A Cat Had More Action on My Date than I Did (2709 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.65 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JMG114 (View user info) at 2008-11-14 23:46:25 EST
So after a decent first date, I asked this young lady out for a second date. After all, that's what happens after first dates that go well. Either that or being accidentally friended by her twin sister on Facebook and being asked if I would take a dump on her chest. Sure. Why not? After all, we all have to protest Proposition 8 somehow, right?
So I try to organize a second date. The girl barely writes back to me at all this week, but we finally organized it for tonight.
She has dark hair, squinty eyes, and happens to be cute. She works in a wine shop. She writes short stories. I must have asked her close to a dozen questions over dinner about her life and what she does. All of which are tailored to sound as if I was genuinely interested, which, incidentally, I was. She asks me precisely one question about myself, about how long I've worked in media, and then, with no follow-up questions from her side, we're back to talking about wine.
We come back to my place, and we sit down on the couch. Hells yeah, bitch. Hells yeah. All of a sudden, my roommate's cat jumps onto the sofa.
Like white on motherfucking rice... like flies on shit... like Method on gay porn... the girl's suddenly all over this cat.
"How long has your roommate had this cat?"
"What's the cat's name?"
"What kind of cat is it?"
"How old is the cat?"
"Why is that cat so cute?"
"Does this cat like playing with toys?"
"What kind of toys does cat like to play with?"
"Does cat have a lot of toys?"
"Does cat scratch things?"
"What kinds of things does motherfucking cat scratch?"
"Has cat always scratched things?"
"Does the cat like to be pet?"
"May I pet the motherfucking cat?"
"Isn't it unusual to have a cat that has this coloration?"
"Does cat play fetch?"
"Why do some cats play fetch and others don't?"
"Why didn't my cats ever play motherfucking fetch?"
By the time I'm done having a wonderful, hour-long conversation about my roommate's motherfucking cat, my roommate comes home.
"You're the owner of cat?"
"How long have you owned cat?"
"Have you always owned cat?"
"Do you like owning cats?"
"How many cats have you ever owned?"
"Do you prefer dogs, or do you prefer cats?"
"Do you think I prefer dogs or cats?"
"Do you think I should own a cat?"
"What kind of cat do you think I should own?"
"Do you think my cat will be as cute as your cat?"
"Why is your cat so cute?"
"Why aren't all cats as cute as your cat?"
"Why is your cat's ears so big?"
"Are all ears big on all cats? Or just your cat?"
Then, she looks at her watch. "Fuck! I have to go home and feed my dog! I had a nice time with you, Jared. Bye!"
I made a homemade dessert for this girl, and that motherfucking cat got more action and attention from her tonight than she gave me in two dates.
I asked her out for a third date. We're going to see Quantum of Solace, and I swear to God that I'm going DRESSED LIKE A CAT.
Pics forthcoming.
Meow, motherfuckers.
User Reviews
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-09-15 23:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jared, diggin' the bad dates site.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-09-14 16:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-14 16:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's your own fault for dating a shiksa
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-11-22 11:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, in considering the wide variety of disastrous dates you've had, this really wasn't that bad.
lublub.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2008-11-20 09:58:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
if you duct tape a cat around its waist
can you then fuck it without it exploding?
the story was the cat's ass
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2008-11-20 03:24:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:52:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2008-11-18 16:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Bastard Cats
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2008-11-18 05:37:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha below. You missed the hint you stupid fucking Jew!
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2008-11-17 19:15:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
she obviously was hinting toward pussy talk. but you missed that boat you silly Jew. get used to whacking it Mortichai!
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2008-11-17 19:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-11-17 13:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S. Shlongy and I are bringing you on our next golf trip.
--------------------------------
Count me in. A high score is good in golf, right? RIGHT???
I'll wear a cat suit for you any 'ol day.
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2008-11-17 13:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Squinty eyes: -1
Works in a wine shop: -1
Writes short stories: -1
Batshit for cats: -1
The thought of your Jewish ass in a catsuit: +6
P.S. Shlongy and I are bringing you on our next golf trip.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-11-17 09:17:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2008-11-17 07:05:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop dating uberusers.
Fucking LOLcats.
Submitted by bromide (user info) at 2008-11-17 06:59:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Ummm... it sounds like she's not interested in you and is just being polite.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2008-11-17 03:26:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2008-11-17 02:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You might want to lay off dating people you meet online for a while
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2008-11-16 23:40:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i didn't read the post, but title begs the question, did you go on a date with Jack McCallum?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2008-11-16 12:47:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahhaha
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2008-11-15 22:50:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Secretly she wants to be a crazy cat lady....by the way, they have the best drugs
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2008-11-15 19:57:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2008-11-15 19:31:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I was a fortune teller, I'd say that you will be experiencing feelings of regret several days down the road.. possibly following a certain third date...
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2008-11-15 18:44:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did not read.
Cats are cockblocks.
Puppies get you pussy.
Submitted by Antisirch (user info) at 2008-11-15 15:40:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 even though I have no idea why you're taking this girl out for a 3rd time.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2008-11-15 14:25:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2008-11-15 13:33:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2008-11-15 13:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I never had dates like this. Thank God.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2008-11-15 12:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yay
Submitted by DoYouBadly (user info) at 2008-11-15 11:17:07 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2008-11-15 10:34:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you won't do it.
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2008-11-15 06:46:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Yaweh! I figured some cross eyed pube sniffer from Cairo ate your head and heart a full time ago.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2008-11-15 05:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2008-11-15 03:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'd a gone for the steamer
^^^^^
on the cat
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2008-11-15 04:50:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we all have to protest Proposition 8 somehow, right?
----
You don't live and love in california.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-11-15 04:48:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Get her drunk, very drunk.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2008-11-15 03:06:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i'd a gone for the steamer
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-11-15 03:05:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(she probably wants a baby)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2008-11-15 03:04:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
girls who like cats that much are odd.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2008-11-15 02:17:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah that was a cheap shot if I ever saw one. And quite good too.
+2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2008-11-15 02:06:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HEY WHATS WITH THE CHEAP SHOT YOU MOTHERFUCKER
Submitted by iambetteratit (user info) at 2008-11-15 01:09:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were your roomate I would use the cat as my wingman and swoop your girl.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2008-11-15 01:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2008-11-15 00:54:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2008-11-15 00:35:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2008-11-15 00:17:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reads like a date from jack land.
Except jack's date is also a cat.
And the dialogue is actually an internal monologue.
Submitted by Squirrelly_Girl (user info) at 2008-11-15 00:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So what type of toys DOES the kitty like?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2008-11-15 00:14:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2008-11-15 00:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh - yeah, I've been on alot of bad dates lately too...
weeeeeep
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2008-11-15 00:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2008-11-14 23:52:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pics or it didn't happen.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2008-11-14 23:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha!