Ten Tiny True Stories about Poop (1265 hits)
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Submitted by Lungfish (View user info) at 2008-09-27 13:45:53 EDT
1) I went camping with a friend. His name is Erik. He's a fan of punk rock and rockabilly music, which is information extraneous to this story. During one afternoon on this particular camping trip, we caught a bunch of crawdads to eat for breakfast the following morning. That evening, we played pool with some Mexicans at this shady bar stuck out in the middle of the forest. We were the only English-speakers there, except for the bartender. We won at pool and the Mexicans had to buy us drinks. I heard one of them call us "pinche gueros." We paid for a lot of our own drinks too. A lot. We made it back to our camp-spot somehow. Okay...my friend drove really drunk through the woods. That's not a bad thing is it? It's just dirt roads through the woods. One might hit a porcupine, I suppose. I almost hit a cow driving drunk through the woods. Fucking cows. Shouldn't be in the woods anyway. Except I love steak...and homemade jerky...so I really shouldn't complain about the ranchers' use of public lands. Store-bought jerky sucks, by the way. Most of it, anyway. Too sweet. I don't want my jerky tasting like candy. So I make my own. Not the cowboy way, which is simply to hang the brined meat up outside and let it dry in the sun. I use an oven set on a very low temperature. I'm very refined. I usually make soy sauce-flavored jerky. I like La Choy brand for jerky, but Kikoman is better for most recipes that call for soy sauce.
Oh yeah...poop. So we made it back to camp, where we got drop-dead drunk. It started raining, so I passed out underneath a Chevy Blazer. Erik had set up a tent, because he is a pussy. It rained hard most of the night and we woke up wet, cold, and hungover. We built a shitty little smoky fire to boil some water for the crawdads, which, I found, are not very appetizing when one is really hungover, but I ate them anyway. Then, dehydrated, I chugged a quart of apple juice. This turned out to be a mistake. About twenty minutes later, standing above the shitty little smoky fire, I farted. At least I thought I was farting. A remarkably long, even, liberating fart, I thought, until I felt a palpable warmth extending down my legs. Hungover as I way...nay, still drunk as I was, my immediate thought was something like, "Ah...that feels nice," as I had been shivering from the cold. Then, however: "Oh fuck! I'm shitting myself!"
It was mainly apple juice, so not as disgusting as it could have been, but that didn't stop Erik from pointing his finger at me and laughing out loud and proclaiming, "I can't believe you shit your pants." He did that all day long. My underwear from that day is still to be found, I imagine, a few miles from Tonto Village in central Arizona.
2) One of my best friends is a woman. I'll call her Toni, because that is her name. There are no filters between us. We share all thoughts and emotions. We've told each other of our respective fears, needs, lusts, and insecurities, however pathetic, lascivious, or depraved. I've always been very attracted to her...romantically, I mean, but I am as yet manacled to someone else. Alas...
This past week, Toni told me she pooped a turd that was about "two and a half feet long." I'm not sure why, but I found myself just slightly less attracted to her after she told me that.
3) I step in dog poop in my yard at least once a week. It is often fresh, and I am often barefooted.
4) I got really drunk at a seedy little bar called "The Buffet" in Tucson. Earlier in the evening, I had eaten half of a large pepperoni pizza with extra jalapeños. There were so many jalapeños on this pizza that you scarcely could see any cheese underneath. At the bar later, my friend Aaron - another punk rocker - got in a fight with a cadre of fraternity brothers. We got kicked out of the bar. I mention this, because the fight is almost the only thing I remember from that night. That...and I tried to sleep with the crazy woman who lived next door. I didn't get any, for which I was later thankful.
The next day was hot...at least 105 degrees, and I had to work outside at a job site. I had to visit the Port-a-John at least ten times that day, on account of all the beer and whiskey. It was at least 130 degrees in the Port-a-John. I'm not sure if my many tears produced on that day were resultant of the foul stench inside the steaming booth, or from the excruciatingly painful fire-shits I suffered that day. Probably a combination of the two. "No es la entrada, es las salida," as the Mexicans say. Bad day. I haven't ordered jalapeños on my pizza since.
