o, m, f god... (1583 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.58 on 69 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (View user info) at 2009-06-22 08:02:58 EDT
My niece is getting married on the weekend. It's a little bit weird because it only seemed like not so long ago that she was a flowergirl at my own wedding. My dad rang me tonight to say he was staying at my sister's place on the weekend and would see me there - at the wedding.
"shit, shit, shit shit shit" I thought and rang the number on the wedding invitation the minute Dad hang up, and straight after I'd dug it up out of the second kitchen drawer that I throw EVERYthing in.
The phone rang and I studied the invite. Ben 'eh? My niece is marrying a guy called ben. "Oh hi ben this is danger, Hannah's uncle. Listen I'm terribly sorry I haven't got back to you before.....let's see........the 13th but I've rather been under the pump, wouldn't know if my pants were on fire and all - what what? Anyway I'd love to come to your wedding - should be a right shebang in fact it sounds like you're having a right old time there in the background."
"No we're just at the wedding rehersal. You're THE Uncle Danger?"
"One and the same, can't imagine your betrothed and my niece has more than one Uncle Danger. Has my not so - rsvp put you out? I'll understand if it has, my fault not yours if I'm too late I'll understand."
"no, no, it's cool....would you like to speak to Hannah?
"Yes, yes I would. Well, tally ho old chap and godspeed at the rehersal. they're incredibly dull but you put on an interested face for your 'life partner' and then go enjoy the rest of the night with the lads, take it from me I know what I'm talking about all the fun is with the boys later on."
".................you're........just how I imagined. see you on saturday thanks for ringing."
''hullo - uncle danger?"
"Now now Hannah not so much with the uncle, we've been down this path, just danger will suffice I feel old enough..."
"sorry. How are you?"
"I'm just dandy. Getting married 'eh by gosh where do the years go. I was just saying to your ben that I feel awful for not replying sooner but Grandad had just rung and prompted my old memory, I'm sorry for my forgetfulness."
"It's fine Unc...danger it's fine I'm glad you rang. Are you bringing anybody?"
"anybody?"
"You know, like a friend - it says on the invite 'and friend'."
"Oh. well. I'd not even thought about that.....i'd only just remembered your invite..."
"You know it's cool - whoever you bring."
"I don't really have anybody....unless I just bring a friend..."
"A couple of weeks ago I tried to ring you after you hadn't replied but I couldn't get through, Grandad said it was because you were out partying with a guy you'd met overseas.."
"he did? ohhhhhhhhh that that was just the cousin of a friend of mine."
"I tried a few times, Mum said you quite often go partying with the 'guys'."
"She did?"
"yes. and she also said he spent the night at your house. Uncle da....danger I have to get back to the rehersal - I'm the bride. It doesn't matter WHO you bring, it's been a long time since you broke up with aunty Helen and we've always worried that you're a little bit....hesitant to just...'open' up - you've been alone for so long. NObody is going to care. Dad might be a little put out and I can't imagine the priest is going to be overly excited - and it'll be a shock for Grandad but Mum and everybody else knows. I have to go, see you there and wish me luck!!"
"luck...."
"uncle danger?"
"yes?"
"Don't show me up in the frock department - haha. but I'll throw you the bouquet."
:(
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-08-20 16:36:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I take it back.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh! Silly me, I should have known! You're planning to dry the flowers, sew a frilly bag for the petals, and sleep with it under your pillow so you'll dream of your life-partner!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-08-20 10:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now now, danger, that's really harsh. Particularly considering I've always been supportive of your life choices.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-20 09:31:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
STFU FEY
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-08-20 09:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*grinning like a loon* Your niece sounds sweet. Watcha gonna do with the bouquet? Dry it and hang it on your wall?
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2009-08-20 06:51:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-20 06:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes well that makes sense. Listen, Major Lee Feelingyou bludgeoning you with the candlestick in the study aside, how come you didn't post as me?
----------------
Okay I'm going to try and make this as simplistic as I can - for you. When the mob was lynching Mussolini and asked "are you SURE you're Mussolini (or Il Duce - coincidence much?) because we don't want to hang the wrong guy", he thought long and hard about being somebody else but then thought, "fuck it, who wants to be a massive fucking cock gobbler", put his head in the noose, said forza milano and gave one final, single fingered salutation.
and because max headroom said if you ever posted as him again he would tell bart - right after he ran to his mommy.
and got her to douche his cry baby.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-07-01 11:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
um, I'm not answering for anything!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-06-24 17:10:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mylove... its been so long..
