SPT: Phone Call Home From the PI (503 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.85 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2008-08-27 23:31:18 EDT
One sided phone conversation overheard at Subic Bay Naval Base
Dad! It's me, Johnny. How ya doin'?
Good. I'm great. I'm back in the PI again.
Yeah, we just got back from Korea. Uncle Jack showed me a neat trick during the trip. Did you know torpedoes run on alcohol? The kind you can drink?
They sure do, and Uncle Jack taught me how to borrow it from them. They call it torpedo juice. Boy is it ever strong! He said as long as you don't take too much it won't hurt the torpedo none. But I don't know. He might of misjudged because when we went to fire them during practice they all missed.
Yep. Every one of 'em! The Captain was so pissed he canceled shore leave. But later on he changed his mind.
Yeah, so then Uncle Jack said I could go with him on shore leave. Him and his NCO buddies. He said they usually don't let seaman recruits like me tag along, but since I'm his nephew and all it was okay. Pretty nice of him, huh?
Plus he said I owed him a dinner. For losing his money at that bar we were at last time. I told you about that in my letter, remember? (http://www.ubersite.com/m/116548)
Yeah, I finally owned up to that. But anyway, me and Uncle Jack and five or six of his friends went to a real nice restaurant. This place was first class. They had white tablecloths and everything. Not like that bar, last time.
I know. So we go inside and sit down at a great big round table, and in the middle of the table there's decorations and flowers and that, and at first I didn't notice it but there was a monkey's head on a wooden plate, too.
Yes, a real monkey's head. It was the creepiest thing. He was facing toward me and his eyes were open and everything, like he was staring right at me. There was a hole cut through the top of his skull so you could reach in with chopsticks...
Yes Dad, I can use chopsticks now. Uncle Jack taught me.
Yes. So you could reach in and pick out the brains.
Well, they were just about like you'd imagine from watching TV.
Well. You know. Soft and slippery. Hard to hang on to.
Yeah, I know. But everybody else was eating them. I didn't want those guys to think I was a pussy. Besides, Uncle Jack said there were two things I absolutely, positively had to do while we were there. And eating some of those brains was one of them.
Not too bad, really. They look a lot worse than they taste. But you dip them in sauce, you know, so it's hard to say what they really taste like. That sauce is pretty spicy.
It's not the kind of thing you eat every day, Dad. It's more like, you know, a delicacy.
I'm getting to that. Uncle Jack wouldn't tell me at first, but I figured it out after I noticed this girl going under the table.
Yeah, it was a big round table with lots of room underneath. And this girl just got down on her hands and knees and crawled under it. Next thing you know, Uncle Jack has this funny little smile on his face and he's kind of like, squrming around a little. Those guys were all snickering like it was some big secret, but I knew what was going on.
Well, Dad. You know. That girl was down there. She was, you know, doing something to Uncle Jack while he was eating.
Yes! Exactly.
I know, Dad. But it's different over here. They have a whole different attitude about that kind of thing.
That's the part I'm getting to.
Yes, but there's more to it than that. Those guys said you're supposed to try and pretend like nothing's happening when it's your turn. If you give it away before, you know, you're finished, well then you have to buy everyone a drink.
No, I couldn't keep a straight face and I couldn't sit still. Those guys all started laughing at me right away. So I figured I might as well not even try to pretend and just enjoy it.
Yes, Dad. At the table. In the restaurant.
Well, I wasn't actually eating, but yeah, I had a plate of food in front of me. More than just monkey brains, you know. A regular meal.
I don't know. Some kind of food. But that's not the point. I started thinking I'd really like to see what this girl looked like, but the tablecloth was hanging down in the way. And Uncle Jack, he could tell how curious I was and he says, Go ahead, Seaman. Take a look-see. So I lift up the tablecloth and... Jesus, Dad. I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you this.
No, worse than that. It wasn't even a girl at all. It was a little boy!
Are you there, Dad? Hello?
No Dad, I'm not gay or anything. I didn't know it was a boy. I didn't even see him crawl under there or anything.
No, you can't tell by the feel of it. Believe me, it shocked the hell out of me. I'm all, Oh, Jesus what the fuck is that. And that kid disappeared. And Uncle Jack and those guys all busted up. Ever since then everyone's like, Hey Trujillo, how was your blowjob? I'm the laughingstock of the whole ship now.
