Falcos A-Z and Sex Bible -*NSFW*- (2829 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.16 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Falco (View user info) at 2004-04-05 07:40:54 EDT
I Stumbled across this website whilst researching for my thesis on Human Sexuality, its pretty awesome and i checked that noone has posted it before. Hope you all benefit from it.
Reference: http://www.noirmag.com
Published: Online guide/article
Time: Monday April 5th. 23:31. (GMT+12 FIJI, NZ)
*********************************A-Z OF KINKY SEX******************************************
*******************************************************************************************
*******************************************************************************************
Women don't want to be total perverts (at least not all of them), but every once in a while they do yearn for something a little bit, well, you know...different. If you want to take your lady for a walk on the wild side, you've got to know exactly how far she'll want to go. Our resident sexperts will help you push the envelope with confidence-and without making her worry that you're going to dress up in her pink, lacy panties and chase her around with a feather duster. Barbie and Ken will provide us with some of the demonstrations.....and I used to think that Ken was gay.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A IS FOR ALTOIDS
The curiously strong mints are infamous for boosting blow jobs into the stratosphere, because the peppermint oil gives you that powerful icy-hot feeling. Have her tuck a few between her cheek and gum, or crunch 'em up completely (to prevent nasty abrasions from cut mints) for whole mouthful of that minty goodness. "One day I bought a tin and pulled it out while my boyfriend and I were watching tv. Then I flashed him a naughty smile and went for it", says Nicole from DC. He said it felt strongest when I put one on my tongue and ran it up and down - the sensitive spot at the bottom of the tip was the part that had him moaning. He loved it because it felt cold but weird since my mouth was warm at the same time." Aaaaah...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
B IS FOR BODY PIERCING
Similarly, a tongue piercing can work wonders for oral sex by providing extra sensation to the frenulum-that sensitive area on the underside of your johnson. "My girlfriend's tongue stud tickles with a soft, feathery touch," says Brian from Pittsburg. "You wouldn't know it was metal, it doesn't feel cold." So if a girl flashes a steel barbell at you, ask if she'd put the metal to your pedal!
Penis piercing improve sensation for her but require letting people with sharp tools down in man-land. Better: a female genital piercing like the "triangle", which increases the sensitivity of her clitoris. "I've pierced the several women who'd never had an orgasm until after the procedure, "says Elayne Angel, a pro piercer at New Orleans' Rings of Desire. "Once they did, they were so happy that they sent me cards and flowers as thanks!" For qualified piercers in your area, check out the Association of Professional Piercers (888-515-4APP) www.safepiercing.org
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
C IS FOR CLOTHESPINS
Why waste money on nipple clamps at a sex shop? Buy a bag of clothespins instead. They do the job better and are less implicating than a bag from Little Shop of Perverts.
"My nipples were never that sensitive, so it was a revelation when this guy I was seeing used clothespins on them", says Diana from Virginia. "All of a sudden I could feel them, and it was like they were connected to my clit or something. Now I always teach boyfriends to do it."
Try the clamps on the soft bit of flesh between your thumb and forefinger first. If it hurts like hell, don't hang your boo out to dry. You can stretch the metal spring in the clothespins to make it gentler.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
D IS FOR DOUBLEMINT TWINS
Could that sweet threesome dream of yours ever come true? Hell, why not? Here's some expert advice to bump up your odds.
1. Lay the groundwork early. Sell it to her as a way to expand your sexual repertoire and grow closer through shared experience. If that doesn't work, tell her you'll spend an paycheck mall-shopping with her.
2. Identify a target. Which of her gal pals seems most, ah, open to this sort of thing? Pick a potential menage mate and then invite her over. Try to build a relationship.
3. Prepare social lubricants. If a moment is starting to suggest itself, relax those pesky moral restraints with some Barry White and Vodka martinis, and unplug the damn phone. ( The fewer the distractions, the less likely one of your party pals will put the brakes on.)
4. Drive carefully. A liaison with two girls may mean twice the fun, but it requires twice the soothing and reassurance, too. In particular, never forget your girlfriend. "There was no penetration between me and the 'other' girl," remembers Derrick from Baltimore. "That definitely would have broken the spell."