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-23 18:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You're THE Uncle Danger?"
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-23 14:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-23 09:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's not funny hellrazer
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You clearly don't understand American humor.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2009-06-23 12:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a gay uncle!
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-23 09:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's not funny hellrazer
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-23 09:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BBBWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHHAAAAAAA!!!!
OMG, that seriously just made my day. My co-workers think I'm a lunatic I'm laughing so hard, but fuck 'em!! That was awesome!!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-23 06:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Danger, please apologise to Red for The Patriot. He's been banging on about how he wants us Yanks to say we're sorry. But we're not because Melly isn't ours. Sure he may live here and slide around on his own grease, but ultimately we didn't spawn him. Y'all did.
Thanks.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-06-23 03:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You'd love a pack of arseholes you bumbandit
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-06-23 01:17:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah you are
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 20:57:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'M NOT GAY YOU PACK OF ARSEHOLES
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-06-22 19:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What took them so long? We knew you were gay ages ago.
And NOT because it takes one to know one.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-06-22 19:21:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mattel should come out with a Danger_Ranger Barbie doll.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-06-22 17:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha. lovely.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-06-22 17:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-22 16:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-22 16:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't read it...
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-22 16:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2009-06-22 16:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i don't get it...are you gay?
if you're not gay and they're assuming you are I think i see the irony in the post. If you are gay I don't know what the hell this was about.
+1 with the masses though. I'm a follower.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-06-22 15:15:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this.
I still think you're a queer.
But I still love you. :(
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-22 15:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WANTED
Rifle that can shoot neighbour in the throat.
Must be clean of fingerprints, unless they belong to someone from Bristol.
Will pay in kind, or milk bottle tops.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-22 15:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks Snark.
Oh wait, this isn't my post.
Do you have a rifle I could borrow?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-06-22 15:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi!
I didn't read this. I just threw a +2 out because I know how much you appreciate that kind of integrity.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-22 15:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
P.S
If my neighbour happens to be shot in the throat with a rifle in the next 48 hours, it has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with me, and EVERYTHING to do with EI.
EI - Please stop shooting my neighbours in the throat with an air rifle. I'm getting funny looks from the old bat who runs the neighbourhood watch meetings.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-22 15:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And besides the elephant/gerbil suggestiveness, the guy is a cock who deserves to be shot in the throat with a rifle.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-22 15:01:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I'm justified in doing so, because when you squint your eyes, and look at it, the little flag that sticks up when mail is present reminds me of an elephant fucking a gerbil.
I find that racist.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-22 14:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I a bad person if I shoot my nextdoor neighbour in the throat with a 2.2 air rifle because I don't like the shitty little mailbox he has erected at the end of his driveway?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-22 14:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wear short shorts.
And EI is a wholesome individual, Bristolian or otherwise. It's not his fault, just like it wasn't Hitler's fault that he was a despotic tyrant, responsible for the deaths of millions of innocent dews.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-06-22 13:50:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-06-22 12:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
always.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-06-22 12:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-22 11:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story, good reviews.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:21:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well not very, goodnight arab.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
blah blah blah Jewish crippled community blah blah hate crime blah blah.
Brown power.
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shut up big nose, and btw I didn't call forensic a strumpet YOU did, you maligned minority - nobody likes you. I really have to go to bed because I have to get up. goodnight.
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I did not call her a hooker. I merely suggested that you could pay for her to visit you so that your relatives wouldn't realise that you are a woofter. It is COMPLETELY different.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:16:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'll have you know that I have recently been accepted into the Jewish crippled community so making fun of me is once again a hate crime.
Brown power.
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shut up big nose, and btw I didn't call forensic a strumpet YOU did, you maligned minority - nobody likes you. I really have to go to bed because I have to get up. goodnight.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FG - Breakin hearts of the asian pervert community since 2006.
--
\judging by some of the weird shit they sell over in Japan I am trying to think what proportion of the Japanese Asian Community isnt part of the Perverted part.
=================
Touche' good sir, spot on.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, I'll have you know that I have recently been accepted into the Jewish crippled community so making fun of me is once again a hate crime.
Brown power.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:11:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FG - Breakin hearts of the asian pervert community since 2006.
--
\judging by some of the weird shit they sell over in Japan I am trying to think what proportion of the Japanese Asian Community isnt part of the Perverted part.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Danger, Forensic is not a hooker. She is a scientist. Whilst both may end up with sticky gunk on their hands, there is a profound difference in their proffessions.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who knew that japanese business men could have a fetish for chicks in skeleton masks!?
to each his own I guess.
