Ten stories plus some stuff. (2005 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.42 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tom (View user info) at 2008-01-07 13:20:24 EST
1. When I was six, the local grocery store in my small Illinois town had a bucket of peanuts you could buy by the pound. I decided to steal four for the excitement. I became so incredibly concerned by the fact that I'd stolen peanuts from the grocery store that I buried them in a box in the backyard and didn't tell anyone about it for another decade.
2. I broke my arm because of a girl in middle school that played the xylophone in my class. I was riding a bike in the park when I rode by her, and I was thinking so intently about how much she looks like one of the chimps from "Planet of the Apes" that I didn't notice the dip.
3. I'm still thoroughly disturbed by the fact that a woman who used to work at the movie store with my mother when I was very young was murdered by a teenager. She was a raging alcoholic that claimed to be a policewoman. Very typical country trash.
4. When I was fifteen, I found a bag of cookies in the freezer. I love cookies, so I dug right in. Turns out, the six cookies that I ate were loaded with "chronic". I still can't gauge time elapses.
5. My first job, when I was seventeen, was working at a small store in an equally small town in Colorado. I liked to change the radio from country to gangster rap to annoy the old people. I didn't especially care about the potential ramifications of this. It was 100+ degrees outside and I was completely miserable.
6. I lost more weight working at an ice cream shop than at any other point in my life.
7. Even though I lived in Illinois for 14 years, I still get excited by snow. I attribute this to the fact that I lived in Los Angeles for four years. Now that I'm in Colorado, even the slightest flurries spark a childish feeling of happiness.
8. I have a penny collection. I don't really know why.
9. I don't like homeless people.
10. Every time the US Marines call me in an attempt to enlist me, I argue with them about Bush's ill-planned foreign policy. They're a lot less interested in the customer service mentality than you'd think. I find the recruiters are often very standoffish. The last time one called, I was watching Bob Ross painting some happy little trees on Rocky Mountain PBS and was just too relaxed to argue with a recruiter, so I told him "look, I'm watching Bob Ross on PBS. Leave me alone," and hung up. I felt bad, but reassured myself that he's not interested in my well being and education, but rather quotas. His own quotas. Quotas set by someone else. I'm just another number.
Bob Ross is seriously the most chill dude on the planet.
User Reviews
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-05-23 17:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
post more.
Submitted by iacobus (user info) at 2008-02-08 17:04:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. You and I have the same glasses **gasp**
I know, earth shattering.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-01-23 15:46:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY TOM!
9. I don't like homeless people.
I've taken up that mentality, since the two on Conway Street scream at me everyday. I really don't deal well with screamers.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2008-01-16 18:51:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2008-01-08 09:28:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My small Illinois hometown had those buckets of peanuts, too. :)
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:29:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pssst:
Blabkill is a retard.
pass it on.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/99873
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 21:09:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't see why it's so insane that I don't favor president Bush. I'm with the majority of the country on this one. I just cringe when I see him now.
I also really enjoy your hypothetical situations. I'll go ahead and beat off to the idea of a marine recruiter beating me up. Because, you know, that's the most effective way to get things done, right tubs?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:50:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:37:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:37:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2008-01-07 18:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Ross was one of the greatest men to ever live.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:26:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice ginger facial hair. :)
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:25:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Bob Ross died in 1995. Nice keeping up with the times Mr. Anti-Bush.
===
are you the president's fagboy?
calm down, you freakin lunatic.
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-01-07 17:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 12:55:11 CST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am officially sad. I didn't know Bob Ross was dead. Now how am I going to have a beer with him? My life plans are ruined.
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Bob Ross died in 1995. Nice keeping up with the times Mr. Anti-Bush.
Hopefully one of those U.S. Marines catches you walking down the street in their off-time and remembers you. I seriously think your face would suffice as a punching bag and your puny arms certainly would offer no resistance.
Submitted by Mekare (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:22:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bob Ross is seriously the most chill dude on the planet."
You get a +2 just for that.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2008-01-07 16:02:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
[insert HAR HAR YOU LOOK LIKE ANDY DICK joke here]
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Tom looks like Andy Dick. Like, exactly like him.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:54:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IN THE ARMY NOW!!!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0110123/
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Ross be dead, nigga. True story.
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His soul lives on, it haunts me on Teusday nights in my dreams.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-01-07 15:11:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
#5: I used to play Grateful Dead tapes through the Muzak system in the hardware store I worked at after I got out of the Navy and before I went to college. Occasionally people would notice.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:49:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I fucking loved Bob Ross.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:43:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I sounded like a pretty big dick about the whole recruiter thing. I figure if that's what they want to do, whatever. They can just feel free to leave me alone when Bob Ross is on. Some people relax with pot, I relax with Bob Ross.
Do not fuck with the happy little trees.
As far as the recruiters themselves calling me; it took me a while to figure out where they got my cell phone number but it was from one of the community colleges I applied to shortly out of highschool. There was probably fine print somewhere.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I eat cheese too.
I had a Marine recruiter a couple years ago who was a real cool dude. Everybody else who worked in his office was a genuine prick. They made phone calls on speakerphone to parents while I sat in the office, and I dont know if they were trying to act tough to impress me, but they were saying some incredibly rude shit. When I was all set to go to MEPS, before I signed anything, the two other recruiters I had to talk to from time to time took me behind the office and told me if I didn't lie to the doctors about my medical history I would have "two pissed off Marines on my hands." I never went to MEPS and I told my recruiter I wasn't interested anymore. What makes me laugh now is that one of the two was probably 5'8" 140, and the other was 6'3" 170. At the time, I was 6' 190, put up a perfect score on a mock PFT, and could have buried either one of those idiots.
If I ever go to officer training, the first thing I'm going to do when I'm out is look both of them up. I still have their cards. I hope they're still in the Corps when I outrank them.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:27:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I just get the cheese vibe. That's all.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:11:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:06:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Helmets rule.
And Caul, I don't know why you think we're so different. I, too, eat massive quantities of cheese.
===
what makes u think i eat cheese?
(i do)
i'm not french.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2008-01-07 14:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The marines STILL call my parents' house looking for me...because I filled out an information card back in high school to get some free crap from the recruiter. That was like 15 years ago.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:56:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would imagine you get mistaken for a mop.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:55:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I am officially sad. I didn't know Bob Ross was dead. Now how am I going to have a beer with him? My life plans are ruined.
Submitted by Talibandrew (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bob Ross is seriously the most chill dude on the planet.
Probably because he is dead...
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:35:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:35:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Helmets rule.
And Caul, I don't know why you think we're so different. I, too, eat massive quantities of cheese.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:31:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally, an uberer that's not afraid to show that he/she wears a helmet. Right on, Tom!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:31:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
people with ur hair color disgust me. sorry.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:31:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
My room mate brought over her ex boyfriend and he became the first person to actually make a remark like that to my face. I just smiled and noted that I'm told this a lot, and made a special note to never ever be friends with him.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:26:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bob Ross be dead, nigga. True story.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2008-01-07 13:25:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
[insert HAR HAR YOU LOOK LIKE ANDY DICK joke here]