5. Make a mental video. You'll be tested on it at the next bachelor party. This was Derrick's moment of glory: "It was everything I'd always imagined. The best part was when I was lying on the bed, and they were on each side, both 'helping me out' with their hands. It was definitely one of those things you remember for the rest of your life."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
E IS FOR EROTICA
Ever wonder why most women don't drool over porno pictures of naked men? It's because they're not as obsessed with visuals as a men are. But you will find them peeking at "Penthouse Forum" because women get turned on by reading erotic literature, or having it read to them. Try delivering your gal passages from one of these raunchy books. The Best American Erotic 1999: An annual collection of short stories that covers everything from ass-whipping to pillow fighting. The Story of O: The classic '60s S&M story that still gets girls revved up. Nerve.com: A Web zine with the latest in erotic nonfiction and fiction-razor-sharp and easy to download.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
F IS FOR FOOD
Using marshmallows mush, peanut butter and other gooey groceries to enhance sex is so common, it's got it's own name: sploshing. There are two types sploshers: silly, slapstick ones who throw cream pies at each other, and sexy, food-as-foreplay 91/2 weeks devotees. According to Bill Shipton, publisher of Splosh magazine (www.splosh.co.uk), other tame faves include Cool Whip (it's wasted on cakes"), chocolate sauce and maple syrup...though "only if you like really sticky things."
Julie, 26 likes to walk on the wild side, but may have watched one too many Three stooges movies as a kid. "I love getting pied," she says. "The thrill starts with getting
all dressed up, knowing I'm going to get all messed up. Then there's the feel of all the cool goo going over and into my clothing. It can't be described-you have to try it. I get a huge kick from seeing myself slowly reduced to a messy state.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
G IS FOR GREASE MONKEY
Roleplaying doesn't have to be scary master-slave stuff...unless, of course, you've been really bad and deserve to be hung upside down by a cock ring. Just pretending to be a stranger is a good first step. So the next time you change the oil, grab her in your greasy hands and say, Miss, is there anything else you'd like me to service for you?" She'll enjoy playing the role of the helpless girl seduced by the sweaty mechanic (unless you really are a sweaty mechanic). Other popular roles: doctor and patient ("it's time for your breast exam"), highway patrolman and naughty motorist (Step out of the car, please") and president and intern (you can figure it out).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
H IS FOR HIGH HEELS
"Wearing high heels makes me want to act like a slut," says Monica from New York. "So when I'm in them, I do."
If your girlfriend rules the bedroom (be honest), that extra six inches of height can help transform her into a bonafide dominatrix, and she can inflict a lot of pain with those spikes. If you're the master, making her teeter around the bedroom in those super-high stilettos can enforce her submission: Fetish shops sell sky-high heels (we're talking nine inches) with ankle padlocks, making it almost impossible for her to walk.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I IS FOR ICE
Ice cubes are the coolest sex aid-literally. Not only do they make her every hair stand on end and raise her nipples like ICBMs poking out of silos, but they're also free, portable, and no matter how drunk you are, you'll always remember the recipe. Rub a cube all over her curves, or hold it in your hand and let the drips do the work. Or for the wildest blow job ever, get her to chew a jalapeno pepper, then pop an ice cube in her mouth when it gets too hot to bear. You know what goes in next.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
J IS FOR JOYSTICK
Want to keep passion burning during a business trip or a long-distance relationship? Pick up a cyberSuit from Vivid Interactive (800-822-8339) and type your way to ecstasy.
She dons the $189 neoprene full body suit (or vice versa). You put a DVD on your PC, log onto the Net and then "touch" her with the click of a keyboard or joystick. The suit has 36 devices position on erogenous zones-some create heat, some give a gentle touch and some vibrate-designed to bring the wearer to, or close to orgasm. Attach a Web camera to the PC at the other end, for a full visual. With two suits, you can get each other off at the same time.
