Somebody it is, Sir. (1037 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.97 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by icarus (View user info) at 2009-09-09 14:25:08 EDT
"Hey! That's a sailboat isn'it?"
What?
No, surely I'd misheard. True, I hadn't expected much as the rented ski boat zipped across the lake, pissing off fishermen and almost capsizing a canoe. I expected even less as it made a bee-line towards us across a wide bay, and what hopes were practically dashed when it slowed at cable's length, letting its wake wash under our beam. Still, it's not as though he mistook a stay for a shroud; a ketch with a sloop; this unforgivable question, which I could not have heard correctly(after all there was the grinding of the io, the slightly less melodious boom of the boat's music***), crossed the border between peasant ignorance and partial brain death -- crossed it wearing neon lights and riding a unicycle. Surely no one would actually--
Starting from the spiked and frosted hairline gentling receding into his sloping forehead, I knew this cove was a douchebag. All other aspects; the sunburn that made him look like a crustacean; the designer sunglasses that made him look like a crustacean impersonating the Terminator; the olive drab cargo shorts; the douchie tats (gangster tweety bird on one hairless, saggy moob and the Chinese character for "undergarment" on his skinny arm*); simply fell into line like basswoods and poplars in a broad forest of douchieness.
Yet if anything confirmed his douchenozzle status, it was the peroxide blonde leather satchels reclining in the bow. Why, you were intended to ask yourself, would one douchebag require two females who had specifically been honey-roasted, dipped head-first in bleach, and vigorously painted? Were they sisters? Twins**? Whatever their relation, they were the brass and strings in his douche symphony.
"Hell-o!" One of the satchels called.
"What?" I shouted, not quite convinced I had heard something that stupid. Surely with the music and the engine going --
"A sailboat!" He jabbed a manicured finger in the direction of my beam. "It IS a sailboat, isn'it?"
"Wow!" I shouted. "How did you smoke it?"
It was his turn to blink. Even before it had been introduced to half the trendy contents fo the european beer can in his cupholder, douchie's brain was not what you would call a quad core. No, it was a P3 hampered by animated cursors and a load of digital STD's that in this analogy represent generaly douchie thoughts and instincts. Like the io, it had to churn for a moment. "Muh?" he finally managed.
"Your powers of deductive reasoning," I said, "astound me. How did you come to divine that this was in fact a sailboat and not, say, a coach and four or a dogcart?"
There was a pause as the portside satchel whispered something helpful. "Er, the sail." He said, nodding. "The big one. And the one in front."
"Yes," I said. "It has sails and floats. This would make it a sailboat." I was hoping at this juncture that the douchie's curiosity would be satisfied, that I would hear the engine rev and the thumping bass fade. Alas it did not.
"Does it go very fast?" One of the satchels asked.
"Fucking hell, if you're going to sit here asking dumb questions, could you at least turn that horseshit down?"
"Geez, sorry!" The guy said, dropping the volume to a somewhat less obnoxious level.
"Does it go fast?" The daft woman repeated, her voice a nasally trill above the engine.
"It's a displacement hull." I said, "It does not get up on a plane. Maximum speed is around seven knots."
"How fast is that?" The guy asked.
"Let's see," I said. "Seven knots would be around seven knots."
"Yes, but how fast to get around the lake? All I know about boats I learned in like ten minutes from the guy in the boathouse."
Fucking figures.
"You could get fully around the lake in around nine hours. And not pay a cent provided weekenders in rented boats know that sailboats get right of way and keep from scratching up your paintwork." My wife was already shoving them off with the boathook.
"What is this dude's fucking malfunction?" The guy griped, easing it into reverse as we crossed his bows.
"Where did you rent it?" The other satchel asked. "Did you rent it at the marina?"
"We own it," I said. "We dock it at the marina."
"Do you work at the marina?" #1 asked.
"Could we rent it from you?"
"Do you work at the office?'
"Do you watch The Office?"
"Nice dog!"
"I like Andy!"
"I have money," Douchie said, waving his money as though:
A. I didn't understand the broader concept of theoretically gold-backed currency.
B. Waving an oversized paperclip jammed full of crinkled $1 and $5 bills would somehow commence a wave of comprehension.
"Hi puppy! What kind of dog is that?"
Not turning, I tipped my head towards my intern, Lieutenant Ginger****. "Are those starboard guns loaded, Ms Ginger?"
"Treble-shotted with canister, sir." She replied.
"Capital. Pass the word, then. Out tompions. Full broadside. Sweep the entire vessel, but be sure to get the blonde one."
"They're both blonde, sir."
"The blonde one that's talking just now."
"Er, they're both talking, sir."
"Well, I'd like somebody dead before tea."
"Somebody it is, sir," She said, bringing a knuckle to her forehead.
On deck, the gun ports were opened and the gun crews slowly creaked the smashers forward. Down below, the satchels' nasely whine provided a melodic undertone to the drone of the engine, while the man was now flashing what he assumed to be gang signs in an attempt to achieve some manner of semaphoric communication. This was suddenly blotted from my site by the crash and rolling smoke from my #4 starboard carronade, followed in a rolling broadside by #'s 3, 2, and 1.
My crew of teenage IT interns cheered the roiling cloud, a clatter broken by screaming on board the vessel. If you can conjure the image of one of those styrofoam containers that they use transport blood and organs being hit by a bus, you can probably imagine what that flimsy little vessel looked like after 480 odd pounds of assorted metals chewed through it. Douchie was slumped over at the helm, arm missing; frosted hair, designer sunglasses, and tweety tat plowed into a single, splorting orifice. Satchel #2 had been torn in what could crudely be described as half, one of which had gone overboard with the enormous aluminum cage-like structure that held their boogie boards and subwoofers.
