The Strategies of Plants (565 hits)
Category: Science & EnvironmentalRating: 0.91 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2009-07-14 00:38:05 EDT
I'm stoned right now. This post probably won't be worth posting, but I'll post it anyway because that's the kind of thing I do when I'm stoned. Things always seem more intriguing when I'm stoned. Movies or stories which I'd normally find lame or boring have me laughing out loud or sitting on the edge of my seat, munching Doritos or, in this case, cherries. You should get stoned before reading this. My brain often strays onto long tangents from which there is sometimes no returning when I'm stoned.
But I digress. It may not be apparent to you that I've digressed because I haven't started in on my Main Topic yet. But I know what I mean to say (I may even use it for a title, just to prove it), and I've already digressed.
I was sitting here getting high and picking burrs out of my socks when I fell to pondering the strategies of plants. The strategies of plants? you ask. But strategy implies being able to think ahead and make plans and plants can't do that.
I disagree. That's only your species-centric view of the world. I'm not suggesting plants can plan ahead, only that the uniquely human ability to plan ahead matters very little when it comes to the only objective in life that really matters: that of reproducing as prolifically as possible. You may think your clever pickup lines down at the local meat market are the product of sly planning on your part. But actually you can thank Darwinian Evolution. You deserve about as much credit for copulating with the bartender's friend as the plant that produced these burrs does for sticking them in my sock. Just as Darwinian Evolution provided you with your your irresistable sex appeal, it provided some annoying little weed with a strategy for spreading its own disagreeable seed as far and wide as possible. The only difference is that it's at my socks' expense rather than the bartender's friend.
Not all plants employ such an exploitive strategy. Take fruit trees, for example. They too depend on passersby for their Diaspora. But at least the transporters of their seeds are volunteers rather than conscripts, and they're rewarded with something to eat. Fuck, I paid for these cherries I'm furiously munching away on and here I am spitting the seeds over the railing. Maybe they'll sprout, thereby spreading the cherry tree's progeny farther and wider than it ever could have imagined, if a cherry tree could imagine a thing like that. Although frankly, they've never sprouted before, not in all the years I've been spitting them over the railing. Maybe they're genetically engineered that way on purpose so the seed companies make more money.
My favorite plant strategy is that of the pine tree. I'm not sure if all pine trees employ this strategy, but the ones around here, knobcone pines, do. The knobcone pine is closely related to the gray pine, which used to be called the digger pine but had to be renamed out of political correctness because it got its original name from the fact that members of the indigenous population could often be found digging for pine nuts around the tree's base. Someone considered that activity demeaning to the Indians, and naming a tree after it was apparently too much like rubbing it in their faces.
The knobcone pine is a butt ugly tree that thrives in tinderbox dry areas prone to forest fires. Its sap is a syrupy version of kerosene. The tree exudes it from all over. Slow motion rivers of it pour from any wound, as anyone can attest who has drunkenly propped himself up against one after having used it earlier for axe-throwing practice. You can actually light these sticky streams with a lighter if you want, although it's best not to try it in the summer.
The knobcone pine hasn't quite gained the ability to spontaneously combust, but it's not far off. All it takes is a hot summer day and one burning ember and--whoosh!--up it goes like a Roman candle. Knobcones usually grow in groves, so once one goes, they all go. If the wind is blowing they literally explode. Chaparral and other vegetation which has managed to claw its way back since the last forest fire becomes covered in sap that the knobcones drip on everything around them. Entire hillsides are scorched to the ground as if they'd been doused in napalm. Nothing survives.
And here is where I think the knobcone pine's strategy is at its best. Not only is it the prime instigator of forest fires in its geographic area, but its seeds thrive on fire! Normally, only a small percentage of pine nuts germinate. But after a fire, they germinate like crazy. The other plants have to wait for carriers or the wind to spread their seed back over the burned area, but the knobcone seeds are already there, supercharged by fire. This gives the fresh waves of knobcones a big head start. They carpet the burned areas after a forest fire like a gigantic lawn, leaving no room for anything else to grow.