"The sensations were tingly and warm, like a small vibrator, on my breasts inner arm, inner thigh and, of course, my crotch," says Lisa from Chicago. "It felt like sex because I didn't know where my boyfriend was going to go next."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
K IS FOR KAMA SUTRA
Sex doesn't sound dirty if you dress it up in Eastern mumbo jumbo, so grab a copy of this ancient tome and start hittin' the skins. Here are some gems of wisdom: Don't ask her if she takes it up the ass; ask her if she enjoys "lower congress." And rather than requesting head, see if she'd like to "suck a mango fruit." See, now isn't that nice?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
L IS FOR LATEX
How hot was that chick's getup in The Matrix? Rubber clothes are great-and not just because of the way the look . "My boyfriend wanted to buy me a catsuit after we saw Batman Returns, but I picked a skintight latex dress instead," says Kate from Phillie. "It gets sweaty, but I love the feeling of being enclosed in it." The latest thing is Liquid Latex ($12 a pint, http://www.l8tex.com), which you can use like body paint. Pour it on the nearest naked body and see it dry within minutes-faster if you use a hairdryer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
M IS FOR YOUR MOM
Hey, just kidding. But she did call us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
N IS FOR NAIR
You've seen it in pornos, you have that friend in Atlanta whose girlfriend did it-now break out the shaving cream and the razor and make her nether regions as smooth as a peach. Aside from the visual value for you, shaving her bare ups the friction and clitoral stimulation. But tread carefully: Nicks are painful, so make sure you're sober when you try this. And don't follow up with aftershave.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O IS FOR ONSTAGE
If you've always dreamed of doing it to the roar of the crowds, try out your Dirk Diggler skills at a sex club. Just know what you're getting yourself into: If your girlfriend's into it, you're guaranteed an audience. The bad news is that the audience will be 90 percent guys, so if you're single or don't want one-handed warriors ogling your woman, don't go there. I'd always wanted to see what a sex club was like, and I felt a huge rush of excitement before we went in," says Samantha from Miami. "There were some couples doing crazy stuff-like a girl giving a guy a blow job and dominatrix with a tied-up-slave-but the rest of the club was full of single guys jerking off. Next time, I'd do more research and go to a higher-end club." Flip through dirty mags and local papers to find love nests in your area
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
P IS FOR PUNISHMENT
Has she been a naughty girl? It may be time for some light spanking. Aim for the well-padded, feminine-phat areas of her body like the thighs and buttocks. And ask before you bring out the paddle-this is one surprise that won't go over well.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q IS FOR QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD
If she flinched when you broke out the whipped cream, it's probably not a great idea to start peeling that banana and calling in her sister to join you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
R IS FOR ROPES AND CHAINS
Get her right where you want her: Tie her to the bed with soft, silky scarves or one of your ties, and let the games begin. The key here is to tease, not dominate. Kiss her all over without getting close to second or third base. When she begs you to take her panties off, don't - she'll scream for more. To keep it safe, make sure the tethers aren't cutting off the circulation in her wrists, and never tie anything around her neck. Also, always have a pair of scissors within reach just in case her momma shows up unannounced. If she's not crazy about knots, let her tie you up-just make sure you've hidden the ice pick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
S IS FOR SWINGS
No, not swinging. A playground-style swing makes for great sex because it does all the work for you. Don't try to get on it together-it may break. Instead, have her sit on it and lean back as far as she can (a loose skirt and no panties is essential-for her that is). Stand in front of her and move the swing back and forth into your loins. Our prison correspondent warns that school superintendents take a dim view of this kind of trespassing, so you might want to hang your own at home. Specialty bondage stores sell "slings" designed for this purpose; just take it down when not in use so you don't have to explain it. Or buy a cheap hammock ($10 in Tijuana, at the store next to the donkey show) and hang it in your apartment.
"When we first tried hammock sex, we both got in and rolled around like idiots. We just couldn't move enough to do anything," says Mandi from LA. "But once he climbed out, we found we could use it for just about any sexual position. It was sexy and real lazy!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
T IS FOR TICKLING
Terrific torture that's especially good if she's all tied up with nowhere to go and you run a feather down her body. You might discover that she's one of the few lucky women who can get tickled to orgasm.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
U IS FOR UPSIDE DOWN
It's true, a rush of blood to the head intensifies orgasm. You can buy foot-suspension stirrups, but you don't want to be hanging upside down from the door frame when the pizza guy shows up. Leaning your head back works for either gender, or try the wheelbarrow: You standing up, her in front with her hands on the floor and legs around your waist...oh, you get the idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
V IS FOR VERANDA
Ah, the outdoors. That adrenaline rush you get from doing it in semipublic is like nothing else. "One of my best experiences ever was on this guy's terrace one night in a rainstorm," says Susan from Philadelphia. "We just went out for a minute and ended up fooling around for an hour, completely soaked by the rain . We never even thought about the neighbors."
