SPT: Grandma Goes Before the Death Panel (585 hits)
Category: Politics -> RepublicansRating: 1 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2009-08-28 00:54:35 EDT
Grandma sat next to me in her wheelchair in the waiting room of the People's Health Underwriter's Company. As her youngest grandchild, my free time was considered less valuable than that of my older siblings and cousins, so they'd volunteered me to accompany her. We sat side by side in an austere roomful of grandparents and grandchildren, the oldsters coughing and wheezing in their wheelchairs and the youngsters swinging their feet impatiently from uncomfortable plastic chairs. A brightly colored poster drawn in an exaggerated facsimile of kindergarten creativity hung on the far wall. Up close, a combination of bold and fine print said something like, "People's Health Underwriter's Company: it's all about YOU!" From a distance, however, the fine print disappeared and the message said, "P H U C YOU!"
Beneath the poster, a receptionist behind a bulletproof glass window periodically called out names over a loudspeaker. With each announcement, a youngster would slide from his or her plastic chair and wheel Grandma or Grandpa up to the window. After checking the patient's identity card, the nurse would press a button that caused a heavy metal door to open with a loud buzzing sound. Grandparent and grandchild would then disappear into the corridor beyond, and the door would swing shut with a sharp, metallic clack.
When it was our turn, the receptionist told us to follow the black line to room number thirteen. "Eh?" said Grandma. "Did she say thirteen? Thirteen?" She still believed in superstitious nonsense like unlucky numbers and broken mirrors and God. Feeling a little embarrassed for her, I whispered, "Shut up, Grandma," as I wheeled her through the doorway. We followed the black line down a long corridor, her wheelchair squeak-squeak-squeaking loudly off the bare walls.
A burly security guard with a black assault rifle slung over his shoulder stood waiting for us outside door number thirteen. He waved a magnetic wand all over me and felt Grandma up to make sure we didn't have any weapons.
"Ooh," said Grandma. "I haven't been touched like that since I lost your Grandfather."
Then the guard opened door number thirteen and I wheeled Grandma inside. Two woman and a man, all dressed in black robes, sat gazing down at us from behind an imposing, elevated table. There was no place for me to sit down, so I stood behind Grandma. The woman sitting in the center said in a stern voice, "Mrs. Anguish?" I assumed she was their leader.
Grandma craned her neck and whispered back to me, "Who's there?"
"A lady in a black robe," I whispered. "And another lady. And a man, too."
"Ahem," said Leader Lady. "Is there a problem?"
"I can't see too well any more," said Grandma. "My cataracts, you know. That's why I'm here. I need an operation..."
"Are you Mrs. Anguish?" interrupted Leader Lady, sounding annoyed.
"Yes," said Grandma, squinting up at her.
Leader Lady raised a big hammer and banged it once on the table. "This panel is now in session," she said. "What is your date of birth, Mrs. Anguish?"
"October 16th, 1967. I'm 63 years old."
"And why is a woman of only 63 years of age in a wheelchair?"
"It's my diabetes, Ma'am. I've a terrible pain in my leg now. They've even said I might lose it."
Leader Lady leaned to her right and whispered back and forth to the man. She leaned to her left and did the same with the woman. All this talk was boring, and plus I had to go to the bathroom, so I started squirming a little. All three panelists stared at me. "Do you have a problem, young man?" said Leader Lady.
"No Ma'am."
"What is your relationship to Mrs. Anguish?"
"She's my grandma."
"I see. Is she a good grandma?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"Why?"
"She buys me presents."
"Oh, she does, does she?"
"Yes Ma'am."
"And why does she buy you presents?"
"As a reward for going to church."
All three of them gasped and I wished I hadn't said that. We learned in school that church is mainly a meeting place for murderers and terrorists, and I didn't want them to think I didn't pay attention in class.
"What do they teach you in church?" said the man.
"Um," I said. I wasn't really sure what they taught in church because it was so boring I never paid attention. I shrugged. "I don't know?"
"Och," said Grandma.
"What are you taught about religion in school, young man?" said the man panelist.
"Never mind," said Leader Lady. "That's irrelevant to an end of life counseling session."
"What?" said Grandma. "What's this about end of life counseling? I thought I was here to have my request for cataract surgery approved."
"Cataract surgery?" said the other woman. "Do you know how much cataract surgery costs the taxpayers, Mrs. Anguish?"
"Why, no Ma'am. I hadn't thought about that. I just want to see again."
"Mrs. Anguish," said the man panelist. "How much longer do you expect to live?"
"Well, the Lord willing, a long time!"
"That hardly seems likely," said the other woman. "Given your diabetes and kidneys and other health issues. According to our statistics, you have less than a 50 percent chance of surviving another five years. Do you expect the taxpayers to pay for your surgery just so you can see for another few years?"
"You're a selfish woman, Mrs. Anguish," said the man panelist.
