Hollywood Production Monkeys and the Temple of Morons 3: This Time it's Even More Personal (914 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.4 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by TToM: Sparta Kicking Michael Bay since '03 (View user info) at 2009-09-10 13:35:20 EDT
You know, I used to quite happily go along to movies, switch off my thought-meat and happily drool along mindlessly to whatever explosion/shoot out/car chase/barely justified nude scene happened to be on the big sheet at the front at the time.
I went, for example, of my own free will to see Galaxy Quest for fucks sake. That said, it did take me two goes to see that since I ended up walking into the wrong screen and saw Man on the Moon by mistake instead. I began to wonder who thought a 20 minute trailer for a movie was a good idea before it sunk in that I was in fact watching said movie.
OK for the most part that's a lie. I have in the past watched some real fucking dross at das kino, Rob Zombie still owes me £4.50 for House of 1000 Corpses, but mostly I do pick and choose what I go an see....though saying that I did see Spiderman 3. I kind of wanted to punch Kirsten Dunst in the face anyway but watching Toby Macquire with "that" hair mincing down the street just made me want to atomic drop the bitch into oblivion.
I know that makes no logical sense but she just makes me want to fucking puke.
Also, don't get me started on the whole "Venom just happens to drop onto the cities only superhero totally randomly" thing. Fucking balls. And Wolverine?! Oh sweet zombie Jesus! What a dose of the shits that was.
It doesn't help when recently I've been going to see some of the classic films that the local cinema has been showing on Tuesday nights. The modern tat we get spoon fed just does not stand up to films like Spartacus or Scarface.
Recently, Hollywood has really made me quite angry indeed. Yes, even more so than when I heard that they had changed the ending to Watchmen. (One of the few movies I've enjoyed in the last few years bizarrely)
Not only have we had to contend with sequel after sequel after "goddamn Michael fucking Bay again?!" sequel, we've also had to contend with Michael Bay, Twilight, Michael Bay, Scarlet Johanson NOT getting her rack out for a barely justified reason, hacks tearing apart beloved books and characters, Michael Bay and, of course, Michael Bay.
Fuck Michael Bay.
The thing that annoys me most about all of these things, other than Michael "Can I justify another explosion? No? Well Fuck it anyway" Bay is when some Hollywood scriptwriter, or just as likely some producer, decides that they can improve upon some other, probably already celebrated and far more talented, writers work.
Take, for example, the upcoming Dorian Gray. You would think that maybe, just maybe, Oscar Wilde knew what he was doing when he wrote said novel. I mean the man was a playwright, I think maybe he knew a thing or two about writing.
Not according to the writers of the new film based on it, since they've seen fit to add some new characters.
Producer: Listen, this Dorian Gray. I don't see it gelling well with our key demographics.
Writer: Morons?
P: Exactly.
W: Well, how about we add in some characters then?
P: Yes, that's a good start but how about we change his name to something less faggy. Dorian Gay more like, know what I'm saying?
W: OK, something more manly then. How about Jack Bicep?
P: Perfect. Lets think location. I'm thinking modern day Seattle.
W: Sure sure. And I can't see this whole "painting as his soul thing" Why don't we make him a hard on his luck cop who is tracking down the Mona Lisa that's been stolen by the Chinese Triad.
P: Fantastic. Throw in a whacky sidekick for good measure.
W: Chris Tucker?
P: You know it.
You get the picture.
What makes it worse is that this dross has been made by a British company so I can't even blame it on you accursed colonials. The fact is however that the Director/producer team up on this film also produced St Trinian's.
Says it all really. Pricks.
Another upcoming film to earn my ire is "Creation" which claims to tell the true story of Charles Darwin's revelations about evolution.
Except that it doesn't.
Read the following blurb and tell me what's wrong with it.
"Directed by Jon Amiel (Entrapment, Copycat, Sommersby, The Core,) from a screenplay by John Collee (Master and the Commander: The Far Side of the World, Happy Feet), CREATION is the powerful and true-life tale of Charles Darwin and the most explosive idea in history.
A world-renowned scientist, and a dedicated family man struggling to accept his daughter's death, Darwin is torn between his love for his deeply religious wife and his own growing belief in a world where God has no place. He finds himself caught in a battle between faith and reason, love and truth. This is the extraordinary story of Charles Darwin and how his master-work "The Origin of Species" came to light. It tells of a global revolution played out in the confines of a small English village; a passionate marriage torn apart by the most provocative idea in history - evolution; and a theory saved from extinction by the logic of a child."
Having read a number of biographies about Darwin I can quite safely tell you that at no point was he "torn between his love for his deeply religious wife and his own growing belief in a world where God has no place". By all accounts he was a pretty good husband and kept his own slowly dying faith from interfering with his relationships.
A global revolution? Perhaps. But not one that came to full light until long after he was dead. There were a few arguments about it at the time but for the most part Darwin and his equally important but oft overlooked contemporary, Wallace, were mostly just ignored.
From the director of The Core and the writer of Happy Feet so this films scientific credentials are nailed down right from the off!