The British have turned exhibitionism into a pastime with "dogging," where people watch couples having sex in a parked car. Voyeurs find out about it by word of mouth, and exhibitionist couples identify themselves by switching on a colored interior light.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
W IS FOR WAX
Hot candle wax can feel great, but be careful:
1. Use a cheap, unscented, white candle (perfumes, colorings and beeswax all make the candle burn hotter), and hold it well above her so the wax cools as it falls through the air.
2.Tilt the candle slightly to allow a single drop of hot wax to land on the skin at a time.
3. Remember that areas like the nipples are more sensitive. You can also alternate between hot wax and ice (see "I is for...") for extremes that will drive her wild, or use a blindfold so everything comes as a surprise.
4. If she takes a candle to you, shave or die.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
X IS FOR X-TOYS
Who says you can't buy kinky happiness? To spice up your meat and potatoes without leaving the bedroom, hop on to x-Toys.com for tame stuff like vibrators and lickable oils and funkier fare like leather handcuffs and "backdoor buzzers." (Their words, not ours.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Y IS FOR YOUCH!
Be a gentleman and ask her where it hurts. Before starting, make sure you're packin' the right tools. Like if she's agreed to let you go knockin' at the back door, have Astroglide or K-Y Jelly ready and waiting. And if that clothespin is turning her nipples blue, don't ruin future opportunities by forcing her to forge on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Z IS FOR ZIPPER
Zippers were made for one thing, easy access. Take the hint and go for it when your partner's not expecting it (on the train, at the movies, you get the idea). Just make sure that is your partner's zipper you're unzipping or you could have some explaining to do...
*********************************A HOW TO GUIDE********************************************
*******************************************************************************************
*******************************************************************************************
How to Tell She Wants You
Only in your dreams do unfamiliar babes at parties hold up signs urging you to ACome and get it!@ In the waking world, you have to decipher more subtle, unconscious signals, according to Allan Pease=s book Signals: How to Use Body Language for Power, Success, and Love.
If she tosses her head or lets her hair fall onto her face and peers out from under her cage o= locks holding your gaze, you=re in. If she's wearing a wig or weave and just takes the whole damn thing off while enticingly glancing at you, you might want to be careful.
If she exposes her wrists it=s a subtle come-on. (The bondage imagery won=t be lost on the discriminating male.)
If she spreads her legs or strikes a wide-legged stance, she=s either hot for your bones or has a serious thong-wedgie situation.
If she thrusts her foot or moves her toesies in and out of her shoe, it=s more classic nookie symbolism. (Don=t ask her if she=s got bunions.)
If she flashes her neck it=s a come-hither sign of passivity. (If she flashes her breasts, you==re either at Mardi Gras or your alarm clock is about to go off.)
If she fondles cylindrical objects or starts running her fingers up and down the stem of her wineglass, she=s, well what do you think?
One final note: The finger still means go away!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Juggle Two Girlfriends
Monogamy is a man=s greatest challenge. It takes unshakable commitment, immense emotional maturity, a will of steel in the face of overwhelming temptation. In other words, it ain=t gonna happen! Infidelity is hard-wired into our DNA, right next to the do-stupid-things-while-drunk gene. The question is, how do we get away with it without getting a frying pan permanently imbedded in our skulls? We asked Marvin Stone, a psychiatrist and sex therapist, how best to fulfill our God-given genetic potential and score two girlfriends at once. He wouldn=t bite: AIf you are in a committed relationship, you should never get into another at the same time. That means only one emotional thing at a time and no affairs.@ Thanks, Doc. Now back to reality. Since the sexperts won=t help us, we decided to seek the counsel of some real guys who have double-dipped and come back with all their vitals intact. (Names have been changed to protect the all too guilty.)
