I got skull fucked by a retard and got a monkey as a door prize (2054 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.93 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by angrykoz.at.suckit.com (View user info) at 2003-12-30 09:51:40 EST
A little background on the situation... I am an avid mountain biker and during the warm months I am usually out biking somewhere and the average between 100 -125 miles a week, right now I am training for a century ride (100 mile bike ride) Why? Because I have nothing better to do in my single pathetic life - that's why! Anyway, for Christmas I bought myself a fluid trainer, which basically locks onto the back wheel of my mountain bike and turns it into a stationary bike and provides resistance to train so I could train indoors over the winter here in beautiful Cleveland aka. Satan's Asshole. Anyway, I bought this trainer about a week and a half ago for myself as a Christmas/birthday gift. The trainer is great! I can set it up in my living room and workout and watch TV to make the time go by faster.
After I initially bought the trainer I didn't have time to set it up, I just left it in the box so I could set it up after the holidays when everything settles down. Then as fait has it, a couple of my brothers decided they wanted to stay the night on Christmas to catch up with the old bro. The youngest of the two is 6 years old and the other is 18, they showed up around 8pm with presents for me, the older one got me a card with a gift certificate and the younger got me the ugliest god damn thing I have ever seen, it was a 10 inch plastic monkey with eyes popping out of it's head --- I have no fuckin' clue where this thing came from, it looked like something out of a nightmare --- no big deal, my little bro can do no wrong when it comes to me and I took this piece of shit looking monkey and proudly displayed it on top of my entertainment console in my living room --- every time I looked at it I couldn't help but laugh, it has got to be the most hideous thing I have ever seen.
Later on that evening, after we had played Xbox and shot the shit for a while the eldest brother was starting to get bored and noticed the box with my trainer in it sitting against the wall and he asks if he could put it together - sure why the fuck not, it only has a few screws and minor adjustments to complete the assembly --- go right ahead fucko! By the way, this brother has not a fragment of mechanical aptitude in his whole body --- this will come into play later. After about an hour of repetitive questions while asking me for obscure tools like a "hammer" he finally managed to put the device together and make the adjustments needed for my bike to properly fit in it. He cleaned up the mess and assured me that it was rock solid and ready for me to use - perfect this is what little brothers are for!! I offered him a beer and we toasted in honor of his mechanical achievement.
The next morning after they left I decided that it was as good a time as any to break in the new trainer and put my brothers abilities to the test. Another factor that is going to come into play is when I ride I wear a pair of shoes with a locking device that clips my shoes into the pedals so that I get more power from pedaling --- these shoes will be part of my down fall. Anyway, I hop on the bike and lock my feet in and begin to pedal; since this is the first time using this device I bounce up and down a few times and shake from side to side to make sure it's stable - seems pretty good, my bro has done me good. After about and hour into the ride I am feeling confident about the trainer and I keep telling myself what a great investment the trainer is.
Here is where shit goes extremely wrong, I am chugging along just fine and sweating my ass off, I reach down and grab a water bottle and take a nice long swig. At this point I have both hands off my handlebars and I am leaning as far back as possible, looking up at the ceiling, while taking a drink and at the same time keeping a pace of 18 mph ---- and it happens. My bike drops from the trainer and the rear tire grabs the carpet and launches like a fucking missile. I go right through my glass topped end table, taking the lamp with me and I went straight over the handle bars --- now here is where those nifty shoes come into play --- as I go over the handle bars the bike somersaults with me and plants a 4 foot hole in the wall right next to my entertainment console, which I might add has my brand new 42 inch flat screen in it. Everything happened so fast I didn't really have any time to react - except for the bear hug I placed on the lamp as I launched into the air. The impact of the bike combined with the explosion of the end table was enough to wake the dead. I lay there in shambles stunned for a few seconds before I could move. I took a quick look around the room and tried to comprehend what the fuck had just taken place, in the matter of 2.5 seconds my living room had just turned into a scene from Apocalypse Now.
My apartment looked like a fucking war zone, there was glass everywhere, a huge hole in my wall and my head was bleeding from cracking it into something during my circus act somersault. Once I made sure I had not broken any bones I made an attempt to get up, I rolled over and I hit my entertainment console and that plastic monkey that my little brother had gotten me fell flawlessly on my chest, looking straight into my eyes with a pompous, superior smirk on it's stupid fucking plastic face. --- I couldn't help but to laugh aloud.
Since I live in an apartment, and even though the walls are pretty solid and no one has ever complained about any type of excessive noise, my neighbor rushed over to see what had just happened. As she opened the door she saw me --- I was laying on the floor, still holding onto precious life saving lamp with one hand while blood was running down my forehead and I was still laughing out loud at a plastic monkey, it was one of those moments where there is nothing you can do but laugh - no matter how much pain you are in. I wish I would of had my digital camera at home so I could post some pictures of the war zone along with my battle wounds it was fucking priceless. I am now convinced my brother is adopted and half retarded.
Here is a pic of the simple the device that destroyed my apartment ---- Merry Christmas/Happy Birth Day to me........
User Reviews
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-28 07:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-04-28 07:00:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
1.93 on 42 reviews.
Easily the best-rated post on the site.
Not to mention a great post.
*
Err what a dumbass.
Kudos on the post tho
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-04-28 07:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.93 on 42 reviews.
Easily the best-rated post on the site.
Not to mention a great post.
