On Why I Hate the Fourth (1005 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.12 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2009-07-02 11:29:31 EDT
My neighborhood's a bit different. Just down the block are several beautifully maintained stone dwellings, with cupolas and stained glass windows and gated entries. Up the street, we live in a staggered row of comfortable starter homes; split-level deals built in the late 80's with sprawling gardens, red brick foundations, sprawling decks, and dog-eared picket fences crawling with ivy and grape vines. Then there's Gus across the street.
Gus's house isn't so much a house as a shack built by the Goonies. The sort of thing a washed-out Corey Rhodes probably lived, and masturbated, and drank himself into many a stupor in before the advent of reality TV spelled the brief ressurection of what we can only loosely describe as his career. The shape is vaguely rectangular, the walls are a mixture of chipboard and warped plywood, and neither of the windows match. I've never actually been in Gus's hovel, but I imagine that the floor, somewhere under the crumpled Shlitz cans and Slim Jim wrappers and mostly composted chaw and spooj, is the original dirt that came with the place.
His dust driveway is packed with cars and trucks and tractors in various states of direpair and disassembly; a collection that spills out on to what once may have been a yard. He still puts on the sprinkler for appearances every now and again, because what's a vagrant car collection without rust stains?
Now I'm well aware of the biased sort of picture you're already drawing of Gus, and I can tell you you're dead wrong. Alright, so he is a middle-aged kind of guy with a salt-and-pepper mullet, a handlebar moustache. So he has bleary eyes, a face kind of like Goofy, and a sagging gut. That much is true. But despite what you're thinking, he's not an executive workaholic with an MBA and a passion for competitive badmitton. He does not play the oboe for the Baltimore Consort, nor does he smoke a calabash pipe and solve crimes in his deerhunter cap. But if Gus cannot be described as any of these things, he (and his widening array of sons/stepsons/other shack-living peasant buddies) can at the very least be described as patriotic.
These men (and their sister-wifes) love their country. And around this time of year, they express this love by spending every weekend partaking of domestic beer and marlboro reds and standing shirtless in front of a grill making grunting small talk regarding sporting events. And then, when they're good and blitzed and it's just past eleven, they express their love for their country by taking Chinese-made explosives and blowing small portions of it up.
That's right.
*BLADOW*
"Yurk yurk!"
"Light another'un, cous'n Jeb!"
*BRAPAPAPAPPAPAPPAPAPAPPAPAPPAPAPPAPAPAPAP*
"YOOO-EY!"
"I durn burned off mah arm hairs, paw!"
"NUR PAY THAT NO MIND! LAHT ANOTHER'UN!"
Cue every barking dog and screaming baby for a quarter mile.
This happens every five fucking minutes. For fucking hours.
Now I realize that, for some reason or other, fireworks have come to symbolize the culmination of the American Revolutionary War, which, for various reasons* ended in our favor. I would assume that the association is some manner of conspiracy betwixt Halmark and the Chinese fireworks manufacturers**.
I can understand the childish glee which results in seeing a brightly colored bit of paper and plastic go 'Bang'. I can comprehend the 'oohs' and 'ahs' produced when sodium or barium salt, in combination with black powder, produced a shower of colored sparks. What I can't understand is how this phenomenon remains so consistently amusing. Don't they notice that each time you light the fuse, you get approximately the same results? Doesn't this get tedious hour after hour, day after day? It's like every fucking snap-pop is their first.
Ever played The Sims? Ever notice how a character's "Fun" need can be met by watching the TV, which basically consists of five images that rotate repeatedly? It's got to be close to the same thing. Which makes me honestly wonder whether or not these rednecks are truly human. Which honestly makes me wonder whether or not killing them would technically be a crime.
Because I have to admit that the thought has crossed my mind.
They seem to like black powder, after all. I've got a thirty-two pound carronade out back that could take a lot of black powder. And grape. And maybe a few cups of nails and broken glass. If they're looking to reenact it would certainly be much more accurate than a jumping jack or a "Lucky Joy Fountain".
It's at times like these that I have to wonder whether their childish glee, or their lives in general, are actually worth my being bothered. And it's at times like these that I honestly, and with a twinge of regret, believe that they're not***.
* Including French naval assistance, a timely cold snap, and the British not wanting to fight a war on two fronts.
** If you asked them, I'm sure they'd reply, in broken English, that it had to do with "freedom" or "liberty", or some other tired excuse. Or perhaps they would say something about the reenactment of the revolutionary war; American celebrating by reenacting what the British did (with their rockets) to Colonial infantry.
*** Hullo again, FBI. If you're out there, which you're probably not, as you may have better things to do that trawl the backwaters of the internet, I'd like to note that these are musings, not terroristic threats. I'm not going to kill anyone and am rather sane. Probably. Thanks.