Be a Travelin= Man- If it worked for Ricky Nelson, it=ll work for you. AKeeping different girlfriends in different cities will make things a whole lot easier,@ says Paul of Arizona. AI made the mistake of dating two women in the same city and ran into one at the movie theater one night while there with the other. I would have lost them both had I not played it cool and faked an aneurysm.@
Keep It Simple, Stupid AIt=s like Shakespeare said,@ notes Dennis of Connecticut. A The more complicated your little web of lies becomes, the easier it is to get all tangled up, with your balls left flapping in the wind.@ (That=s exactly how Shakespeare said it, too!) When you=re weaseling out of a date with one to spend time with the other, be as nonspecific as possible. Don=t nail down a time and place. Lies of omission may be as bad as lies of commission, but they=re harder to track.
Keep Them Too Busy to Notice AOne summer I was dating two girls at the same time,@ says Chris of Georgia. AI spent the whole summer going out with them on alternating nights and essentially getting no sleep whatsoever. I couldn=t keep up the pace forever, so eventually I just flipped a coin and dumped one to prevent myself from keeling over from exhaustion.@ Besides, it=s always best to let a coin make the difficult decision between head and tail.
Find a Lookout AFor once my worthless best buddy finally came in handy,@ laughs Jon of Delaware. AI was at a barbeque with one girl when the other came walking in. Before she saw us, I gave my buddy the signal and he distracted girl number two while I hustled girl number one out of there in his car!@
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to spot a nymphomaniac
"If you're looking for a one-night stand, you can't beat a nymphomaniac,"" says Dr. Mary Andres, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sexuality and addiction. OK, so without several months of test driving and costly analysis, there's no surefire way to tell if a woman is certifiable. But here are a few tips to help you zero in on likely candidates.
Sign #1: She's a spotlight hog Look for signs of extremely extroverted behavior. "If a woman starts dancing on a bar and whipping off her shirt, this suggests she's pretty liberated," says Cal State L.A. psychologist Pamela Regan. "If she orders a drink like a Blow Job, with piles of whipped cream, and then she goes down on it, you can tell she's pretty wild."" Work on reading people's sexual energy: "Next time you walk into a bar,"" suggests Andres, "ask yourself who puts out that vibe that says I'm fuckable. " (Warning: Noirmag is not responsible for errors resulting from misconstrued vibes.)
Sign #2: She pounces on you Be passive and you could still end up with a nympho in your lap. "Nymphomaniacs chase after a particular type of man," swears Hannah, a recovering sex addict. "For me, whenever I saw a guy in a suit, it would just set me off." If your traits press her buttons, she'll be disturbingly insatiable. "Sex was a drug for me," Hannah says. "I was always chasing that high and wanting to keep it." Congrats; you're now her love fix.
Sign #3: She rubs you the right way "If a woman brushes against you with her breasts, genitals, or clothing, these are good signs," says Regan. (Genitals?) If the room isn't crowded and she's still pressed up against you, she's achin' for the takin' or she's trying to scratch an itch. Either way, give the lady a hand!
How to get rid of unwanted guests
You thought your old college buddy was crashing for the weekend, but two months later his hairy ass still stares you in the face when you leave for work. When your leech has worn out his welcome (or BMG has tracked him down), use our tips to make Cousin Eddie throw the RV in reverse and find another jackass with the words meal ticket pulsing on his forehead.
-Don't get hostile over your hostel: "Getting angry at an unwelcome guest means you've lost all control of your own boundaries," says New York psychotherapist Debra Burrell. Regaining that control, not lashing out at your loafer, should be your focus. Along with empty wallets, freeloaders are equipped with unusually thick skin, and your repeated yelling will only make it thicker.
-Starve him out: Remember, all parasites must feed, so under no circumstances keep food in the house. Store groceries and beer in the fridge at work. When he gets tired of living off toothpaste, he'll push off.