5) I got food poisoning in Chinatown in Los Angeles. Fuckin' dim sum. Probably the pot stickers. I had gone to LA for the soul purpose of having sex with an old girlfriend. I was living outside in Northern Arizona part of time I was in grad school. I did this to save money, as Flagstaff is a fairly expensive place to live. The problem with this lifestyle, however, as I soon discovered, was that normal women generally don't have sex with homeless guys. So...anyway...I drove to LA...and it was good.
While driving back to Arizona, I began to get very sick. So sick that by the time I stopped driving, in Needles, California, I had lost all sense of balance. I stumbled up to a cheap motel lobby, got a room, and proceeded to shit repeated through the night.
I count things. I like numbers. I shit 18 times that night. Somehow, I made it to Flagstaff the next day, and continued to shit for another day-and-a-half. I shit 33 times in approximately 48 hours. I'm fairly certain that I was only closer to death on one other occasion - a disgusting affair involving a drinking contest while camping in Kentucky. Don't do that.
6) One of my brothers is a professor at a university in Australia. He's always been a workaholic, which is a stupid word, but whatever. He told me that a few years ago he found that he couldn't spare much time to take shits, so he trained his body so that he would have to take a dump just once a week. He abandoned this after learning that concentrating and holding on to all the toxins inherent in poop was a good way to get colon cancer. Weird dude, really.
7) I have to poop right now, but am holding off until I finish this retarded post.
8) My poop smells like chamomile.
9) Fuck it. I have to poop.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2008-10-26 04:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-10-26 02:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fucking phillies won
===
DAMN STRAIGHT
LISHY
IS GOING
TO GAME 5 WOOOOOOOOOO!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-10-12 11:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I picture eric having a big moustache......you know one of those crazy ones. I bet he doesn't. You created a little world for me then, involving eric poiniting and lots of tiny hilbillys behind him doing the macarana.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2008-10-12 11:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Review refferal -2
Submitted by nargles (user info) at 2008-10-09 18:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2008-09-29 16:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i hope your rectum is holding up ok
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2008-09-29 14:15:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2008-09-29 11:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-09-29 07:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have you ever imagined eating your own poo? seeing those nuts, mmm bet they are crunchy
mmm poo
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2008-09-29 02:27:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything is poo, we just don't want to know.
I'm gonna create one tiny story myself now.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-09-28 23:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2008-09-28 22:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude..I'm very high right now.. and I read each story and totally forgot this post was stories about poop. Crazy huh? Awesome!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-28 17:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-09-28 11:18:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-27 19:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry about those D'Backs. in may i figured those guys were going to win 100+ games. wtf happened?
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Eh...In April they only played shitty teams, making them look better than they were. Right now, anybody but the Cubs and Dodgers is my mantra...or something.
===
mine is anybody but the Cubs.
not a huge Dodgers fan by any means, but i've always liked Torre, wasn't a huge Yankees fan, and would love to see him go the distance just as a spite to that organization.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 14:59:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't shit where you eat.
Submitted by PayMeLater (user info) at 2008-09-28 12:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 11:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No problem friend!
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 11:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's good shit!
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 11:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You reminded me of a few things:
I once pooped a whole fordhook lima bean!
Indian people poop in the sand. Not american indians those other ones in India!
poop is a palindrome!
If you spelled it upside down it would spell boob!
It is, most times, brown and stinky!
steve buscemi once played the mad hatter on SNL and his character claimed-"I make toy cars out of my poop."
people like to interupt me while I'm at work typing shit up on ubersite minding my own buisness causing me to forget what I was getting ready to type next. This is shitty! Or poopy!
Obama is the same color as most of my poops. I enjoy Obamaing and will most likely be voting for him in the upcoming election because he can move his arms and is more intelligent than Mr. McCain!
I don't think McCain is a horrible canidate just needs not to be so old and codgery! Doesn't beleive that we should talk, man to man, with the bad guys of the world with out conditions being met first. That's as dumb me! I wouldn't vote for me as president why should you? Plus McCain might as well have been calling Obama "boy" while he was up there trying to make it seem like he was the epitome of experience. Well, if your experience is bad then I don't think you should go around bragging like you have been around helping america. Some people say exp is exp. But that is like saying a shit is a shit. Some things need not be repeated especially when it comes to mine and your tax dollars!