Submitted by Milkman (user info) at 2004-01-27 13:50:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that's great
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2004-01-21 15:00:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2004-01-05 14:52:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks again for the info!!
LOOK OUT I'M BRINGING THE MONKEY! - WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-05 14:47:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome! If you want a cheap place to stay for the HH100, check out Camp Chapperal. Chaperel? Something like that. It's a Baptist camp so you can't go nuts around there, but it's cheap. There are no curfews or anything annoying like that.
Keep my email handy, and we can meet up before or after the ride if you want! Also, Da Man and I will be living near Ft. Sill starting next month. If you need someone in the area for anything, I'll be there!
Ain't bike geeks oh so social?
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2004-01-05 14:30:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nat I already looked into it, me and a buddy of mine are going to be there for it, now all I have to do is get a road bike. Thanks for the info on the race, I have been looking for something exactly like it ---- YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-01-05 14:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm late.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2004-01-05 13:56:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heheheheee Well you just fly on by, monkey boy! Unless I get some serious training time in this year I'm going to be slow as shit!
check out www.hh100.org
I can't remember the site on which I saw the Twelve Miles of Pain, but do a search for Wichita Mountains Cycling Club and you might come across it.
Submitted by Perplexd (user info) at 2003-12-31 12:18:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that shits too funny i wanna see a picture of this monkey tho
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-31 11:46:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the hell is it? I just might have too...if you can keep up with me *bows*
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-12-31 11:36:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahahahahaaaa goddamn clipless pedals! Watch it angrykoz; I may have to stalk YOU for that BIKE! I need a new mountain bike... Or you could just buy me the Specialized Epic I want and save yourself.
Come do the Hotter'N Hell 100 with me in August, you pathetic person you. The SAG stops alone are worth it. There's also the 12 Miles of Pain (or something like that) around Mount Scott on Ft. Sill in that same month.
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-31 08:49:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank god it's not you, I was begining to like ya!!!
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2003-12-31 05:07:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed out loud 3 times.
Was just wondering if it says anywhere on the directions,
"CAUTION: Do Not Lean Back While Riding Bicycle."
You funny bloody jackass.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-30 22:37:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nooo that is most CERTAINLY NOT ME!
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-30 20:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
did ya hear that Bart? Huh? Did ya?
Submitted by jimbobjoe (user info) at 2003-12-30 20:16:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is one of the funniest stories I have ever read on ubersite.
I petition for BoredAtWork.
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-30 19:49:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
TV survived -- THANK YOU LORD!!!!!!!
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-12-30 19:46:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
stop stop stop stop.. Is the TV ok???
good post
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-30 19:46:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope your not this Nicole ---> http://www.ubersite.com/m/20965
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-30 16:54:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Name's Nicole, last name...is a secret.
yeah.
A secret.
Okay, it starts out with "kos" which is changed to koz for my brother's nickname.
just wondering..
I have revealed too much!
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-30 16:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
from where?
what is your name?
I would tell you more about me, but my brothers in politics, understand?
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-12-30 16:28:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha!
Excellent
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-30 16:28:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a HA!
thanks.
I just know someone with the nickname "koz"..and..yeah.nevermind.
Thanks!
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-30 16:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-30 15:53:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
What does the title have to do with it?
Where the hell does the "koz" part come in? this I especially have to know..is that your last name orsomething?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
reread the story to figure out the title, kinda works out - basically just and eye catcher
1. Brother is retarded
2. Cracked my head open
3. Monkey was the only thing basically not broken
"koz" = "cause" as in angry because
Question: Why are you angry?
Answer: Cause I am!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2003-12-30 15:53:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What does the title have to do with it?
Where the hell does the "koz" part come in? this I especially have to know..is that your last name orsomething?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-12-30 15:06:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-30 14:57:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FUCKIN MONKEY IS GONNA DIE!!!!!
Submitted by Keefe22 (user info) at 2003-12-30 14:06:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Monkey is cursed!
Great story...haha
Submitted by smokymtcsw (user info) at 2003-12-30 12:38:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yep that was good
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2003-12-30 12:36:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good times.
that title kicks ass.
Submitted by angrykoz (user info) at 2003-12-30 12:35:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Canondale F400
Submitted by Sunny (user info) at 2003-12-30 12:26:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fabulous.
What kind of bike do you have?
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2003-12-30 12:14:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-12-30 11:57:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun stuff!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-12-30 11:43:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hope you have renter's insurance.
Great story, I wish I could have witnessed it. I would have wet my pants laughing.
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2003-12-30 11:29:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh...monkeys.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-12-30 10:19:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, Satan's Asshole
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-12-30 10:17:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
God, that was great. I love hearing about comical accidents and people getting the shit kicked out of them.
Submitted by Deisangua (user info) at 2003-12-30 10:04:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny as hell...great title too.
Submitted by Titan (user info) at 2003-12-30 10:03:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
eeesh, i think i know the monkey your talking about, was it gripping cymbals ? those are creepy fuckers.
Tough break, +2.
Submitted by snypavat <snypavat.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-12-30 10:02:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I would believe it if I had seen a picture of your living room in shambles. The monkey part is the "untrue" cherry on the cake.
+1 for a good imagination
-1 for not using periods
Submitted by KilgoreTrout (user info) at 2003-12-30 10:02:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, totally awesome.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-12-30 09:59:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can see this happening in my minds eye and it is extremely funny. Glad you're ok though.