-Be a psychobabble bully: If subtle hints don't work, Burrell says, use the ABC technique to talk your way out of subservience. Make statements that follow the form "When you do A, I feel B, so I have to ask you to do C." For example: "When you feed off me like a dung beetle, I end up feeling like a total sucker, so I'm gonna have to stop bending over and ask you to dismount."
-Play the phobia card: Desperate times call for desperate measures, so don't rule out character suicide as a survival tactic. Once those bestiality catalogs start rolling in, your guest will check into a shelter before he asks you for a stick of gum.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to get high on water
Addiction takes many forms: gambling, pornography, 12-hour Sanford & Son binges. But just when you thought it was safe to turn on your tap, here comes psychogenic polydipsia, the pathological need to consume water by the gallon and drink oneself into intoxication. "Instead of drinking eight glasses of water a day, addicts drink 80," notes Dr. Richard Millson of Ontario's Kingston Psychiatric Hospital and an expert on the subject. "They do it to get high." By downing enough liquid to alter their bodies' sodium levels, these addicts water their way into a wasted state, inducing slurred speech and fuzzy thinking (not to mention really clean teeth).
Of course, it takes more than a six-pack of Evian to do the trick: Your average polydipsiac typically needs anywhere from four to 10 liters to achieve inebriation, though like any addicts, they build up an incredible tolerance for the substance they crave. Millson notes that one woman's water addiction caused her to gain 15 pounds in around three hours. And especially neurotic doctors fear that water is a "gateway drug" that may lead to excessive consumption of fluids whose effects aren't as benign. "One man drank eight liters of milk in a sitting," recalls Millson.
And before you stick that garden hose in your mouth in the hope of going on the ultimate cheap bender, the doctor warns that you can indeed overdose on water. Worst-case scenario: If the heart attack or the seizure-induced coma doesn't kill you, the fluid coming back up from your stomach and filling your lungs probably will. Best-case: Your bladder swells to the size of a football (permanently), you're plagued by urinary tract infections, and the idea of using your shoe to drink out of the toilet seems clever.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to have sex in space
Want to go where no man has gone before? Then be the first to officially get your rocks off in space. NASA won't confirm whether members of U.S. shuttle crews have ever gotten astro-naughty, but "we've been flying coed missions since the early 80s," notes aerospace consultant and former NASA flight surgeon Dr. Patricia Santy. "If nothing's happened up there, astronauts are less imaginative than I expected." Should you somehow manage to make it into orbit with an agreeable docking target, here's how to rendezvous.
We have liftoff! Though the rush of a nine-minute, 18,000-mile-an-hour launch may be the ultimate aphrodisiac, you'll want to wait at least three days into your mission before making the first move; it'll take that long for your body to fully recover. "Besides, there are bigger priorities during the first 72 hours," says Santy, "like not throwing up." Need a good opening line? Tell her that watching a sunrise always gets you hot: Once you're in orbit, there's one every 90 minutes.
May the force be with you! If pushing off with a finger can send an astronaut flying, imagine what all that buck-naked bonking can do. As you prepare for the final frontier, make a quick inspection of your cabin. Watch for any stray probes or protrusions; in zero G, any surface is a potential headboard. While futuristic contraptions like elastic harnesses and Velcro suits make for good science fiction, they aren't necessary for landing the Eagle. "All you have to do," says Santy, "is just hang on."
Space oddities. Before you engage in exo-atmospheric foreplay, you'll discover that your fluids have begun to pool in your upper body, and as these fluids are redistributed, your stomach may appear flatter and your chest more ripped. Bonus: You may notice a similarly enticing effect on women. Sadly, the lack of gravity also makes your kidneys work overtime, so make a trip to the little boys room before you get close to her O-ring. Otherwise, Houston, you'll have a problem.
Shields up! Don't want to end up with a little Sputnik of your own? "NASA hasn't studied the effectiveness of birth control in outer space," cautions Santy. You'll have to rely on barrier methods: condoms, diaphragms, lunar-sample baggies, whatever. And as you splash down, remember: The loss of cohesion in zero gravity reduces liquids to millions of individual droplets; that applies to bodily fluids too. Like in Apollo 13, withdrawal is not an option!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to get healthy by just standin' around
Whenever you talk on the phone, get up off your butt. By standing just one extra hour over the course of the day, a 175-pound man will burn 90 more calories, according to calculations in the Journal of the American College of Sports Medicine. You'll lose nearly seven pounds in a year just by standing around.