Well, I thought maybe I'd imagined it or something. I leaned down and looked under the table, but it was too dark to see. So I grabbed my penlight and shined it under there. And I'll tell you what: what I saw made me forget all about that kid.
No, I was wrong earlier about the monkey's head. It wasn't on a plate after all. There was a hole in the table and the rest of the monkey was down there strapped to a post and he was still alive! He was like, twitching and jerking around. Like he was pissed off at me.
Yes. Even though we'd eaten most of his brains.
I know, but that's what it seemed like. Like he was trying to break loose and come after me. I kind of freaked out. I hit my head so hard on the bottom of the table I just about knocked myself silly. And then I accidentally grabbed onto the tablecloth and pulled down a bunch of dishes and stuff.
Yeah, it was a real mess. The manager or whoever came running over and told us we had to leave. And then after we're outside Uncle Jack tells me to put my dick back in my pants because I'm making the Navy look like a bunch of pencil dicks or something.
Yeah, it's a good thing he's looking out for me, isn't it?
All right. I'll call you again soon. Tell Mom I love her. And Sissy, too!
Bye.
User Reviews
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-08-28 18:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-28 18:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jack's a broad???
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-28 17:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-28 14:07:59 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to have one of Jack's cats as an appetizer.
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Did you just say you wanted to eat Jack's pussy?
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-28 17:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-28 14:15:41 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm ex-US Navy. I've got a few stories. Philippines, Hong Kong, Singapore, The Seychelles, Kenya, Karachi, Japan, Australia, Diego Garcia, Ensenada/Tijuana, others. Youthful excesses, all.
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Spit'em out, Man! If you haven't already done so.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-28 17:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-08-28 16:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
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OK now I'm going to vomit.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-28 17:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm ex-US Navy. I've got a few stories. Philippines, Hong Kong, Singapore, The Seychelles, Kenya, Karachi, Japan, Australia, Diego Garcia, Ensenada/Tijuana, others. Youthful excesses, all.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-08-28 17:07:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd like to have one of Jack's cats as an appetizer.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-08-28 16:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-28 16:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the excellent description, Skrap! You're a better man than I. I'm pretty sure I'd need a hefty dose of that grain alcohol myself before I could partake of something like that.
Were you in the Navy? All these stories I've heard from the PI come from my Navy or Marine friends. I've embellished, of course, but they were all represented to me as being true: the whore who'd bet you couldn't shit in her face and the gunny who tried and failed at first but came back with a belly full of laxative; Smiles (I'd forgotten that's what they called it!) and the sick prank with the little boy; and, of course, the live monkey brains. Navy vets always seem to have the most sordid tales.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-28 15:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
For the record: here's how it went when I ate monkeybrain. Just before being brought to the table the monkey was given a massive dose of grain alcohol, which stupified it. It was semi-concious but moving and clearly alive when it was placed into the wooden collar with it's head above the table. By the time the waiter got out the metal dome and placed it on the monkey's head, it was unconcious but still breathing very slowly. A quick, practiced turn of the dome removed both the scalp and top of the skull, exposing the brain. This provoked no reaction from the monkey whatsoever, though it was still breathing even more slowly. When the waiter took the first spoonful and ate it (to show that it was safe and to ease the tension at the table), he took it from the rear base of the brain. That stopped the monkey's breathing and heartbeat. We reached with our spoons.
From the monkey's perspective it went as it does with any food animal; everything's normal, then they take it someplace else, then it gets killed and eaten. No more 'torture' than were it a pig or cow in a slaughterhouse or a lobster in a seafood restaurant, and no more wasteful than goose liver pate. Of course, the monkey may have gotten to enjoy a drunk feeling for a few minutes, so monkeybonus!
Admittedly that GIF is monkey torture, and that's wrong like chasing a pig around the pen before you butcher it. Makes the meat all tough.
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-08-28 15:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good job X54 you pissed of Jack_McCallum. He must be sitting at home jerking off and crying simultaneously. puss.
