Corporate American Psycho (638 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.21 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ENV3NOM (View user info) at 2009-11-05 11:28:54 EST
As posted on Facebook, 11/5/09
I do absolutely nothing for a living
I'm sure some of you hate me already
But I urge you to reconsider
For I am just the messenger and I bring with me the secrets of the universe
It's honestly not my fault
I have a job at which I've been doing progressively less for months
Like a child attempting to inch around the corner, just out of their parent's sight
Poking and prodding at invisible boundaries
Slowly arriving at the revelation that, like many things in life, the only ceilings to be found are the ones we place on ourselves
And now I've finally arrived at the end of the internet
A crossroads in cyberspace
What began as a case study on the effects of insubordinate behavior in the corporate workplace
Has resulted in the questioning of my own existence
As it seems I only exist as payroll nomenclature
For here I sit, on Facebook, blatantly wasting precious company time and resources
Providing an endless electronic paper trail of procrastination
And yet my shouts fall on deaf ears
So this is my middle finger to "the man"
Offered to the point of hyper-extension
In a state of "at will" employment
I am the negating published plan of progressive disciplinary action
I am the fly in the ointment
And yes, in a given week I may only do 15 minutes of real, actual work
But that doesn't make me any less of a person
It just makes me efficient
They say the tyrant dies and his reign ends. The martyr dies and his reign begins.
Well I'm ready for my crown
I'm ready to make a difference
I'm ready to speak for the man who can't muster the words
I am Peter Gibbons
I am Tyler Durden
I am Jack's obstinate disregard for the rules
And I am perfectly aware that the recent trend of employers is to terminate employees over things posted on social networking sites
But I am a poet, and thus am granted poetic license
A term I find synonymous with "wrongful termination"
So please, I beg of thee
Grant me the ammunition needed
So that I may utter the three most beautiful words in the English language:
Class Action Lawsuit
For I know I'm not the only one tired of being treated like a number on God's master spreadsheet
An endless series of zeroes and ones
A value in a cell to be filtered and sorted beyond contortion
I'm ready to flip the script on your extortion
Society's tests biased like the "stork stand."
Perhaps not culturally, but biased against anyone who's ever set foot in a bar
Or suffered from vertigo
I'm fighting for the little guy
No, not Webster, but I'm fighting for him too
I'm ready to lead by example
Yet despite my fervent attempts I can't seem to get them to make an example out of me
I've tried everything I can possibly think of to get fired
I threatened to report them to media and regulatory agencies simply because I didn't like my parking spot
Only to have them send a security guard to shuttle me back and forth so I wouldn't have to walk
And yet I do not find this to be a satisfactory resolution
So I have issued my list of demands
Steadily leading them towards the realization that I can just as easily "not work" from home; My ultimate goal
I've always wanted to "not work" from home
After all, what better place to "not work" from?
Except perhaps the beach
I could see myself "not working" from the beach
If only they were to upgrade their internet
And enhance their wireless signal
Thank God I own an iPhone
But for the time being it seems I've reached an impasse
I am shockingly at a complete loss for words
Their refusal to acknowledge my antics has broken my will
So I'm off to go do some work, primarily out of sheer boredom
As I collect another check
For in the end
This confession
Has meant
Nothing
User Reviews
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-11-08 23:14:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Psycho = Auto +1
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-11-07 20:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I worked over 60 frigging hours this week. Cunts.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-11-07 12:29:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
how pretentious!
Submitted by romiustexis (user info) at 2009-11-07 05:01:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-11-06 04:10:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow it's like someone is looking over my shoulder.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-11-05 19:45:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
BART COULD YOU PLEASE FIX THE GODDAMN SEARCH BOX YOU FUCKING NAZI!?
Thank you. That is all.
*Yozz returns you to your normally scheduled Uber post*
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-11-05 17:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My favorite part of American Psycho were the end credits. Because at that point I knew that, even though I would never get those 90 wasted minutes of my life back, I wouldn't be obliged to watch even another second of that cinematic shitstain.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-11-05 16:49:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-11-05 15:19:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
my favourite part of American Psycho is where he's fucking that chick and then he watches himself bang her in the mirror...
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-11-05 15:19:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
and who said?; we can outwork anyone from any other country...
usa! usa!
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-11-05 14:49:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah.
Submitted by Mallow (user info) at 2009-11-05 11:45:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-11-05 11:43:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite a manifesto
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-11-05 11:32:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Before I go......