Bonus: Your voice will sound deeper and richer and will have more impact if you stand up while you're speaking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to survive that time of the month
1 Hide the salt. About a week before her period, your girlfriend's hormone levels soar, causing her to retain fluid and feel uncomfortably bloated. (Expect ye olde "Do I look fat?" question.) Foods high in salt only magnify the problem.
2 Don't manhandle her knockers. They're more sensitive before her period, because of the progesterone released by her body.
3 Suggest exercise. This will increase the production of endorphins and make her feel better overall. A walk is fine. Sex is better. In fact, "vaginal stimulation and orgasm can have pain-blocking effects on her body," says Dr. Beverly Whipple, president of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to make your penis look bigger
If there were some sort of magic potion that made your penis bigger, we'd have it in the office water cooler. Surgery can jump-start your johnson, but even if they're successful, "operations don't necessarily lead to a bigger erection," says Maggie Paley, author of The Book of the Penis. "You'll simply look better in the shower." And that will only impress the guys at the Y. There are, however, a few ways to cheat - to look like you're stompin' with the big dogs when all you've got is a chuawa.
- Shorten your pubic hair. We're not talking a full shave here, only a little off the sides. Trimming around the tallest tree in the forest will let your scraggly larch mimic a mighty oak - just be careful with those electric hedge clippers.
-Take to the treadmill. If you're chunky, your belly may have swallowed up to an inch of your fire hose. Get rid of that gut eclipsing your jimmy and you'll have a Comeback Special taking place in your pants.
-Wear makeup. Apply your girlfriend's foundation to the tip of your penis and the front of the shaft. Then, if need be, dye your newly cropped pubes black. The contrast will accentuate what little length you have. (We don't have to point out how pathetic actually doing this is, do we?)
-Move to France. OK, so it won't actually make you look bigger, but you'll instantly sound bigger thanks to their confounded metric system: Four scrawny inches becomes more than 10 manly centimeters. And in France that's more than enough to make you the next John Holmes
How to last five minutes longer
It takes the average woman about five minutes longer to reach orgasm than it takes most guys. Last longer with these tips:
Bring it to the brink. Stop the friction, stop the orgasm. Sometimes all you need to do is slow down.
Press the million-dollar point. There's an ejaculatory duct down at that soft spot between the scrotum and the anus (closer to the anus). Press on it, and you will stop the ejaculation.
Change your mount. The missionary position may build strong triceps, but it often leads to rapid ejaculations.
Get pharmaceutical assistance. Two very effective orgasm-control aids are condoms and desensitizing creams.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to save money on gasoline
According to the experts, all those claims oil companies make about your car running "better" or "cleaner" on premium gas are nothing but high-octane hype. "It's simply not true that you get better fuel economy, power, or performance from higher-octane gas," says David Van Sickle, the American Automobile Association's director of automotive and consumer information. "Unless your owner's manual specifically recommends using it, buying premium is a waste of money."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to impress the boss without actually doing any work
Leave your boss a midnight voice mail message. When he hears the time-coded message, he'll think you're a superemployee.
Have yourself copied in on all memos your boss gets. When he asks about it, tell him you're trying to stay on top of department issues.
Talk up your coworkers to your boss, which shows you can keep your ego in check and work for the greater good.