Jack_McCallum is say this to you. Fermez la bouche francoise. Stop crying, wash your hands, and realize that this opens peoples eyes who otherwise would not have known. People need to realize these cultural differences, in that every culture is unique.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-28 14:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-28 13:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-28 09:39:16 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, dude. I like your posts but I can't condone that shit, even in jest. Our own slaughterhouses are bad enough, but torturing an animal for food, it's just wrong.
You can eat all the meat you want if you kill it quick and clean. There's no reason to cause suffering.
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Believe it or not, they actually do that shit. Skrapmetal will attest to that. Believe me, I couldn't dream something like that up.
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I KNOW they do, that's why it shouldn't be in a haha uber post. It's beyond sick. Even for Uber.
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-08-28 14:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its a useful phrase If your a bad ass american.
Nothing against the boxers, You just look like a complete fag.
Thats cool though. I was bored and it was funny at the moment.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-28 13:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-08-28 09:22:04 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fermez la bouche Francoise.
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Ha ha ha ha ha. I just translated that with google.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-28 13:36:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-28 09:39:16 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, dude. I like your posts but I can't condone that shit, even in jest. Our own slaughterhouses are bad enough, but torturing an animal for food, it's just wrong.
You can eat all the meat you want if you kill it quick and clean. There's no reason to cause suffering.
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Believe it or not, they actually do that shit. Skrapmetal will attest to that. Believe me, I couldn't dream something like that up.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-28 13:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-08-28 09:22:04 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was a good post, until I read Trujillo. You had to go there. If I was'nt so hung over, I would ellaborate more on how I want to kick the shit out of you.
Fermez la bouche Francoise.
Oh I almost forgot to leave a prick comment. Hmmm...I guess all I have is your shorts are still gay.
Funny shit though. Is that from Faces of Death?
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Yeah, the kid I used on the first post (the letter) disappeared off the face of uber so I had to find someone new.
I don't know where that gif came from originally. It popped up after I googled "eat monkey brains." It looks fake to me, though. I think those "clubs" are foam. I knew it was a mistake to put it on here.
And what do you have against boxer shorts, anyway? Or is it just that _I_ look gay in them.
#
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-28 10:15:16 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Cause my boss just walked in and gave me a promotion even though I spend most my day dicking off on Ubersite. He said I am management material...
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"Even though?" I think that's precisely WHY you got promoted. What do you think managers do with all their time? Congratulations!
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-28 13:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Cause my boss just walked in and gave me a promotion even though I spend most my day dicking off on Ubersite. He said I am management material...
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-08-28 12:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry, dude. I like your posts but I can't condone that shit, even in jest. Our own slaughterhouses are bad enough, but torturing an animal for food, it's just wrong.
You can eat all the meat you want if you kill it quick and clean. There's no reason to cause suffering.
Submitted by jtrujillo34 (user info) at 2008-08-28 12:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was a good post, until I read Trujillo. You had to go there. If I was'nt so hung over, I would ellaborate more on how I want to kick the shit out of you.
Fermez la bouche Francoise.
Oh I almost forgot to leave a prick comment. Hmmm...I guess all I have is your shorts are still gay.
Funny shit though. Is that from Faces of Death?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-08-28 10:32:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wow... that GIF... poor monkey.
fuck.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2008-08-28 07:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant. I love the perspective of it all from the young lad. Too funny and too grim not to get a high score.
Submitted by myshit (user info) at 2008-08-28 07:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-08-28 04:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2008-08-28 03:21:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
looks like more fun than shooting them outa trees in Africa for 50 bucks a pop
goes the weasel
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2008-08-28 02:58:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2008-08-28 02:30:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The gif. The gif is all I see.
The dialogue was pretty good, actually. But the gif. THE GIF.
Submitted by BobSandwich (user info) at 2008-08-28 00:13:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking spot on mate.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-27 23:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You are a lucky man, Skrap.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2008-08-27 23:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Been to th' Philippines. Had the monkeybrain, with spoons, though. Played "smiles", but it was an actual woman under the table and the bet was a pitcher of Mojo (which is inflammable liquid evil). Lived to tell the tale.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-08-27 23:32:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I laughed. I cried. I shit myself. SPT!
I'm going to keep writing these dialog only posts until I get one right. So unless you want to keep reading this crap, tell me how you think I fucked this up. Besides the gif.