FG - Breakin hearts of the asian pervert community since 2006.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a hooker now? Wonderful.
I went to an academic conference in Toronto once. The morning of our day of the conference, I was standing in the lobby of the hotel, sending some postcards. Keep in mind, I'm dressed in a smart business suit and was wearing my glasses (so that I'd look the part of the proper academic).
Here comes these two Japanese business men. In very broken and thickly accented English, one asks me a question that I couldn't understand. After several goes, I finally was able to make out the question.
"How much?"
It was here I realized they thought I was a hooker. A hooker in a business pants suit wearing nerdy eyeglasses.
"I'M NOT A HOOKER!" I hissed, horrified and afronted.
They began to bow repeatedly, embarassed by the faux pas.
Now this is interesting, "you stupid asshole" translates across language barriers because I understood completely when one of the Japanese men said it to the other Japanese man, who looked rightfully sheepish.
Anyway, two researchers from Australia (Perth, I believe) were at the conference as well and were staying in the hotel I was at. When I told them over breakfast the next morning (no, I didn't spend the night with them you dirty minded bastards), they stood up and wanted to find the two Japanese men and beat them senseless.
True story.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'M NOT A FAG GODDAMMIT
hi spooner
rad
apollo.
morticia.
fuck you all i'm going to bed. ALONE.
okay well that sounds gay.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-22 10:00:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i can't wear a crotchless chicken suit to a wedding faggity anne,
------------------------
"faggity anne" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
this was good D-R
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, at least we know where the "Ranger" part of your handle comes from.
A derivative of "Ass Ranger."
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There's old hookers and then there's fg, berty. Poor old fj doesn't like fags, even though he's scottish. Still all jealous about our v-shaped abs, huh dumpling?
there's a good fatso.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
CAPTAIN EVIDENT KNOWS NOTHING.
HE LOST IN A FAMOUS MARINE BATTLE TO SEAMAN STAINES, ROGER THE CABIN BOYS UNCLE.
Submitted by uncoordinated_ninja (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When my brother FINALLY got married at 39 he got pissed when his frieds told him "Well, I guess that disspells the gay rumors".
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:51:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I apologise, I am being insensitve.
Perhaps you could hire a lady, a very pretty lady, to re-affirm your position with your family?
I've read that if you hire an older hooker, nobody will guess that you have paid her to spend time with you. Although it may be cheaper to simply buy Forensic a plane ticket to the land of shrimps and savagery.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:45:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
omg i've just had an epiphany- delivered to my door - let me unfurl it.....
oh yes, i see.....hm yes...........bugger about this smattering of rain I'm having....still, it doesn't seem to make the text run..........bit of an old soldier to read though I hope the driveway is long enough....
nope, still can't make it out, maybe if I get up on the roof......
<climb climb climb>
that's it, now I see it,
"EMISSION LOVES BOYS - A LOT - IN THEIR......" DARN I still can't make out that last bit, maybe if I make like a possum and tightrope walk across the phone line.......oh. "pOOPER." "EMISSION LOVES BOYS IN THEIR POOPER..." Well, whoever sent this epiphany mustn't of heard of the internet, wait....there's more......"from CAPTAIN EVIDENT, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS'S BROTHER." Well now it all makes sense.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my mum says you can wear whatever the hell you want, she will even lend you her chastity belt.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:28:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Class.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i can't wear a crotchless chicken suit to a wedding faggity anne, not even in bristol. Ask your mum if I can wear one of her comely aprons emblazoned with "my son will eat anything, as long as it's proffered on a ricketty old ricketty old dinner tables r us table and it comes from a can" aprons.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 13:56:35 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was hoping I could borrow your chavberry tuxedo Epission, considering you'd be staying in on saturday night madly texting bristols got talent and watching the bill with your MUM.
=====================
Donger Ranger,
I only have this suit.
http://www.fastfancydress.co.uk/templates/imagedirectory/chicken%20suit%20lg.jpg
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:09:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IT'S NOT FUNNY BONNIE I HAVE TO GO TO THIS FUCKING THING
btw answer your fucking emails. and up yours berty, you islamic cuntriod. and cripple. you islamic cuntriod cripple.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-22 09:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She thinks you're gay? Heh.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-22 08:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-06-22 08:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was hoping I could borrow your chavberry tuxedo Epission, considering you'd be staying in on saturday night madly texting bristols got talent and watching the bill with your MUM.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-22 08:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
will you wear a flowery number or just hide a basque under that suit you bought from Coles?
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-06-22 08:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I chuckled.