DEcipher my DREAM, I was going to type 'analyse' but I didn't want you children to get all childish, and no 'your mom' interpretations or small penis jokes this is serious. (827 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (View user info) at 2009-08-02 06:28:37 EDT
I was going to my niece's wedding - *again* (with Ducky - whatever), but before we went, even though we were dressed and ready to go and trust me when I've finally tied my tie just right?, I don't like to take it off but before we left we went to a pub, drank a fair bit and then had sex in public. Not right out in the open we were trying to be discreet but it was in the open area of Garden City (a local shopping centre), between the cinemas and the shopping centre proper - late afternoon.
Anyway we got sorted/dressed again etc and got in an old, big type of american sedan and left for the wedding. I was complaining that I needed to go to the toilet (pee) but we were in a hurry and Big Steve and another guy called Stephen - my cousin who I was really tight with as a kid, who also both happened to be going to the wedding and in the big old american sedan with me and Ducky, sorry - Ducky and I, were like who fucking cares just go when we get there.
As we crested a rise and drove down a hill that looked very similar to a hill we used to drive over and in the air and then down as teenagers whenever I 'borrowed' my dad's work car, we noticed a police car near the bottom on the side of the road where they'd pulled over another car. For some reason I - who was driving, deemed this to be a road-block and pulled over on the soft shoulder.
If you're going to pee d_r now would be a good time Ducky said, so, I went to pee. I was sort of suprised to see other people - mostly males and most of them dressed as though they might be going to a wedding also, already peeing. Some against large granite boulders, some against the wide concrete pylons of the overhead bridge that wasn't there before, others just into shrubs and tall grass. I was only sort of suprised because I figured these other people had seen the road-block as well and needed to pee even more than I did, so got to the best spots first. I didn't want to pee next to all the other people - maybe I was shy or didn't want to pee near girls, so I wandered further back up the road and found a nice boulder in amongst some others that even more well dressed people were peeing against (it...the boulders and surrounds kind of reminded me of a level on Halflife 2 - i don't know either). Fuck this I thought if I walk any further I will pee in my sweet charcoal suit, so unzipped myself and proceeded to pee against my nice boulder.
I don't know what it's like for girls, but sometimes if you're a guy and you hold on for a really long time even though you have MASSIVE amounts of pee to expel, it doesn't just rush out like victoria falls.
So I watched with some contempt as the thin, twisting yellowish gold stream began to splat against the boulder, firstly in short bursts and then finally in a more relieving, steady flow. I became concerned that the backsplash would hit my pants, stepped back a bit and aimed down at the foot of the boulder. The dry dirt mixed with my steaming piss splattering against the rock concerned me even more and I tried to control the force of my swollen bladder so as to not cause so much devastation and stepped back again anxiously looking for some grass or a nice big prickly weed to pee on - there was no WAY I was going to get pee backsplash on my tastefully not too pointy or square-toed shoes - people place a LOT of credence on tasteful shoes.
I found a suitable patch of grass near the base of the boulder to aim at, relaxed my shoulders and sighed, closing my eyes. Finally; calm, unanxious relief. Unfortunately that didn't last long because I became a little uneasy about how long it was taking me to finish, fuck me I'd been peeing for like a couple of minutes. Panic slowly began to surface as those couple of minutes turned to four, then five, then six or seven.
"Jesus christ just fiNISH fucking peeing already!" I demanded to and of myself, "this is RIDICULOUS." I looked down and noticed a corona bottle on the end of my dick <insert small peener joke>, slowly filling but instead of it totally freaking me out I found it strangely calming.
It's then that I woke and explained EVERYTHING that had happened to Ducky, at a tossy sidewalk cafe we were having a late sunday morning coffee at. I was EXPLAINING A DREAM INSIDE OF A DREAM - OMG!! (maybe this was why it was so vivid).
Then I actually *really* woke on the couch (naturally - I nearly always fall asleep on the couch), staring up at the ceiling, the tv softly 'blaring' sbs's weather program. I thought "woAH", and immediately patted the the couch area around my hips.
Even though I am not in the habit of wetting my couch, I was inordinately relieved that given all the desperately dreaming that I was trying to hurriedly force my pee, and then RELIVING it INSIDE that SAME TOTAL dream, I hadn't. I then got up and pee'd for reElz, made some coffee and got bored. So I went up the coast on the promise of sizeable waves, found to my dismay that they were kind of not so sizeable and that if I dipped my toe in the water it was quite freezing. Still, it was better I'd driven all that way to realise I'd wasted my time driving all that way than to sit on the couch watching banal sunday tv and eating peanut m&m's. Speaking of which I should probably stop eating peanut m&m's late on a saturday night watching trite saturday night tv.
In other news, my youngest scored his FIRST goal yesterday, always the provider and never the scorer, his first 3 years spent as 'keeper and constantly in the shadow of his handsome jock brother and the next 3 watching every other kid score, he glided into an unmarked far post position and sweetly struck a ball on his OFF foot that he called for sammy smartypants who always scores to leave and two defenders manfully tried to keep it out but only served to deflect it back into the opposite corner it wasn't already going in.
He made a single, clenched fist that is international sign language for "FUCK YEAH!" and his maternal grandad and I did basically the same thing up in the stands. Those are the moments you live for. Simple, won't change global warming but it sure put things in perspective. My crappy, get up at a godforsaken hour on a saturday morning to arrive at the soccer field BEFORE the coach and EVERYbody ELSE because APPARENTLY GETTING TO SOCCER LATE IS LIKE MISSING A FUCKING JOB INTERVIEW OR AT LEAST YOU'D *THINK* GIVEN THE WAY MY EX CARRIES ON.....had suddenly turned into a life's great moments saturday morning.