Also, it's called "Creation" for fucks sake! They might as well have called it "It's Only a Theory" and be fucking done with it.
I just can't see how this can be made into a film. The man sat on his "masterwork" for nearly a decade while he catalogued barnacles for fucks sake. He only worked on it now and then and only published it because one of his mates told him Wallace was about to steal his thunder.
The absolute worst thing about this movie however is not that it has been made and that there are going to be so many factual errors, it's that 99% of the people who go and see it will take it as gospel. They won't bother to try and find out the truth, they'll just accept it.
Moron 1: Hey, I went to see that there "Creation" last night.
Moron 2: Any good?
M1: That there Chuck Darwin kicks ass! Did you know that he single handily sailed round the world with only a beagle as his companion and that some douche named Wallace tried to kill him but killed the woman he loved instead so he Darwin has this huge training montage with Jason Statham and then they hunt him down and kick his ass in a forty minute running gun battle with explosions and all sorts of shit?!
M2: For reals?
1:M Word
District 9 was full of fucking plot holes too. Pretty enjoyable if you can ignore them though.
Fuck it, "The Thing" is on next Tuesday and I have "The Killer" on order from Play, at least I can still watch decent films made years ago.
Peace, out
User Reviews
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-09-14 15:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-09-13 13:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently they're having problems finding a distributor for Creation in the U.S.
Is the power base of your religious conservatives REALLY that fucking strong?! Seems crazy to me like.
I recently watched a film called One Day Removals (Made in Aberdeen of all places, mon the Dons) where one of the characters calls god a cunt, so I imagine that none of you colonials will ever see that either.
-------------
they may just fear another "passion" except in the opposite direction.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-09-14 10:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-09-13 15:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-09-13 13:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently they're having problems finding a distributor for Creation in the U.S.
Is the power base of your religious conservatives REALLY that fucking strong?! Seems crazy to me like.
I recently watched a film called One Day Removals (Made in Aberdeen of all places, mon the Dons) where one of the characters calls god a cunt, so I imagine that none of you colonials will ever see that either.
---------------------------------------------
Yes, unfortunately the religious "right" and "moral majority" really are that powerful in America. They are also convinced that they are actively being persecuted by Obama, and that evolution is "only a theory".
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-09-13 13:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Apparently they're having problems finding a distributor for Creation in the U.S.
Is the power base of your religious conservatives REALLY that fucking strong?! Seems crazy to me like.
I recently watched a film called One Day Removals (Made in Aberdeen of all places, mon the Dons) where one of the characters calls god a cunt, so I imagine that none of you colonials will ever see that either.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-09-12 09:03:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moron 1: Hey, I went to see that there "Creation" last night.
Moron 2: Any good?
M1: That there Chuck Darwin kicks ass! Did you know that he single handily sailed round the world with only a beagle as his companion and that some douche named Wallace tried to kill him but killed the woman he loved instead so he Darwin has this huge training montage with Jason Statham and then they hunt him down and kick his ass in a forty minute running gun battle with explosions and all sorts of shit?!
M2: For reals?
1:M Word
--------------------------------------
I think I'd go see this movie, especially if the Cohen Brothers made it.
I really liked District 9. Granted there were plot holes, and the story device has been used in every 3rd movie Hollywood puts out, but it was still a great watch.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-09-11 17:27:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mel Gibson: You want me to replace the villain with a dog? I mean nobody
will know what's going on.
Homer: They will if you set up that the dog is evil. All you do is
have to show him doing this. [lowers eyelids and glances
around in shifty-eyed fashion] The people will suspect the dog.
--The Simpsons, "Beyond Blunderdome"
Submitted by GroundHorse (user info) at 2009-09-11 16:27:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
red sauce on pasta : http://www.ubersite.com/m/115934#2684735
Submitted by willartstorg (user info) at 2009-09-11 14:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
most modern movies are indeed shit.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-09-11 12:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i can't even remember the last movie i saw in a theater. The Thing is fucking awesome though. I mean the classic one has a great premise but it also has one of the few remakes that equally improved on it just because of the advancements in effects. it is properly scary, like not even to just seven year olds. i heard good things about ponyo but i assume since it's miyazaki there's also some eco message that's a part of it.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2009-09-11 07:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really liked District Nine and Inglorious Basterds.
but yeah most movies are shit.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-09-11 06:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked Watchmen, the other film I liked lately was haha you know what I can't even think of one. I will get back to you.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-11 06:45:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-09-10 22:04:41 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest two seconds in "The Big Lebowski": The look on Hoffman's face after Bunny offers the Dude a blow job.
======
That was a great moment.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-11 03:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
look joey, no one wants to hear about swindon sluts volume 98
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-09-11 02:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like films with porn in.
But it has to be classy. Heroin hooked cum dumps with eyes like dead fish spoil the party, and definitely no skid stains in the undies.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-09-11 01:57:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-09-10 23:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funniest two seconds in "The Big Lebowski": The look on Hoffman's face after Bunny offers the Dude a blow job.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-10 22:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-09-10 22:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you like long, slow, tedious character studies like I do, "The Assassination of Jessie James by the Coward Robert Ford" is excellent. Best movie I've seen this year.