On a competing firm's letterhead, type up a glowing letter to yourself from a fictitious top-brass dude. Leave the letter on your desk until your boss spies it. Nothing is more impressive than having other people want you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to read her palm
If there's not a puppy in sight when you want to impress a girl, nothing does the trick like palm reading. Just grasp her hand and stroke the three lines cutting horizontally. The heart line is closest to the fingers and tells about her spiritual and emotional tendencies. The head line is located just below, revealing whether she's ambitious or subject to overpowering passions (Jump her now.) The life line, farthest down, represents her total lifespan. If you can't remember what the lines mean, jabber off something till she melts in your hand - in other words, lie your ass off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to fly for (almost) free
Save up to 85 percent on a regular airline ticket to any place in the world, and even scoop up an occasional free ticket, by offering your services as a courier. All you have to do is give up most ( sometimes all) of your allotted baggage space. (Many firms find this method cheaper and quicker than the regular air cargo route.) You're generally not allowed to touch the freight the company is shipping, and you're not liable for the contents. You're on board simply to provide the courier company with room in the hold of an airliner. One caveat: Find a legitimate courier service (call the International Association of Air Travel Couriers: 561-582-8320). Another route to a cheap ticket: Let the airlines come to you. Sign up at http://www.concierge.com/travel/c_planning/02_airfares/email/signup.html, and American, Continental, TWA, USAir, and Cathay Pacific will E-mail you low fares that become available at the last minute, when the airline realizes a flight is not completely booked and discounts fares by up to 70 percent.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to use her name, so she won't lose your number
In a 20-minute conversation, use her name three times: In the beginning ("Hi, Jill, nice to meet you"), in the middle ("Jill, you wouldn't have believed it. There I was at the top of Mount Everest, the only one with a book of matches"), and at the end ("Thanks for your number, Jill!"). For a 40-minute conversation, address her this way six times; for an hour-long conversation, nine. And if the conversation goes on any longer than that, shut the hell up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to tell if she's scoping you
If you're sitting at a bar and want to see which one of the belles is stealing glances at you, check your watch. Any woman who's been staring at you will reflexively look at hers. "It's one of those automatic things people do, even if someone is looking at you only peripherally; it's difficult not to glance," explains Charles T. Hill, a social psychologist and a psychology professor at Whittier College in Los Angeles County. What do you need, an engraved invitation? Go over and offer to buy her a drink.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to spin a basketball on your finger
Start by holding the ball so the logo faces you. With your strong hand underneath the ball, use both hands to simultaneously toss it a few inches in the air and generate a powerful horizontal spin. Catch the ball on the tip of your upraised middle finger, which should be stiff and perpendicular to the ground.
Form: Keep your spinning-arm elbow at an angle slightly wider than 90 degrees; hold your wrist straight; and most important, keep the ball at eye level. Finally, using your other hand, gently tap the ball at its widest point with a gentle downward tomahawk chop, about every three rotations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How to survive getting caught going solo
Having your girlfriend burst into the bedroom/shower/passenger seat while you're HANDling your bizniz can be mortifying. Here's a quickie strategy for spin control: Believe it or not, she'll probably feel hurt. Why would he do that, she may think, when he can have me? Maybe I'm not a good lover-maybe I'm fat. Your move: Assure her that she's gorgeous and that you were thinking about her. (You may lie.)
If there's a copy of Big Booty Magazine present, she'll need further reassurance. Remind her that skin mags are only about fantasies. Then ask about her fantasies. Maybe this will turn out better than you expected!
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
END
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-04-06 13:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sux
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-04-06 12:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A lil too fake but still hot.
Jesus Christ that was long.
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-06 07:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-04-05 16:20:41 (#)
Ranking: -1
I do NOT want to see FUCKING RIBS on a chick
*****************************************************
You like them chunky? That pic is wikid she is fucking hot as. I'd have no hesitations in letting her oil my weasle.
Submitted by Scientifik (user info) at 2004-04-05 16:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I do NOT want to see FUCKING RIBS on a chick
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-05 07:51:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-05 07:42:57 (#)
Ranking: -1
Rivals this http://www.ubersite.com/m/15040 in length
**********************************************
What part of *BIBLE* made you think it was going to be short asshat?
youarsoghey you need to get something done to your shit. That's right, that's right, that's what I said, nigger! You ain't about shit and your hair ain't neither.
Submitted by DlESEL (user info) at 2004-04-05 07:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've seen her before, is her name photoshop?
Submitted by DlESEL (user info) at 2004-04-05 07:46:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is fucking hot!
Submitted by Falco (user info) at 2004-04-05 07:45:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:D Note the referencing, im sorry bout the lack of formatting, i formatted before i posted but Uber went crazy and decided this was how it was to look.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-04-05 07:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Rivals this http://www.ubersite.com/m/15040 in length