Leader Lady banged the table with her hammer. "Request denied!" she said.
"Now then," said the man panelist. "Have you thought about what your quality of life will be like over the next few years, until you die?
"Well, I was hoping to see my first great-grandson. He's due in another six months, you know."
"See him?" said the man. "Through those cataracts of yours?"
"But that's why I'm here! To have my eye surgery approved so I will be able to see him. I want to be right there in the delivery room..."
"Mrs. Anguish," interrupted Leader Lady. "Your request for surgery has already been denied. D-E-N-I-E-D: denied. Do you understand that?"
"No, Ma'am, I don't understand! Why has it been denied?"
"Because," said the other lady. "Given your life expectancy and other health issues, the cost of surgery doesn't justify the marginal increase in your quality of life. That money is better spent elsewhere. You'd understand if you weren't so selfish."
"You're a very selfish woman, Mrs. Anguish," said the man. He looked at me. "Isn't she selfish, young man?"
"I have to go to the bathroom," I said.
"If your grandmother had any sense of decency she'd volunteer to be put to sleep, wouldn't she?" he said.
"Do you have any idea how much it's costing the taxpayers to keep her alive?" said the other lady, holding up a sheaf of papers. "Between her diabetes and dialysis and all the rest of it? She should have taken better care of herself."
"Maybe you should talk some sense into your grandmother," said the man.
"But Mister, I have to go to the..."
"No buts. You can go to the bathroom when we're finished."
"Grandma," I whispered. "Can you pleeeeease just say 'okay' before I pee my pants?"
"My God," said Grandma. "I can't believe this is happening. I voted for President Obama all five times, you know. He said there wouldn't be death panels."
"This is not a death panel," said Leader Lady. "It's an end of life counseling session. We're counseling you to end your life. You're a burden to the State."
"I suppose next you'll be in here asking for a kidney transplant or an operation to amputate your gangrenous leg," said the other lady. "How much do you think that will cost? You're a regular black hole for the taxpayer's money."
"Do the right thing, Mrs. Anguish," said the man, holding up a document on a clipboard with a pen. "Sign this and all your troubles will be over. Come here, young man," he said to me. "Be a good boy and take this to your grandmother so she can sign."
The security guard gave me a shove and I walked up and got the clipboard and took it to Grandma. "Hurry up, Grandma," I said, holding in my pee as hard as I could.
I thought she was going to make a scene, but to my relief she just sniffled and signed. I gave the clipboard back to the man. Everyone clapped and said what a good boy I was and what a generous, civic-minded woman Grandma was, not selfish at all like they'd first thought. Then the guard wheeled her out a different door than the one we'd come in. "Goodbye, Nana," I said.
That was the last I ever saw her. Later, they sent us a token sample of her remains, which had been ground up. We fed her to our dog, Fluffy, in order to complete the Cycle of Life. Fluffy took a dump in Mom's garden, and next Spring the most beautiful petunias you could ever imagine grew right in that spot.
User Reviews
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2009-09-01 21:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhh, now this I like. Caustic, dark sarcasm amuses me.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2009-08-31 19:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-08-30 20:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2009-08-30 16:17:55 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, this captures universal health care to the last detail. I take it you've been to one of our Canadian death hearings?
--------
The filename was supposed to be for your benefit, you poor, sarcasm-challenged bastard.
--------
My mistake, I almost never check the filename, so here we are. Maybe you thought this was so over the top as to be obviously satirical, but take it from an outside observer: it's not. Some of you people really talk like this.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-08-31 18:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
~OBAMA APPROVED~
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-08-31 16:34:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i'll just take this as a piece of fiction and stay far the fuck away from the politics of it, thanks.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-08-30 23:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
despite the fact that obama and his "healthcare" plans DO need to be stopped, this was an entertaining well written post.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-08-30 20:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2009-08-30 16:17:55 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, this captures universal health care to the last detail. I take it you've been to one of our Canadian death hearings?
--------
The filename was supposed to be for your benefit, you poor, sarcasm-challenged bastard.
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2009-08-30 19:17:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow, this captures universal health care to the last detail. I take it you've been to one of our Canadian death hearings?
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-08-29 11:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just rofl'd in mah pants.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-08-28 13:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I say do 'em like Ol' Yeller got done...
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2009-08-28 13:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I propose Soylent Green.
It's waaaaay the fuck over due.
There are only so many parking spaces, people!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-08-28 08:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this. Kicks my post in the ass. Umm Heil hitler?
Submitted by Profane (user info) at 2009-08-28 08:31:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ndn27 (user info) at 2009-08-28 08:05:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this is just plain stupid.
Submitted by Obi-wan (user info) at 2009-08-28 07:19:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeh Universal Health Care is pure evil, I dunno why anyone would want the losers on the bottom rung to stay alive.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-08-28 04:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh republicans
*makes complicated hand gesture stolen from Berty*