_________________________________
... and you've gotta give somebody the credit for having the audacity to actually name the film something that long. Anymore Hollywood shortens everything - MIB, ID4, MI:3, and such. I suppose there are a number of Oscar winning films that are probably quite good, but so often they're just overly dramatic studies of... well, nothing. For instance, I had been excited to watch Philip Seymore Hoffman in "Capote," thinking it was a biopic; it was just an incredibly dull account of the period surrounding his writing of the book 'In Cold Blood.' Sure, Hoffman did awesome, but the actual movie was terrible.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-09-10 22:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you like long, slow, tedious character studies like I do, "The Assassination of Jessie James by the Coward Robert Ford" is excellent. Best movie I've seen this year.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-09-10 22:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually thought the movie ending of The Watchmen was a better ending than the graphic novel.
______________________________
Yep. And what IDDQD said below.
I'm trying to think of the last few DECENT new films I've seen...
"Shoot 'Em Up" - if looney tunes made an over-the-top action flick.
"Waitress" - a chick flick, but Andy Griffith plays a total bastard. fun!
"Smokin' Aces" - feds VS the mob VS hitmen = bloody good times.
...hmmm, shit. Everything else GOOD I've seen has been a foreign made film.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-09-10 20:34:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the film ending of the watchmen was vastly superior to the graphic novel ending. the device used in the end of the book was overly convoluted and just plain silly, and was a disappointment to the rest of the otherwise really frickin excellent book. they took the best ideas out of that ending and made it more 'plausible' (insomuch as you can have a story about a dude turned into god with inexplicable blue skin be plausible).
they shoulda left out bubastis in the film also.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-09-10 18:09:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Thing and The Killer should both be staples of anyone's collection, without a shadow of a doubt.
Also, fuck hollywood. For every one decent film that comes from the big studios there's a hundred pieces of shit that ruin it.
Also, if you haven't already seen, check these out for some proper classic action:
- Hard Boiled
- Invasion USA
- Cobra
- Punisher (original)
All awesome. The only recent films to come close are Rambo and Shoot 'em Up
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-10 16:11:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a movie that I'd love to see redone. Orwell's 1984. Not a lot of people know about the movie that was released, appropriately enough, in 1984.
Don't get me wrong, Richard Burton and John Hurt are both great actors and the 1984 movie version was fine. I just think it would be very interesting to see how a faithful adaptation would go over with audiences, especially these days!
I will say this though, the Brits would have to be the ones to do it. Orwell was theirs and Airstrip One is Britain.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-09-10 16:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The absolute worst thing about this movie however is not that it has been made and that there are going to be so many factual errors, it's that 99% of the people who go and see it will take it as gospel. They won't bother to try and find out the truth, they'll just accept it.
=====
And why not? After all, Braveheart and The Patriot were historically accurate.
I KID!!! I KID!!!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-09-10 15:56:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are credible versions of Dorian Gray out there. It's not the sort of film that requires a budget or cast, and it's MEANT to be kinda faggy -- it's Oscar Wilde. They've already fucked up The Scarlett Letter, so what the fuck is next? A modern-day kung fu version of Horatio Hornblower? A gangsta version of Moby Dick?
Hollywood needs to fucking die.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-09-10 15:31:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I learned a bit about Darwin from this.
Are you just now realizing that the American movie industry has been in a downward spiral for years? We have great eye candy, but the good writers are working elsewhere these days. Didn't they have a strike last year about the poor pay?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-09-10 15:03:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'The Rock' was pretty good. So was 'Bad Boys'. Everything he's been involved with since can pretty much fuck off though.
Having said that, it seems like you're pretty good at telling when a movie is going to irritate you. Just avoid it and watch Die Hard instead. Takes the stress out of living.
Submitted by reginajacks (user info) at 2009-09-10 15:02:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if darwin's home life was free of conflict it wouldn't be very interesting to watch. agree about bay, but that's an old argument, dude.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Creation; starring Chuck Norris as Charles Darwin.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Producer: But if the Darwin idea thingy happened overnight, and if it was some kind of bizarro mind-energy released by Darwin that swept around the globe in a CGI wave of white light that fried the ignorant and made the heads of religious zealots, like, freakin explode, that would be a show-stopper. Toss that into the script and I'll get on the phone to ILM!
Do you mean Carpenter's The Thing, from 1980 or so?
-What is that?
-I don't know, but it's weird and pissed off!
Submitted by GaidinCanuck (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:35:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I actually thought the movie ending of The Watchmen was a better ending than the graphic novel.
Other than that, ya... I agree.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can someone please tell me if hotmail is fucked
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truth. I haven't been in a theatre since, hell I can't even remember. This is why I mostly watch foreign films.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-09-10 14:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Your rating is too high, let's give you a proper handicap, and see how quickly your lapdogs can pump you up.