You know the rich may outpay us but they can't whip us all. Just a bunch of us for a long time till we beleive we actually need them! WE DON'T!
I'll never own or probably even drive a lambo or leer but why would I want to? It makes me sick to think of George Bush laughing at us all getting poorer while he gets oh so richer! We fled a country a long time ago to escape such a thing from happening again yet here we are! Taxation without representation! FUCK YOU TAKE IT! Tapping of your home and cell phones illegal? Well not anymore! FUCK YOU TAKE IT! Don't want to fucking bail out a corporation by buying assest sold at a profit that will make you no capitol gain instead of perhaps buying stocks that could gain interest in the future that could go back into the tax payers pockets? FUCK YOU TAKE IT!
Yeah, all we have to do, according to McCain, is tear up some land that is beautiful and drill the fuckin piss out of it till we sap every bit of the oil on mother earth we can get just so we can, in like 2029, see the price of oil go down a few pennies!
I'm all frothed up now! EHH uh EHH uh!
"Ahhh SHIT I got a head rush" is from a song that I can't remeber either the name of nor the artisits!
My shit alway stinks!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-09-28 11:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Poots. I'll order a pound. Both sides of my family are from Kentucky. Eastern Kentucky. The real hillbilly part. In a cruel twist of fate, however, I was born in Illinois.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 10:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never get in a contest with a kentuckian when alcohol tolerance is on the line!
We will fuck you up and you may die as a result!
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 10:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
there we go...get it together ubersite fuck!
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 10:45:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.minguabeefjerky.com/page2.html
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2008-09-28 10:06:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These people, http://www.minguabeefjerky.com/page2.html, know how to make some good fuckin jerky. Just look at those poor hapless I've done nothing but make jerky my whole fucking life fucks. You can tell!
I like the spicy but my brother prefers the original neither of which are sweet. I would of course prefer homemade, venison if I can get it.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-09-28 01:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-09-27 23:31:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you are, an educated man, and you are talking about poop. Once I ate some delicious snow crab and drank a copious amount of tequila. NEVER do that. I still weep at the memory.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2008-09-27 22:09:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
sounds like you had several cases of the AIDS (Alcohol Induced Drippy Shits)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2008-09-27 19:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ditch the garden variety soy and go for tamari. you'll be glad you did.
sorry about those D'Backs. in may i figured those guys were going to win 100+ games. wtf happened?
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-09-27 18:45:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-09-27 18:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your paragraphs are two long for me to read.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-09-27 17:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
la choy is fucking terrible soy sauce
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-09-27 17:03:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
poop.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-09-27 16:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:58:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shadow, you should send me some song lyrics. I write music, but have no talent for lyrics.
_________
You know what's funny? Lyrics are the only thing I'm good for. I hear the music in my head, whole scores sometimes, but I lack any music theory or training. Translating "the guitar sounds like bwah bwannnahhh dun dunn doo" into real music is the part I can't really do at the moment :P
Here's a bit from one I've been working on. It has a nice big band feel, really upbeat with heavy brass:
"I think I'll have a lobotomy
to avoid your psychotherapy
it's become a liability
to share my thoughts with you
I explain myself with every sentence
it makes me think your love in penance
but what the hell did I do to you?
It's your mother you should be talking to!" (copyright 2008... nurrr)
Haha, I slay me.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-09-27 16:14:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homemade Deer Jerky is the best.
Submitted by darkwulffe (user info) at 2008-09-27 16:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:40:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found you conciderably less attractive after this post.
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But my poop smells like chamomile.
______
sidebar: My poop almost invariably smells like coffee.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are few things more enjoyable than taking a nice poop
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found you conciderably less attractive after this post.
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But my poop smells like chamomile.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I found you conciderably less attractive after this post.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-09-27 14:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that no matter how old we get, poop is still a valid topic of humour and amusement?
I guess that's why the monkeys toss it around.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2008-09-27 13:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yessir