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-07-08 09:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-07-08 01:19:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to love trawling through your redneck neighbourhood stories...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-06 09:31:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fair enough reason.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2009-07-05 22:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
explosives go well with cheap beer
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-04 12:28:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Man COLUMBUS Day really sucks....
Submitted by bustedcompass (user info) at 2009-07-03 17:25:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will grant you that there is nothing more fun than blowing things up when you are so drunk that you need a designated driver only because you can't remember what kind of car you own. In fact, there is nothing more fun than blowing things up even when stone cold sober. Blowing things up just satisfies some deep neanderthal guy-thing. It's zen-like.
But I also will say that neighbor's fireworks are right up there with barking dogs and automobile alarms in the annoyance factor. This is beautiful.
Definitely a 2.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2009-07-03 15:55:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment necessary
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Never underestimate spite. What pulled Britain through the darkest days of the Luftwaffe's attack? Spite. If the royal family had headed for safety, if Churchill had buckled under the enormous call to capitulate, if the British hadn't been so damned set on spitting in the eye of that batshit insane mustacheod kraut, things would have gone entirely differently.
These peasants tried to make me one of them. They tried to explain the rules of the neighborhood, and how I had to play along to get along. In response, I've broken up their celebrations and had Gus and one of his chitluns arrested. I've actually made the guy cry. That' not only an accomplishment, but PROGRESS. It's manifest destiny, bidges.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-03 12:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Second generation American (all family from Canada), but largely Ojibwa at any rate.
I'm not debating the meaning behind the fourth, though I do think that the amount of historically revisionistic fellation America gives itself in regards to this war borders on delusion (see Mel Gibson's The Patriot). The indigenous heathen can partake in any celebrations they wish. I only question:
A. The fact that the peasantfolk remain consistently amused, hour after hour, day after day, year after year, with a few teaspoons of gunpowder and various salts/metal shavings.
B. Given that humans (and animals in general) eventually become accustomed, and grow bored with, stimulus, what A indicates in terms of the peasants' sentience/intelligence level, and whether or not laws should be passed allowing me to hunt/kill them.
C. How amusing it would be to have the popo (who hate them anyways) break up the festivities, and possibly watch the peasantfolk take a mace beatdown on Cops.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-07-03 06:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2009-07-03 02:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess you're just a spiteful loser then. Sorry for wasting your time.
Submitted by JohnnyBurnside (user info) at 2009-07-03 02:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't care who you are, playing with fireworks while drinking never gets old.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-07-03 01:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-07-03 01:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-02 12:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In Florida you can buy all kinds of serious fireworks, including the really cool made-in-USA dealios they use in the Disney displays. No matter what size you buy, though, you have to sign a paper that says you will either be using them out of State or that you're using them to scare birds from your trees. True story.
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Apparently one can buy fireworks in PA, so long as you are not a PA resident. Us PA residents may only purchase 'non-fireworks' like sparklers in PA, unless we have a permit. True story. As I understand it anyway.
Icarus, are you entirely sure you aren't Canadian?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-02 21:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2009-07-02 17:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It started off well then you got a little ranty.
It sounds like, quite simply, you live next to a redneck. I'm sure the celebration is annoying, but you really can't be offended by what they're doing. Celebrating national events seems awkward in America because our country is much younger than those with real culture and tradition. But you can't blame people for having the natural instinct of nationalism. Combine that with the characteristics associated with the rednecks that undoubtedly raised Gus and you've got a recipe for an over-the-top Independence day celebration.
I don't know where you're from, but all I can say is be thankful you don't live in a neighborhood full off niggers.
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I can take offense at pretty much anything. It's a skill I've worked hard to cultivate, and I'm quite proud of it. I've had several of Gus's celebrations broken up, including a superbowl party they brought a bullhorn to. I honestly enjoy seeing these little portions of his life and identity destroyed, and hope to one day drive him to commit suicide and/or kill his wife/chitluns.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-02 18:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT FUCKER.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-07-02 18:09:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I hate the 2nd.
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2009-07-02 17:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It started off well then you got a little ranty.
It sounds like, quite simply, you live next to a redneck. I'm sure the celebration is annoying, but you really can't be offended by what they're doing. Celebrating national events seems awkward in America because our country is much younger than those with real culture and tradition. But you can't blame people for having the natural instinct of nationalism. Combine that with the characteristics associated with the rednecks that undoubtedly raised Gus and you've got a recipe for an over-the-top Independence day celebration.
I don't know where you're from, but all I can say is be thankful you don't live in a neighborhood full off niggers.
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-07-02 16:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a fucking dick.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-07-02 15:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm not going to kill anyone and am rather sane."
