Chrysler, Ants and Milk (1035 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by orph (View user info) at 2008-06-20 10:09:53 EDT
Everywhere I go, I keep seeing the Chrysler building - I don't even live in New York.
It's on advertisements, rippling through the tube tunnels - Chrysler buildings made out of chocolate, looming over a chocolate skyline. A milky smooth, svelte Galaxy chocolate city. The Empire State's there as well, but we all know that King Kong was lactose intolerant.
Intolerant of lactose. To build up such hatred and disgust at dairy constituent is quite an achievement. I could never keep the hate rolling and boiling enough to tip over into full blown intolerance of lactose. I let it simmer at mild dislike. But the milk knows.
Chrysler - it forms a grey-scaled background to a faux-American café, the familiar scene of the triangle-shaped windows and rounded pinnacle peek out over the multi-coloured logo of a salami and cheese sub.
It's on the television. I hear people describing it on the radio. It's the background to my computer desktop and I can't remember ever setting it to art-deco.
Of course, there does exist the possibility that all these Chryslers are just unconnected. They're just random glimpses and fragments of vision that my mind grabs and discards each day as I wander to work and back.
But that's just crazy talk - it's an obvious Chrysler based conspiracy that's freaking me out.
Experience has taught me that when one finds oneself in the midst of a wide-ranging and obviously evil conspiracy bent on taking over the world, it's prudent to take time to reflect and ask the big questions. The probing questions, the questions usually hushed in whispers over morning coffee, or snatched out of the air by passing strangers. Those asked by lovers from lips to ears without a moment for the words to be whisked away by a stray breath.
Once done, I then like to think about my favourite sounds. It's a close chart this week, but I think coming it at number one is the soft moan of a woman in the throes of sexual pleasure. Number two is the sound a pebble makes when it's dropped from a height into water. The top three is rounded out by the bass line in Foxy Lady.
Digressions can result in you losing your train of thought.
So there I was see, surrounded in my own personal Chrysler building hell. Thank you very much Mr William Van Alen - if that is your real name. Left, right, up and down - there seemed to be no escape. I should never, ever have bought two non-refundable tickets to the Chrysler building museum.
I'd like to say, 'But it was all a dream,' and cue soft lighting and maybe introduce some soothing mood music to allay any fears the watchers may have of an impending descent into madness montage. And I will say that.
Let's move on.
I like watching ants. I never expanded this simple pleasure into the full pseudo-scientific tending of an ant farm, but nonetheless, whenever I'm laying outside on the grass, I check around for ants; more specifically, the ant hole.
This can result in some weird looks if I'm accompanied, as well as awkwardly asked questions regarding the suitability of that nice piece of soft grass in the sunshine as opposed to the patchy, dirt strewn section in the shade I've selected.
Further investigation has revealed that it's not so much the ants, but the imaginations concocted when observing. What goes on down there? Are they really so organised? How do you get to be the queen? Do they vote, or battle it out in a marble columned coliseum, and to the victor goes the spoils?
I like to think that they morph in size once underground, growing to huge ant-men with opposable antennae, and that they snatch small children and rat-like dogs from the streets when no-ones looking, and train them to be the support acts before the main event at the coliseum that decides the next queen.
Digressions can almost force people to think you may be odd.
So there I was, wielding my leather whip around my head, in a slow whistling arc, occasionally cracking it forward to maintain my distance from the attacking hordes.
It turned out that I was right.
But they also have a liking for tricycles, and as I share this particular idiosyncrasy, I was set upon on my way home, the storm-water drains and manholes erupting with an army of huge ant-men with opposable antennae.
This sort of thing can happen from time to time.
Digressions I mean.
User Reviews
Submitted by woolfe (user info) at 2008-06-23 10:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AyeCarumba (user info) at 2008-06-23 09:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ants are such fascinating little beings, they get all the good stuff. A relatively simple life, super human (ant?) strength, a clearly defined community structure.
Though I suppose they're all born with a huge fear of spontaneous ant combustion.
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2008-06-22 16:55:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not sure why, but I liked this.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-06-20 14:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh sorry
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-06-20 14:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
there's ants in my fucking store
I fucking hate ants
jesus
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-06-20 12:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 12:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol below.
I love Neil.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-06-20 12:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 07:54:30 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think we should all be either talking about me, or crop rotation in the 14th century.
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Rik: Right. "Crop rotation in the 14th century was much more widespread..."
Neil: "Considerably."
Rik: What?
Neil: It's "considerably more widespread," not "much more."
Rik: Well?
Neil: Well, you said do it properly.
Rik: Well, not that much, you stupid bloody hippie!
Neil: You said, "Do it properly and don't skip bits." How was I to know that wasn't important?
Rik: Well it wasn't important...all right? Now shall we just get on and stop wasting time like this? Right. "Crop rotation in the 14th century was CONSIDERABLY more widespread...after..." God, I know this...don't tell me..."after 1172.".................Well, was I right?
Neil: No, but I didn't think it was important.
Rik: Well, what was it, then?
Neil: You just said not to tell you.
Rik: I bloody well did not!
Neil: You did! You did! You said, "Don't tell me," just before you said, "1172."
Rik: But I only meant for a minute!
Neil: What, a minute from now, or a minute from then?
Rik: Look, just shut up and tell me the answer!
Neil: Shut up AND tell you the answer?
Rik: JUST TELL ME THE ANSWER!
Neil: John.
Rik: Thank you. ............"John"?
Neil: Yeah, "John" is the answer.
Rik: "Crop rotation in the 14th century was considerably more widespread after John?"
Neil: "...Lloyd invented the patent crop rotator."
Rik: Oh, yes, I knew it, I bloody knew it!
Neil: You didn't, you didn't, you said "1172"! That's not a bit like "John."
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:56:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck Abu Dhabi
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment.
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I FOUND THIS TO BE PLEASANT.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, you're right. You're more of just an arse.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I am not an artist.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never watched Antz, it looked too purple.
Milk doesn't agree with me.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:07:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, the worker ants do get the short end of the stick.
But then, I suppose the movie Antz has taught many of us many things.
And I only like one stir-fry woman.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn I think I did have a bit of Linus in me once, he just called himself Brian, nothing a bit of bleach cant sort out though
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:05:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
That would require blind faith on my part.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Digressions can almost force people to think you may be odd.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:04:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, I get Linus.
He's a tortured artist, a forgotten relic from a lost age of romanticism.
His struggle is the struggle of millions around the world - a searching for an ideal that he thinks has been lost, but perhaps, it never existed.
He burns. He cries. He suffers for his art.
I think there may be a little bit of Linus in all of us.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:03:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not beating, merely pointing out a possible direction to relieve pressure and ensure happiness and such?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orph likes stir fry and oriental women. And he shops at Waitrose.
I liked this by the way. Especially the bit about the ants. I mean, how do they know what they are born? Does little Steve get born, attends school dreaming of being a soldier ant only for pappy to sit him tenderly on his knee and explain his place in the colony is a worker ant role (underpaid, longhours, no pension plan)?
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-20 11:02:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Perhaps I simply lack the ability to appreciate this post, so you're just beating a disabled man.
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
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From one with accomplishments such as his under their belt this is critism indeed.
Seems like Linus needs to put down the blanket and try Blow Jobs, chances are he would be the one giving them too.
Submitted by Linus (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Littlebint (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well you are too good to be round these parts.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think we should all be either talking about me, or crop rotation in the 14th century.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:53:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orphelia is hawt and I would totally do her in the pooper.
I mean, she's a nice girl. :)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:52:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:44:14 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:27:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, imagine being mistaken for Orphelia!
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Could be worse, could have been mistaken for you.
Ugh.
I saw your last post...
-----
I have no problem admitting I post crap - it's all this place deserves. It's purely about MY entertainment.
But at least I manage to maintain a healthy distance from any sort of Uber clique rather than whoring myself out to anyone desperate enough to hint at any attractiveness I (most certainly don't) posess.
-----------------------
Dude, you just described half of Uber.
Why pick on me?
Never said I was attractive, don't really have a 'clique' with anyone, just happen to be on the same time as the same people ie Brits.
Haha @ you though for trying to prove yourself better than me on the internet 'blah blah I keep a healthy distance'. You dumb fuck.
If you commented about me, instead of ignoring me, I rile you in some way, even a bad way. you notice me, good or bad. Bugger off.
(You won't be in a clique no one likes you tee hee they all tild me so :)
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:44:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:27:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, imagine being mistaken for Orphelia!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could be worse, could have been mistaken for you.
Ugh.
I saw your last post...
-----
I have no problem admitting I post crap - it's all this place deserves. It's purely about MY entertainment.
But at least I manage to maintain a healthy distance from any sort of Uber clique rather than whoring myself out to anyone desperate enough to hint at any attractiveness I (most certainly don't) posess.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I wanted to share some philosophical moment with you, mulling over observations in the ever-strange world of ours, but there's a bird loose in the office and I've been charged with his/her safe recovery.
Later...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 15:27:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, imagine being mistaken for Orphelia!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could be worse, could have been mistaken for you.
Ugh.
I saw your last post...
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:27:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, imagine being mistaken for Orphelia!
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You really are about as funny as Norbit.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:27:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha, imagine being mistaken for Orphelia!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should read more of your posts, but I'm lazy.
Fritz Kreisler is one of the most under-appreciated composers of the 20th century.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheers.
sexualchocolate - me and orphelia are two different beings. Although, if we ever occupy the same space and time, I'm not really sure what could happen.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have noticed a distinctive swerve into the realm of the bizarre on uber lately.
I think I like it.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Perfectly random. What a pleasent way to round off uber for the week.
p.s. drink less coffee.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great! I'm totally pissing my pants and shooting my bolt at the same moment.
- How's that for a "nice" review then Orph?
Even though this was shite and i didn't even finish it.
Off you fuck, and take your +2 with ya.
Submitted by GangsterSquid (user info) at 2008-06-20 10:12:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see what you did here.