It was satchel #1 -- in tact, save for a few meatball-sized chunks torn from her arm and torso-- who was coming it the soprano.
"I don't suppose there's any way we could take it at this point." I speculated, nibbling on a scone.
Ginger, leaning over the rails, shook her head sadly. "Don't either the people or ship in that state, sir," she said. "Not even in Singapore."
"Well then," I said, doing my utmost to enjoy my sugared coffe as the satchel's screeching reached an almost inhuman pitch, "best to have another go with the carronades."
"Yes, Sir."
"And Ginger?"
"Sir?"
"Load them with crushed glass this time."
"Glass it is, Sir."
* The guy at the shop probably told him it meant "strength" or "wisdom" or "sex god", and being a monoglot douche he never thought to actually check it out.
** Given enough bleach, UV, and anorexia just about anyone could look alike.
*** I use that term in its loosest context.
**** We actually had her change her first name to Lieutenant so her W4's would look right.
User Reviews
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-12 13:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What is this, the eighteen hundreds? The internet is more than Ubershite. A whole wide world full of furries, orcs, social networking and other things blasphemously obese socially retarded shut-ins like yourself find fruitful. Give that typing wand a workout!
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-09-11 21:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, you should probably look it up in a dictionary.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-11 20:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-09-11 20:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't you get bored posting the same basic insult over and over?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-09-11 20:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't you get bored posting the same basic insult over and over?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You need to google "irony", tubby.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-11 20:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
spam, why don't you die and shut up?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-09-11 20:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't you get bored posting the same basic insult over and over?
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2009-09-11 15:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://gabbly.com/www.ubersite.com
it's friday, fuckers. Time to waste company time talking to uber peoples.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-11 14:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Is there a glut of geriatrics or something? Ethnic cleansing in Darfur? $5 to bump him up the list.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-11 11:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hmmmm, I don't see his name on the list.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-11 11:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go into the light, old man.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-09-11 10:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-11 08:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know you're trying to go with the whole "I just rolled out of bed with this insult" sort of thing, but your attempt at a response is fence-sitting between gen-x lack of effort and partial lobotomy.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-09-11 01:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Don't you get bored posting the same basic story over and over?
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dervel, you know that makes you a pussy, quitting is for quitters.
comics....you are reading comics?? what are you a pre pubescent teenager?
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It gets worse. I've been reading Berty recommended web-comics. WEEPS!
I knew I shouldn't of quit smoking.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:14:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can anyone hear that??
*nnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdddddddddddd alert*
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, I knew it was the royal docklands by the building and thought it might be Victory by the colour, then I thought it was a breach loader. Which would be Warrior. Meh.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:07:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is the Victory :( Sorry to be so cliche.
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-09-10 08:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:15:15 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that's HMS Warrior. And I'm pretty sure I'm a nerd.
-----------------------
sorry to burst your 'nerd' bubble but that looks like HMS Victory in Portsmouth dockyard.
HMS Warrior is on the sea front where as Victory is round the back of the dockyard.
Submitted by LoooseSprocket (user info) at 2009-09-10 08:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Look, I have 3/5 of a vote! Gold ahoy!
Submitted by Awesome (user info) at 2009-09-10 08:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-09-10 05:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm pretty sure that's HMS Warrior. And I'm pretty sure I'm a nerd.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-10 03:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss summer.
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-09-10 00:47:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would like one of those throw pillows please.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-09 21:17:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2009-09-09 21:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
while canister shot is all fine and good, the extreme violence of chain-shot would have been far more appropriate in this case.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While I would agree that chain or bar are both wonderful tools of mutilation, our purported goal was to take the skiboat and sell it and any survivors on Craigslist. Unfortunately, the shitty fiberglass hull could not withstand even one full broadside.
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-09 21:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-09 14:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That would be a wonderful jibe, Doodles. You would truly have me by the lee if I'd not used the word "theoretically".
*****
Doodles doesn't care about what's written. He will slime his way into a shitty review simply because he is a brainless troll. He needs to die.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2009-09-09 21:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
while canister shot is all fine and good, the extreme violence of chain-shot would have been far more appropriate in this case.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-09 19:17:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-09-09 19:07:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaahahahaha, you're such an asshole. Love it.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-09-09 17:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This little ditty is a fucking gem.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2009-09-09 16:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this made me want to pork a mute! then again, what doesn't these days..?
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-09-09 16:28:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-09 16:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Watch it, sonny Jim.
Sure my joints may creak, I appreciate fiber, and I gum my food and my men, but grandma I ain't.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-09 16:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm SO stitching that on a throw pillow!
------------------------------------
Grandma???
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'd like somebody dead before tea."
I'm SO stitching that on a throw pillow!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol u think usd is backed by glod lol
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Keep backpedaling, Doofles, and garnering heat. I'm glad you read almost to the end. :)
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:19:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Proof read!
But I liked it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:12:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
it's funny that the usd hasn't been backed by gold in my lifetime, or probably yours.
not even in theory. :(
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fire when ready, Gridley!"
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't rule suicide out, Doofles.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-09-09 15:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol i bet ur still trying to get 1/35th an oz. of gold per dollar lol
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-09 14:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That would be a wonderful jibe, Doodles. You would truly have me by the lee if I'd not used the word "theoretically".
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-09-09 14:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol you think our dollars are backed by gold lol
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-09 14:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brought tears to my eyes it did!