SPT: Mars is Full of Weeds; Venus is Covered in Wilting Flowers (NSFW) (1015 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.2 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by X54 (View user info) at 2009-09-10 10:36:18 EDT
My ex-girlfriend, C, used to get into these weird, self-depracating moods sometimes. I was never quite sure whether she was just fishing for compliments or if she really thought that way about herself. She'd make lasagna, for instance, and then say, "I'm an awful cook, aren't I."
"What are you talking about?" I'd say. "This is really good." Which was true. She used to put sausage in it. Then again, food always tastes good when you're hungry. Just like pussy always tastes good when you first meet a girl: "No, seriously, I love that smell. Mmmm!"
"Are you sure? You're not just saying that to make me feel good?"
"No, it's really delicious. Why don't you try some and see for yourself?"
"I can't eat pasta. I'm on a diet. I'm too fat."
She used to get into these moods periodically and after a while it got very annoying. I figured it was just her way of getting attention, so I tried to persuade her to say positive things about herself, instead. I thought if I provided positive reinforcement whenever she said something complimentary about herself I could break her of her habit. But she couldn't keep it up. Probably it didn't have the same effect on me. I tend to be oblivious of other people's emotional states. I generally miss the early warning signs. Then the meltdown takes me by surprise.
After a while I started tuning out C's self-depracating remarks. I think I may have accidentally agreed with her once in a while. Then she'd wilt and the waterworks would come on full force and I'd have to stop whatever I was doing and spend a bunch of time cheering her up.
I'm completely the opposite way. If I do have any faults, which is unlikely, I'm incapable of recognizing them. Whenever I speak in a self-depracating manner, I'm only being sarcastic. Even the most sincere insults come across to me as friendly jests or joking confessions of admiration. I thrive on being cut down.
Actual compliments, on the other hand, make me queasy. They have the same effect on me as babies or chick flicks. Yech. And if anyone ever shows the slightest interest in my emotional well being I change the subject. I don't need that kind of touchy-feely support.
To make a long story short, I was servicing my yellow-jacket traps one morning when I realized the cheap, canned catfood I was using for bait smelled exactly like C's pussy. And that's when I made up my mind to kick her out.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-09-11 12:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why was this labelled NSFW?
PS: "deprecating". Haha, beat iddqd to it.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-09-11 02:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i'd swab my junk with a wedge of lemon and ruin that fish
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-09-11 01:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-09-10 21:59:36 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ugh - that vagina is grossing me out, little wonder I swapped for the cock. And regina's right I was with this guy a couple of weeks ago and his butt hair was so matted with his last night's dinner it looked like pygmies had built an entire village of manure and grass huts on two, perfectly made in god's own image of his own butt hills. It was disgusting but I was gagging for some pole so I just closed my eyes and dreamt of his hot load shooting over my tonsils like so much custard sliding over the sides of a parched but right up for it christmas pudding.
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I WON'T HAVE THIS SORT OF FILTH ON MY POSTS!
(Those huts were funny as hell, though.)
Submitted by Danger_Ranger (user info) at 2009-09-11 00:59:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ugh - that vagina is grossing me out, little wonder I swapped for the cock. And regina's right I was with this guy a couple of weeks ago and his butt hair was so matted with his last night's dinner it looked like pygmies had built an entire village of manure and grass huts on two, perfectly made in god's own image of his own butt hills. It was disgusting but I was gagging for some pole so I just closed my eyes and dreamt of his hot load shooting over my tonsils like so much custard sliding over the sides of a parched but right up for it christmas pudding.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-10 22:04:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that little fishy eye is staring at me.
Submitted by reginajacks (user info) at 2009-09-10 15:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you try going down on a dude who doesn't know how to properly wash. sweaty balls and improper wiping technique = nasty mash (male gash). they call it a gag reflex for a reason.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:13:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, that's why you should make her drink pineapple juice!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if i send some flowers would it help?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH REALLY?
i'm sorry i called you a bitch. that could have been hurtful to you, and i am trying to be mindful of other's emotional states. must help maintain a balance of happiness in the world.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
because i use to be called emilyimpossible
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so why are YOU contributing, bitch?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
scourge, we are talking about ladies, only those with experience may contribute
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
yeah, some girls may be a bit more aromatic, but if she smelled like chicken livers or whatever the fuck they put in canned catfood, she was needing some help.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 23:26:40 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
shut up tuts you big fat loser
:)
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Ohh I so am tonight too. :(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:26:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shut up tuts you big fat loser
:)
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:25:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh quick, somebody pay attention to EI before he has a tantrum and dies.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:21:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCK YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tuts, I think that might be a Photoshop. Gotta be. The alternative is just too skanky.
But hahahaha @ fishing line.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-09-10 23:02:29 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-10 07:59:33 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a weirder note I couldn't stop staring at that fishy vagina.
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Yeah. What sort of girl gets a tattoo like that? At least she didn't pierce it.
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Omg no a hook and some fishing line would complete that picture.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i apologise for my disgusting remark
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not that X54. I just get paranoid about people lying. If I can quickly determine they don't want anything from me, then I believe their compliment. If somebody wants something from me and blows smoke up my ass to get it, I tend to become aloof.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-09-10 11:02:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-10 07:59:33 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a weirder note I couldn't stop staring at that fishy vagina.
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Yeah. What sort of girl gets a tattoo like that? At least she didn't pierce it.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also hate compliments. I keep waiting for them to say haha we are just joking you're shit.....
On a weirder note I couldn't stop staring at that fishy vagina.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-10 07:47:14 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm suspicious of compliments. I always suspect people are lying to me.
Them: "Did you make that? That's pretty good."
Me: "Yeah right."
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It's hard to say which I find more annoying: people who think too poorly of themselves and always need reassuring, or people who think they're the center of the universe and are always going on about themselves. Better to just take the compliment at face value.
And some girls are just naturally more aromatic than others. I don't think C needed a doctor.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fgs pussy smells of chicken chow mein
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-10 10:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I do some of the stuff you described but then again, I'm a perfectionist. If my hair doesn't do what I want it to do, I'll mumble 'I have the worst hair on this planet' or if a project doesn't go exactly as planned, I tend to think the whole thing was a failure even though it might not have been.
I'm suspicious of compliments. I always suspect people are lying to me.
Them: "Did you make that? That's pretty good."
Me: "Yeah right."
If her vagina smelled like cat food, she needs to see her doctor.