Spa People Are Full Of Shiatsu (1615 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.92 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2008-08-25 19:50:53 EDT
If you had ever asked me if I planned on getting a full-body massage and body scrub at a spa sometime in my life, I probably would have told you to go fist yourself, because that's not the kind of question you ask a perfect stranger.
Now that we're on the subject of full-body rape, let me tell you about my very first time having a little Asian man fingerfuck every muscle in my body, thus destroying every shred of dignity I've ever had (not that there was much to begin with) and reducing me to nothing more than some quivering sack of smashed assholes that once resembled a man.
The reason I've been gone for so long, as some of you have noticed, is that I was just recently married. Planning a wedding is the leading cause of breakups everywhere, which means that I needed to spend every waking moment planning a party that consisted of one-hundred people getting completely obliterated and telling me how awesome my wife is.
I figured that since she was getting some kind of relaxation treatment at a quaint little spa in Hawaii, I might as well join her. After all, with all the hell I went through just planning everything with her, I figured I deserved it.
After making triple-sure she had actually requested that a woman would be running her hands all over my body (which is just RIPPLING with what could be muscle) I conceded to the idea that maybe getting my body scrubbed down could also be a good thing too.
I don't burn very easily, but believe me when I tell you that the sun in Hawaii is fucking intense. Nearly a week later, I have a burn on the upper-half of my body that resembles a life jacket because all the elements will work against you. The ocean spray from jet skiing will wash off whatever sunblock you're wearing, and the sun will beat down on you the entire time.
So imagine my surprise when the lady that was scrubbing me down decided that it would be a good idea to rub some kind of Macadamia Rape Sand into every tender area of my body. Not only was this the least erotic feeling in the world, but I STILL couldn't help getting a boner inside the paper speedo that they forced me to wear.
I couldn't risk requesting a happy ending because with all that crap all over her hands, it would be on par with wrapping your hand in duct tape and dipping it into a bucket full of broken glass and trying to jam the whole thing down your urethra. If the very thought doesn't make your asshole pucker, then you are not human...... or you don't know what your urethra is.
Simply put, after 50 minutes worth of sheer agony, I showered off and hobbled my bitch ass out of the room in my little bitch bathrobe feeling broken and used.... but mostly I felt like a little bitch. Surely, things can only get better from here on out.
"You scheduled a woman for the massage, right?" I made sure to ask my wife.
"For the last fucking time, yes. Will you please stop asking me that question?"
"I would, but that lady back there had man-hands. This paper here says that my masseuse is named 'Colby'. That doesn't sound like a woman. It actually sounds more like a hockey player."
"Colby is a woman's name, dipshit."
"Colby Armstrong is a woman?"
"Jesus Christ..... do you want me to ask for you?"
"That would be just tremendous." I smiled.
A few minutes after my wife stepped out of view, I was greeted by a very womanly and very hot Asian lady.
"Hi! I'm Colby, your scheduled masseuse. You must be Matt?"
Oh thank God. My wife is fucking awesome. I took her hand lightly and smiled. Before I could speak, however, a man stepped out and she spoke again.
"Unfortunately, my previous appointment has been moved to this time, so Derwin will be taking care of you."
Derwin? I'm going to be rubbed down by some dude named Derwin? My wife stepped out again, took one look at my face, and nearly shit herself holding back the laughter. I smiled, shook Derwin's hand, and mouthed the words, "You're dead, bitch" to my wife.
She giggled and flipped me off.
Laying down on the table, Derwin draped the towel over my entire body and put pressure on my back.
"How's that?" He asked me.
"Harder, please." I responded.
I was going to make this asshole work for his money.
He paused. This was a challenge, and he knew it. I was calling out his manhood, because mine had been called into question. He accepted the challenge.
"Harder? We can do a deep-tissue massage using Shiatsu for your back, and the traditional Polynesian Lomi-Lomi massage for the front. It will be a very intense combination. Is this what you want?"
"Let's do it." I responded.
He started with the left half of my body by taking his elbow and grinding down onto the pressure point just below my scapula.
"How's this?"
"SWEET SCREAMING SHEEPSHIT, TAKE YOUR ELBOW OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!" My mind screamed as pain radiated out as far as my shoulder.
"Good." My mouth said simply as he tweaked the nerve deep inside me causing me to nearly lose control of my bowels and shit all over his table.
That was only the beginning. Each point that he touched in my body would be gone over three times before he would move on, leaving me begging for death as I lay there like the worthless sack of shit that I was. He stuck his thumbs inside my shoulder and I could feel it twitch for a second. My first sign of weakness.
"This is what you wanted, yeah?" He mocked.
"Oh yeah."
"Want me to go easier?"
"No, this is perfect." I strained.
A well-placed elbow just above my asscheek nearly made me puke my lungs out. He moved down to my hamstring.
"Hey, this part isn't so - JESUS JUMPING CHRIST ON A POGO STICK PLEASE PUT A BULLET THROUGH ME RIGHT NOW!!!!" My mind squealed once again as white-hot pain shot down from my hamstring through my calf.
After he was done, he gave my quivering left asscheek a slap and moved on to the right side to do the same thing.......
--------------------------------------------------------------
All in all, the massage lasted two hours. Derwin remarked afterwards that he was surprised how much pressure I was able to take, but he knew that he had won..... the man had barely broken a sweat.
What bothered me and my wife the most, however, wasn't the fact that I had gone through the ordeal of having some dude with a penchant for slapping my ass rub me down for two hours. No, there was an unspoken truth that will never be mentioned again for the remainder of our marriage:
An Asian man raped my body..... and I liked it.
