The Indigenous Smoking People of city parks (1297 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.95 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-08-02 09:54:19 EDT
I have come to realize that most of the amusing and/or interesting episodes of my life have occurred either on public transit, or in city parks. Rather than fight this tendency, I choose to embrace it.
I spent last Friday night in a moderately sketchy park in Chicago playing "Mafia" with a mixed group of friends and acquaintances. For those of you who don't know what "Mafia" is, it's a role playing game of sorts.
No...not that kind of role playing.
Or that kind...
The park was nearly entirely empty. Nearly empty, but not quite.
About thirty yards from the gazebo we staked out sat the usual crowd. The usual crowd, that is, being the Indigenous Smoking People of the park.
The Indigenous Smoking People of the park do indeed, as their title seems to indicate, belong on a nature show. They have their own strange habits, their own unique rituals and mating calls. Their habitat never differs; they rarely leave the darkest corner of the park. Their behavior is usually predictable.
Usually.
Provided, that is, that they are smoking weed, and not whatever they were smoking Friday night. For something had gone horribly wrong my friends. Normally, as their name would imply, the Indigenous Smoking People of the park keep to themselves in their own mellow bliss. But now, no no. The Indigenous Smoking People of the park were disturbingly on edge. They hooted and shrieked. They bickered amongst themselves. They glared menacingly towards us.
It was at this point that I began to wonder what on earth had possessed me to wander back into the very park at which, less than a year ago, I had been robbed at gunpoint (in the company of three young men, no less). I began to doubt the effectiveness of my survival instinct.
Nonetheless, I was intrigued by the behavioral shift in the Indigenous Smoking People of the park.
The nature show started to roll in my head.
"Observe the Indigenous Smoking People of the park in their natural environment. Observe how they react to intruders. Observe how they answer the war call from the passing vehicle..."
Oh shit. Enter Van.
-Freeze Scene-
Van is that guy.
No not THAT guy.
Or that one...
The guy everyone knows. All across Chicago, people know Van. He's friendly, if a bit overly stereotypically black. He's hilarious, if prone to getting into terrible scrapes. He's of indeterminate age (most estimates hover around 24), and obscenely tall. He's the guy who throws an open invite pajama party for 200 people and then doesn't complain when his house gets trashed (Next on August 20th, for those in the area, though I will not be in attendance).
-Unfreeze-
So now, enter Van. Nature show comes screeching to a halt. Van, as he pulls up in his van (har har), decides to let out some kind of hurtling war call, presumably to alert us that only NOW can the party begin.
War call echoes throughout the park.
The hunt is on.
I fear for my life at this point. Van saunters up to the gazebo and, unaware of our horror at the scene unfolding behind him, greets everyone with gusto. Still unaware, he does a chin-up on the gazebo, promptly hitting his head.
Finally realizing that all of us are staring slack-jawed at some point in space behind him, Van turns around, only to see the Indigenous Smoking People of the park charging at us, full speed.
Did I mention that the Indigenous Smoking People of this particular park are also very proud members of a local Hispanic gang?
I try to remember what the appropriate way to address God is, since my life will be coming to an end soon. He does, after all, need to prepare for my arrival. It takes a while to find that much pudding.
Huh?
Ten yards short of the very spot I sit, they come to a sharp halt. One turns around and punches the other in the Solar Plexus.
Ouch.
The other responds in like. Not sure what is about to transpire, we start to back away, and the nature show blares in my head again.
"Observe how the Indigenous Smoking People have forgotten their initial target. Observe how they now turn on each other in a brutal carnal display. As two of them fight, one attempts to mediate the encounter.
Well now folks, look at this new development. Observe how the Indigenous Smoking Peoples' goals have evolved. The two aggressors appear to have banded together, and are now beating the shit out of the mediator. Observe what strange consequences nature can have. Nature is a beautiful thing kids."
At this point, Van found the prudence to direct all of our extremely lucky asses back to our cars and away from the Indigenous Smoking People.
Needless to say, I won't be going back to that park any time soon.
At least not without a video camera.
I can see it now. PBS would be glad to host "Nature's Encounters: A squirrel goes behind the veil of the Indigenous Smoking People to reveal this elusive species".
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-10-15 15:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:29:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Trout (user info) at 2004-08-04 14:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-03 00:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work Squrrel.
Indigenous smoking people of the park. Cool description.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-02 20:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Naw geoff, all the parks by us are nice.
This was farther out west, where all the jews live.
Submitted by Tenyuki (user info) at 2004-08-02 17:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is this -my- park also? 'Cause I have never walked in that park past 8:45 PM, except with a Christian youth group the summer before freshman year.
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-02 15:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-02 11:34:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't ruin your score, but synonyms for "Indigenous Smoking People of the park" and "Observe"
would have really made this shine. Sorry to be a literal Larry.
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Bah! That was the thing I appreciated most about the story.
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2004-08-02 15:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by gamma (user info) at 2004-08-02 15:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
teeehee
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-02 14:41:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks Boomslang, but using Indigenous Smoking People of the park over and over was supposed to have it's own effect. If I used synonyms, it would lose the sense that they were a species of their own.
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-02 12:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome, Viv. Awesome.
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-02 11:34:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I won't ruin your score, but synonyms for "Indigenous Smoking People of the park" and "Observe"
would have really made this shine. Sorry to be a literal Larry.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nature is a beautiful thing kids
hahahaha! well said!
Submitted by Envenom (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Full moon - all the explantion you need. It was the same around here.
When I saw this title I thought it was a Will Zone post.
Submitted by a_shade_of_grey (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Awko (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:17:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh heh heh
People near me suddenly seem boring.
Submitted by triple_optics (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:11:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:09:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JohnGalt (user info) at 2004-08-02 10:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-08-02 09:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by I_Have_a_Kristen_Fetish (user info) at 2004-08-02 09:55:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment