The Best Movies That Haven’t Been Made (and Probably Never Will) (719 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 0.46 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by PMJ <potatomanjack79.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2009-07-07 18:38:06 EDT
Back in University, me and my best friend (known as Bender from now on), loved to talk about movies that would be awesome. Most involved odd super powers, zombies, pirates, robots, ninjas, revenge fantasies, or some combination thereof.
The most memorable movie that I remember him talking about was titled HookWizard. It was about a wizard, that had two hooks instead of hands. It would kind of be like Harry Potter, except not about a school or some kid that was special and went to magic school. More it would have been about a wizard that had hooks instead of hands. I can't really remember anything else about the story... just the hooks and the wizard, and to be honest, that's probably enough to make one of the most kick-ass movies ever.
Anyways, because this post is all about me, and how awesomely insane (in an awesome type of way) my mind works. Here are the top three movies that I came up with. Although I have way more than just these three, these were rated by a panel (see: drunk retarded college friends of mine) to be the most tublawesical (a combination of tubular, awesome, and radical (it was TMNT week at my house this week)).
Movie the First: Spoon Controlling Cyber-Finger
Premise: A hero guy of some type is blessed with the power to control spoons, when a train carrying toxic waste and spoons has an accident that he is somehow involved in. He also looses his finger in the accident, and his middle finger gets replaced by a cybernetic one. Said cybernetic figure also gets radiated somehow, giving him super flip-off powers (i.e. getting flipped off by his cyber finger is such a potent insult that it will blow you off your feet, and if you survive you will be so devastated that you'd commit suicide). As you can imagine, the potential for nut-kicking, face-rocking, uterus-smashing action and one liners that will your grandmother piss Redbull is near limitless.
Origin: One night, we were playing a game of sit in the cafeteria for as long as possible after dinner to see when we would be kicked out. As an aside, we always eventually just left because the cleaning staff would basically never kick us out, and would just stand around us and wait, until the point where the awkwardness stopped being funny to us. Anyway, so we were playing that game and talking about what the worst super power would be, when spoon-control was mentioned. At first we thought it would suck, but then we started talking a little bit more about it and saw that it was actually the most powerful super power EVAR. Being blessed with the power would allow you to ride a magical carpet of spoons with a shield of spoons floating around you, and be able to fire spoons at people at eye-gouging speed. Another of these powers that started off crap but ended awesome was having a cybernetic middle finger. Of course, it came about that the finger would have to be powered by some kind of nuclear power source, and we all know that adding radiation to anything means some kind of super power results. Hence was formed Spoon Controlling Cyber-Finger.
Movie the Second: Trash Talking Jesus
Premise: In an alternate dimension, after learning that he is the son of Christ, rather then dedicating his life purely to spreading the good word, Jesus went the way of 60 IQ NBA baller as opposed to saviour to humanity. Hell, who wouldn't feel at least a little bit self-important after finding out that they're the son of God? The saviour would then go on some kind of adventure and learn an important life lesson along the way, and the grand finale would end with everyone enjoying a banana split while watching a tap dancing unicorn.
Origin: One night, while getting shit-faced out of our mind, we ended up watching basketball because truly nothing else was on, and also it was kind of fun to say racist things at the TV. Anyway, at half-time they were interviewing one of the players (I can't remember who, but him name was something like Malikwakhan Jermaine Johnson) who was quite impressed with himself for how he had played in the first half. To one of his more self-aggrandising statements I responded "Who does this guy think he is, Jesus?" The rest is history.
Movie the Third: Jesus v. The Space Nazis (yeah, I know another Religious flick, but this one also tackles issues of space-racism and bulimia)
Premise: It's the future. The world is at war with itself. Just when things don't look like they can get worse... they do. The Space Nazis arrive, and they're not here for tea. They begin to kick the crap out of the earth when low and behold Jesus' third coming occurs. Yes, his third coming. You see, when Jesus came the second time, no one believed that he was Jesus, because they were all so jaded from all the cults and crap that have come and gone. To combat the problem, this time Jesus has come with Godly technology so that everyone will believe him. Finding that the world is getting its ass kicked, Jesus is the one man who can take the fight to the enemy... will this saviour have it in him to save the world... again?
Origin: One night when discussing how fucked up Nazis were, we started discussing some of their technological goals. Seeing as they were all into rockets and weird biological experiments we figured it was possible if not likely that they fired a rocket into space with Hitler's DNA in it (just trust the fucktard-gorilla logic on this one). Seeing as space is jam packed with Aliens looking for a leader, it's just a matter of time before a race would find the rocket, extract the DNA, clone Hitler, make him their leader, and then march on the planet earth. I mean come on, how could it not happen? With that threat looming before us, we started talking about who would be able to stand up to the Space Nazis. The only answers that really made sense where Jesus or Voltron. Seeing as Voltron would probably have better things to do, that left Jesus. Perfectly logical see?
Yep, so that's that.
If anyone wants to make any of these movies, please do so. I don't even need that much money from the proceeds, just like $100k and credits at the start of the movie which say "Based on the Pulitzer Prize winning Novel by PMJ" is cool by me. And come on, if a movie with one of the above titles came out, who in their right mind wouldn't see it? The only people I can see not lining up weeks in advance to get tickets would be Jews, and that's a Kosher thing anyway so it's not even their fault.
P.S. I love saying the word 'Jews'... it sounds racist when I say it, but it's not actually racist. It's just like saying Christians or Pollacks.
P.P.S. All movies would somehow have to have Jon Voight in them
User Reviews
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-07-13 09:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf, not reading
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-07-08 23:44:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-08 23:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of your jesus movies sounds like the book "Lamb" by Christopher Moore. Irreverent and funny as..HELL. Worth reading for sure.
heh
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-07-08 20:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Congrats. Your ideas are even worse than Hollywood's. You've managed to singlehandedly out-suck Ewe Bolle.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2009-07-08 11:21:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I smiled. I used to this sort of thing with my friends, but I can't really remember any of them. I do remember one which involved Zombies, Werewolves, Vampires, Nazis, AND the Soviets. Something like each time you thought you've beaten one you'd find out another is actually pulling the strings.
Submitted by jblum (user info) at 2009-07-08 10:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK U U PIECE OF FARM ANIMAL FECAL MATTER
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-07-08 10:01:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These movies must somehow include Kurt Russell.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-07-08 00:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-07-07 22:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd see hook hand wizard
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I hope you see your guts handed to you on a plate.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-07-07 22:20:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd see hook hand wizard
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-07-07 19:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-07 19:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any movie with Jesus and Space Nazis has got to be good, no matter how godawful it actually is. I mean, I paid to see Transformers 2, amirite?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-07-07 19:28:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your name. It's very similar to mine. You're obviously a man of high caliber and exceptional taste.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-07-07 19:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Hopefully, for my sake, "Bender" never made it to Hollywood or got a literary agent...
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-07 18:42:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You think of really odd premises for movies when you're high too? WOAH thats freaky, maaaaaaan!