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-08-29 00:52:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha nicely done
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-08-28 11:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The visuals I saw while reading this story made me cringe inside, and to think I almost went for a massage last week. Maybe I should reconsider.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-08-28 10:59:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ouch!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-08-28 10:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-27 22:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
S'ok, dear Matt. Twas a long time ago. I only remember because I wrote it.
Submitted by JoeAverage (user info) at 2008-08-27 20:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you had ever asked me if I planned on getting a full-body massage and body scrub at a spa sometime in my life, I probably would have told you to go fist yourself
That's all it took me to give you a +2. You had me from fist yourself.
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 12:44:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-27 08:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/118146
Ha ha, marriageano.
As an aside, this was fucking brilliant. Thank god Uber still has some gems.
-P
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2008-08-27 01:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking LOL.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2008-08-26 19:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And don't think that you are the only one with a smashed asshole line.
Remember this?
"I may be shallow, but at least I don't look like a bucket full of smashed assholes,"
SEMI-PLAGIARIZER!
---------------------------------
Holy shit, I was racking my brain for over a full minute and a half trying to figure out if I had heard that somewhere on here, or if my little brother called me that when he was drunk.
I should have never doubted you, Donkey......
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-26 18:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And don't think that you are the only one with a smashed asshole line.
Remember this?
"I may be shallow, but at least I don't look like a bucket full of smashed assholes,"
SEMI-PLAGIARIZER!
Submitted by Shagabah_Jones (user info) at 2008-08-26 16:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2008-08-26 15:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-26 07:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will now impart a great secret. Believe this: If you and your wife (life partner/slave/whatever) go together to your local community college and take the classes toward becoming licensed as massage therapists, it will pay you back one thousand-fold. You needn't practice on anyone but each other (unless you want to, of course). You will become proficient in the art of therapeutic touch through the class and sensual touch through your home lab work. You do not have to take the test to be licensed unless you care to, but the knowledge and experience you gain will serve you well throught your time together.
This great secret has been provided as a public service, to reduce the number of posts I have to read about you getting an STD from a hooker while drunk and crying because your S.O. doesn't satisfy you anymore.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
hahahaha
Good post too. I laughed, cried, wet myself, and cried again.
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-08-26 15:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very interesting.
Submitted by Harmon (user info) at 2008-08-26 14:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-08-26 13:51:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read. Funny, too.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2008-08-26 13:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-08-26 13:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2008-08-26 12:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-26 12:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"SWEET SCREAMING SHEEPSHIT, TAKE YOUR ELBOW OUT OF MY BODY!!!!!"
Right about there the co-workers were giving me funny looks.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-08-26 12:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The Happiest Day Of My Life (Rating: 1.55 on 70 reviews, last by Caulaincourt 7 days ago)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2008-08-14 14:46:54 EDT
Beating A Dead Horse (Rating: 0.18 on 28 reviews, last by Crystle 25 days ago)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2008-07-29 23:18:55 EDT
Interesting
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2008-08-26 11:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2008-08-26 10:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!!
I hope the marriage lasts and stays as fresh as this post.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thirded(ed)
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:52:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
seconded
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W btw
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Har har Asian rape.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he didn't rape your face. Facial rape is the number 1 cause of tooth decay. It's science.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I remeber, I logged on to +2 this. I literally laughed my piggy slippers off.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2008-08-26 09:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, that is a really nice tattoo, man. How's the pressure?
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-08-26 08:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-26 07:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will now impart a great secret. Believe this: If you and your wife (life partner/slave/whatever) go together to your local community college and take the classes toward becoming licensed as massage therapists, it will pay you back one thousand-fold. You needn't practice on anyone but each other (unless you want to, of course). You will become proficient in the art of therapeutic touch through the class and sensual touch through your home lab work. You do not have to take the test to be licensed unless you care to, but the knowledge and experience you gain will serve you well throught your time together.
This great secret has been provided as a public service, to reduce the number of posts I have to read about you getting an STD from a hooker while drunk and crying because your S.O. doesn't satisfy you anymore.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2008-08-26 07:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Full body massage's are great, great things.
Unless done by asians.
I had convinced my best mate to take a full body with me when we were in Thailand.
When they asked us to remove our underwear, I got abit worried.
I told her not to worry, we were on tables next to each other.
No part of our body was sacred. Everthing was rubbed down with the 'cleansing mud'
My best friend and I could barely look at each other during it.
But it all worked out, our skin had never been more softer and glowing.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-08-26 07:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha Ha, you got married.
SEE what happens when you do?
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-08-26 02:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
8D
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I love you, lungfish.
And I had to read this again as it was just classic Uber. If that makes sense.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never had a professional message. It sounds like something a metrosexual would do, and I don't even know what a metrosexual is, except that I think Caul might be one. I did, however, go with a licensed masseuse for a while, but she only ever massaged my hands and my cock, which was pretty cool.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:37:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the only man that's going to lay hands on my nether-regions will be an undertaker
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2008-08-25 23:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There were some great lines in this...
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2008-08-25 22:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" quivering sack of smashed assholes "
+2 for that alone.. but..
I've never paid for a massage, but if I were to pay for one, I'd like it not to involve much pain..
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad.
Submitted by Grimm (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good title.
I'm sure you won't mind that I did not read a word of this.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If the very thought doesn't make your asshole pucker, then you are not human...... or you don't know what your urethra is."
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid. Welcome into the fold.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-08-25 20:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maioranooooooooooooooooooooooo!