-------
You're not fooling anyone.
Everyone who frequents this site is a murderous, insane person who jacks off to twisted videos of kittens being drowned, leprechauns being tortured, and porn so degrading it would make Max Mosley convert to a Muslim.
Well, that's the guys anyway. The females here are just after starring roles.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-07-02 15:22:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Liquidice281 (user info) at 2009-07-02 14:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Beer + Explosives + BBQ = FUN no matter where you live...
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yurk yurk yurk.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-02 15:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.I live in a shack {multiple shacks, huts and hovels spaced evenly across the USA}
2.In the evenings I light "sparklers" and "fountains", not the loud irritating fireworks.
3.I do not like the National Anthem because of "The bombs bursting in air and the rockets red glare". {would like it to be replaced with "America The Beautiful" or the Chipmunks singing "Last Dance For Mary Jane".
4.I stay indoors at midnight on July 4th to avoid being struck by bullets discharged by the Glockers.
5.I live in the hills and am a hillbilly. OK, I lie. I live high in the mountains in one of the most beautiful mountain ranges on earth and am an upscale squirrel.
6.The population here is 200 so says the sign on the highway.
7.Does my comment have anything to do with this post? Yes.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2009-07-02 15:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll tell you what. you grab the table, chairs and a pack of smokes. i'll grab a pitch fork and a block of wood. we'll blockade the sons of bitches.
Submitted by Liquidice281 (user info) at 2009-07-02 14:20:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Beer + Explosives + BBQ = FUN no matter where you live...
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-02 14:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If this were cultural, I wouldn't be quite as willing to kill them. I could likely take a Chinese New Years celebration over this. True, technically speaking, this IS cultural, but rednecks are not a valid culture and should therefor not exist.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-07-02 13:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They've got nothing on my Armenian immigrant neighbors, who start letting off fireworks on July 1st (usually around midnight) and reluctantly stop around the 6th. There's no one more patriotic than a refugee. (And since they are Christian refugees, they celebrate Christmas with a fervor that makes Pat Robertson look like a devil worshipper. They decorate all the trees along the streets. We even get carollers, in fuckin' Los Angeles, dressed like a Currier and Ives painting. It's surreal.)
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-07-02 13:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was at a party recently where a guy decided the best way to avoid blowing his hand off was to hold the fireworks with barbecue tongs. He didn't account for the showering sparks burning his hands, head and face. He didn't do this just once, he did it with the entire box of fireworks. He later walked into the screen door.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-07-02 13:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, just be glad I'm not your neighbor. I build my own fireworks, and they'll take an arm off at the very least. And on the 4th I unleash Hell.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-02 12:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In Florida you can buy all kinds of serious fireworks, including the really cool made-in-USA dealios they use in the Disney displays. No matter what size you buy, though, you have to sign a paper that says you will either be using them out of State or that you're using them to scare birds from your trees. True story.
My patriotic act for this Independance Day will be to join an organized protest against the insanity of the current governmental administration. I have a sign and everything. There will be hundreds of such protests, all across the country. They're calling them "Tea Parties" after the Boston Tea Party wherein the local fervor against unfair and unduly burdensome taxation without adequate representation was brought to light.
Afterward, back to watch the fireworks over grilled steaks and cold beer.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You keep saying we're going to make this paper. You keep saying you'll narrate and we'll put it on Youtube. I even started a script. But it never happens. You're such a research-tease.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HI DOOFLES. YOUR PRESENCE HAS BEEN VALIDATED. BASK IN THE GLOW OF SOMEONE ACTUALLY ACKNOWLEDGING YOU AND HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL THE SUPPORT GROUP.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I almost forgot. http://www.ubersite.com/m/89920
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we need to add a section in our paper about the whole Patriotism = Blowin' Shit Uuuup!
I think there is a positive correlation between the disrepair of one's domicile to one' sense of patriotism. We need to test our data.
Conference later?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
shirtless dan is a cultural and evolutionary step above Gus, old boy. Shirtless Dan lives in a house and only occasionally flaunts his sporadically hairy beer gut. He also holds a job.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was a solid one, but in my Ratings and Rankings Calculation (RRC) the circle-jerk variable drops it down
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was wondering when you'd trot a gus story out again.
but where's shirtless dan?
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:47:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would think that firing cannons on unsuspecting rednecks, thus killing them and their wives and children without giving them any sporting possibility of self-defence, would be a pretty good representation of several Revolutionary battles. We could put it on the learning channel, and the barefoot, pregnant redneck woman sobbing blood over her dead husband right before my Hessian mercenaries run her down would be dreadfully educational.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:47:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We used to have a dog that would tear it's paw hair out over fireworks and thunder.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-07-02 11:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never played the sims