You might wonder why, with such an obviously superior strategy, knobcones haven't taken over the world, or at least all the drier parts of it. In nature, however, everything is eventually balanced out. Anything as plentiful as the knobcones would make great sustenance for something that could subsist on them. And indeed there is something that does: the pine-bore beetle. Their larva grow to be as big as your thumb: plump, white squishy things that look exactly like one of the Creepy Crawler molds I had as a kid. I wonder if they still make those Creepy Crawler ovens. My God--they do! http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2335340) The larvae munch the wood just under the bark, strangling the tree. On a hot, still day you can hear them chewing away.
Pine-bore beetles kill the knobcones in big, brown bunches. Somehow the trees sense the end is near. They put all their energy into producing pine cones. In the last year before they die, their branches become laden with them. Then they fall over or break, toppling into one another and eventually settling into the chaparral. If a fire doesn't come soon, their lives will have been in vain, because they decompose quickly, reducing the forest's overall flammability. Although their cones persist for many years, if enough time goes by without a forest fire the knobcones may be crowded out once and for all. Madrones and oaks and other more desirable trees take their place. Once pushed completely out, the knobcones have a difficult time reestablishing themselves.
Knobcones have not yet discovered a strategy against pine-bore beetles. Other than burning, of course. Which is exactly what they almost always do. Especially around humans. We humans are a huge help to the knobcones in that respect. Until they figure out a way to spontaneously combust, they'll have to rely on us to light their fires for them. Either that or wait for lightning strikes, which are rare around here.
Here it is a thousand words later and I've either forgotten my Main Topic or else it didn't turn out to be as intriguing as it seemed half an hour ago when I was getting high and picking the burrs out of my socks. Oh, I remember: something about how stoners and cannabis have a symbiotic relationship. But those fucking burrs, they grow everywhere around here.
User Reviews
Submitted by nutsplash (user info) at 2009-07-22 18:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
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Submitted by Liquidice281 (user info) at 2009-07-22 18:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2009-07-16 19:37:54 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jealous.
I've spent most of my morning researching legal highs on the internet because I can't smoke marijuana for employment related reasons and am far too much of a feign to remain sober 24/7.
I've concluded, after much toil, that I am fucked.
Good post.
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Dude, the old school psychedelics are not tested for usually -- just find a good supplier. Magic muchrooms and LSD :D
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2009-07-16 20:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jealous.
I've spent most of my morning researching legal highs on the internet because I can't smoke marijuana for employment related reasons and am far too much of a feign to remain sober 24/7.
I've concluded, after much toil, that I am fucked.
Good post.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-07-15 11:11:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason the picture reminded me of that line in Land of the Lost where that kid from Role Models says "if I shot a ton of weed at the Sun would everyone on Earth get high?"
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-07-15 11:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the first line.
Motherfucker, I'm jealous.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-07-14 15:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a 125 ft. tall dead pine tree towering over my hut. Timbermen lugging big chain saws keep coming and offering to fall the tree for nothing. Do they have insurance in case the damn thing falls wrong? Noo.
I called a tree service WITH insurance, the tree comes down next week after the power,cable and phone companies take their lines off the dead tree. It has been used for a power pole since way before I bought the place 20 years ago.
I agree that plants communicate with eachother and some studies prove it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-07-14 13:18:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2009-07-14 12:03:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm sure it was probably worth reading...
but auto -2 for..."But I digress. "
That phrase is overused and often misused.
And frankly, I can't stand it anymore.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-07-14 10:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I prefer being drunk. Plants don't hold any significance other than being pissed on when you are in fact drunk.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-07-14 08:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny old thing, life.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-07-14 07:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the strategies of black walnuts or Trees of Heaven, using alleopathic residuals in the soil to keep competition from getting a start at all. Ever walked under a black walnut tree? Not much there except old black decomposing hulls of Juglathone.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-07-14 04:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The knobcone pine
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Thats a funny pine
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-07-14 02:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not too bad. i got stoned today and almost posted, but then forgot about it.