On the way home I waxed lyrical about how fantastic his goal was, they'd won 3-nil and his was the last but wtf, they'd climbed into second position on the table and his goal was NOT the icing on the cake it WAS the putting them to the sword.
"Mate that was fantastic, I TOLD you you just needed to keep drifting in on that far post.."
"I hit it well but they kind of knocked it in themselves...."
"Sweetheart it was GOING in, they were just scrambling to keep it out."
[silence]
"It was a great shot mate. Do you know what you deserve a goal bonus. I want to get you something what do you want."
I had in the past berated my wife...'ex' for her sister paying our super jock son (little d_r 1) everytime he scored a goal. "Jeeeeeeesus you can't DO that, little d_r 2 plays GOALKEEPER, how the FUCK is THAT fair??!"
"yes", she acquiesced, "I'll talk to her you're right it's not fair."
"What do you want, it was a great goal you deserve something" I continued.
"What can I have?"
"I don't know, you tell me what you want and I'll tell you if you can have it."
more silence...
"I guess I don't really want anything Dad."
<grimace/blink/chuffed uncertainty> "it was a great goal mate."
He sat next to me in the passenger seat, little eyelashes you could plait blinking, and he fidgeted for a bit.
"You want 10 bucks?" I asked.
"Okay."
We drove for a bit more, in silence. He sat up and stretched out his seatbelt, taking a swig from his tepid, grass and lime caked water bottle. "You know Dad, when they make Transformers 3 I hope Bumblebee can change colours."
"you bet."
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-08-07 01:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Diamondbacks brought a real-life Aussie up from the minors today. Hit a homer in his first big-league game. Funny name. Doesn't look like an abo. Here ya go. You can watch:
http://arizona.diamondbacks.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?mid=200908065959487&c_id=ari
<shrug>
My stress-dreams typically involve me pulling out my teeth. I don't know what that means either. I peed on our purple couch once.
<shrug>
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2009-08-07 01:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yo d, yes-- to answer your question. but, I have 3 broken ribs from jumping the lip on a wave, and you will never guess where we were surfing, no way, and not down there. im on so many pain pills i really cant see straight, which rules. and it hurts to even think about moving. In bed getting head, tho. Not at this moment, but you get the pic--take care bitch
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-08-04 16:27:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were a goat in a past life. Try to avoid eating furniture:)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-08-04 13:54:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
falling asleep on the couch? this is a habit of older men, you silly goose.
oh. right.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-08-03 19:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What a fascinating story.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-08-03 11:32:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 02:30:42 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The peeing dream is always worrying.
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As it begins, I'm someplace that's a little risky but not completely blowing it, like behind my truck in a parking lot before a concert. But by the time it ends, I'm in the main hall of my old high school with hundreds of kids on their way to class and I'm draining my lizard all over someone's wall locker and thinking, as long as the person whose wall locker this is doesn't come along before I'm done I'm okay. But it just seems to take forever and ever and I know that person will for sure be coming at any second and then I realize it's my own locker. But it's still not a total disaster as long as no one else watching figures that out.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-08-03 09:19:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats to your boy.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm sure what TuTs said was bang on...what with all the homosexual sex - it just makes sense.
I'm surprised you didn't pee the couch with a dream like that.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Freudien analysis: You havn't yet dicarded your oedipal conflict, Ducky is obviously a representation of your mother. Your inability to pee in front of other men is related to your childhood jealousy of your fathers penis. You also haven't exited the anal stage of development as you chose to have homosexual sex in your dream. In fact all gay men have failed to mature sexually and are all stuck in the anal stage of development.
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Interesting fact: All executives who joined a coroporation through a graduate programme are unable to urinate next to another man at a urinal. This distinction crosses international and age boundaries.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I've only ever had one dream in which I've orgasmed.
well a couple
okay four.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 08:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Some of my best orgasms have been while sleeping.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:57:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that makes no sense I had gay sex in a DIFFERENT dream not this one
okay a couple of different dreams
god DAMMIT - four.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-03 07:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Freudien analysis: You havn't yet dicarded your oedipal conflict, Ducky is obviously a representation of your mother. Your inability to pee in front of other men is related to your childhood jealousy of your fathers penis. You also haven't exited the anal stage of development as you chose to have homosexual sex in your dream. In fact all gay men have failed to mature sexually and are all stuck in the anal stage of development.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-08-03 05:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The peeing dream is always worrying.
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-08-03 00:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-02 05:30:41 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It means your mom has a small penis.
Bet you never saw that coming.
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God Dammit... That's what I was gonna say. Ah well. NOT FAST ENOUGH SPIDER MAN! You're fucking hilarious D_R.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2009-08-02 15:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dream AIDS are a real danger and the sooner we recognize them as such, the better.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-08-02 13:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU SAID ANAL.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-08-02 10:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
its about how you really really want sweaty man-love with a pack of bulgarian sailors.
i didnt even read the post, and i knew that.
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-02 08:37:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heaps of times
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-08-02 08:35:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no they don't i've CAUGHT dream aids
:(
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-02 08:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You silly monkey. When you catch dream AIDS, bullets bounce off you, sea creatures obey you, and you can fly! Also birds obey you.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-08-02 08:22:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dunno, but I do love some vivid dreams with sex in em.
If I had control over my dreams, I'd wear a condom every night. Not so much for cleanup, but more to keep away the Dream AIDS.
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2009-08-02 06:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-02 06:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-02 11:38:02 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
they really should have given that goalie some shorts
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yep. tequila, brandy and maybe a few apple sourz.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-02 06:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they really should have given that goalie some shorts
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-02 06:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ok.....
have you checked your prostrate recently?
other than that, I havn't a clue.
but what's new there.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-02 06:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously. I'll go back and read now.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-08-02 06:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It means your mom has a small penis.
Bet you never saw that coming.