Help Squirrelmaster pick and edit her college essays (probably my last post) (2783 hits)
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Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (View user info) at 2004-08-26 15:31:44 EDT
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Hey ubersite,
It's been good, thanks for everything.
I may not be leaving this site completely, I'll still be around reviewing and reading, but it's about time that I stop posting. I can't say for sure yet.
While ubersite is a nice place to get an audience for my writing, I regret far too much of what I have posted here, particularly personal things. I never should have posted much of what I have.
This community, while great, isn't worth losing the people I love.
In addition, I have let far too much of this site be about gaining the approval of others for me.
I'm working on the whole approval-whore thing, so at least until I get that under control, you'll all just have to live without me (I know, I know, but you'll survive).
Thanks again guys,
Vivian.
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Now for this actual post itself, here's how it goes folks. The following three pieces of writing (which are ubersite based, so if they seem familiar, I apologize, two of them are old posts that I reworked, and one has many familiar ideas in it) are three college essays that I am considering using (I'm applying early decision to Yale in October).
However, applications request two essays. If you review this post and have read all three essays, please give me your input on which of the three would make the best essays to submit with my application. In addition, if you have any editing suggestions for any of the essays, I will also take those into consideration.
Finally, if you're good at titles, care to suggest any?
Thanks!
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Possible essay #1:
I am staring at her back, counting her ribs. She has to be fifty feet away from me, but I have absolutely no trouble picking out each individual bone.
In the dining hall later, with no sense of sarcasm, another girl picks the cheese and tomato from a lone slice of pizza and proclaims, "I am such a pig!" She eats three bites, pushing the rest around her plate.
This ballet school has an atmosphere that can only be labeled "permanent junior high" (complete with love triangles). Actually, all ballet schools do.
But with blood, sweat, and tears (plenty of all three) mixed in.
Blood, because you hit the floor. You can feel the pounding, flesh ripping. Because you're making it look effortless. Sweat, because the room is spinning. One more time, just one more time. So you do it one more time, with shaking legs, breathing heavily. Tears, because you are never good enough. Sometimes, you don't exist anymore if you don't get any corrections from an instructor. You flicker out. You don't matter, because you are not talented enough to matter.
Or so it seems on the darker days.
Everywhere you go, everywhere I've been, everywhere my friends have been (an extensive list from the School of American Ballet in New York to the Royal Ballet School in London), it's the same. The blood, the sweat, the tears.
The pianist may change, the studios may be different (though the scuffed grey Marley floors and the punishing mirrors remain constant), but the blood, sweat, and tears are always there.
This is not a few hours a week. This is your life, ideally. You wake up in the morning for it and you fall into bed exhausted for it. You live for this and this alone. And it is lonely work.
All for the moment of drained elation when the step is finally right. When your hip sockets finally seem to fall into place, or you find that one magical instant where you're suspended in the air. All for the split second in time when the folds of the curtain leave the floor and the air is heavy with anticipation.
But we are human beings. Human beings can't live off of moments of elation or anticipation. They can't live on air, in air even, feet never grazing the ground. We need substance. And these girls try so hard to be empty. Empty is clean, empty is beautiful in a heart wrenching way.
Sometimes you will see a girl with gorgeous legs, hyper-extended and long, and amazingly arched feet and ankles. A beautiful, smooth and streamlined body, perfect technique, jaw-dropping artistry and presence. She is effortlessly stunning.
It is not enough to experience beauty. It is never enough unless you are the one creating it.
Prayer will do you no good.
So you go back into the studio each day, and begin to work again.
Our familiar repetitions are prayer in their own right.
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Possible essay #2:
When Alice tumbled down the rabbit hole into a new fantastical world, she experienced only a fraction of what I do daily on my way to school. She met a gigantic caterpillar, but in one day I may come across a talented one-man band, a Michael Jackson impersonator, and my math professor. Growing up in Chicago, daily rides on the CTA, a public transportation network of trains and buses, have been a large part of my life. As an avid people-watcher, the time I spend on the train has an integral part in shaping my personality. Every day I take three trains. Each line fosters a different type of person, creates a different group dynamic, and affects me in a different way. Follow me...
The "brown line" starts my day, heading out from my relatively clean-cut north side neighborhood. Ironically, this is probably the safest line, yet harbors the most paranoia. The passengers are generally quiet, young professionals. They work exceptionally hard to play a very real game of pretend, imagine that no one else exists, and acknowledge the person sitting next to them only out of absolute necessity. I hover somewhere in the midst of all this, a complex mixture of onlooker and participant, fighting the desire to somehow smash the glass walls each commuter has created. I picture myself as part of some bizarre nature show on PBS. The voiceover whispers, "Observe the traveler in his natural environment, how he reacts and interacts," causing me to stifle a giggle. Oh how seriously we take ourselves.
Soon, I transfer to the red line, which takes me further into the rabbit hole than even Alice may have gone. As the train descends into the subway, I get closer to the warm and lively center of Chicago. It's here that I can sense the distinct rolling pulse of the city, if I stop to listen hard enough. And it's here, and only here, where I can receive deep lessons in life from eccentric panhandlers. The floors are dirty, the cars dimly lit, creating a uniquely gritty atmosphere in which no one is quite at ease. I watch closely - sometimes a crisp businessperson will deign to share a smile over the cheesy advertisements plastered above the streaked windows. If I watch even more closely, I stumble across subtle interactions and nuances. Where else will you see an impatient woman in a neatly tailored suit sharing a seat and maybe a greeting with one of the more permanent passengers - a homeless man catching a ride to everywhere and nowhere?
The last leg of my daily commute carries me to the blue line. Sometimes there are quiet days. I let the exotic characters and the intricate stories that trail behind them sweep past me. More often, students from my school coalesce into clusters to animatedly chat and inevitably drift away. This is when I set aside my role as observer and join in. This is when the rabbit hole starts to feel like home.
Alice, if only you had lived in Chicago!
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Possible essay #3:
When I say the words, "my sister", most people react with surprise. She's not someone I mention very often. Age twenty-three, almost twenty-four, she lives on the other side of the country. I look up to her in a fondly distant way.
Naturally, while she was still at home, I rummaged through her things, as was my duty as the obnoxious younger sister. I would steal into her room and flip through her diaries, thumb over her sketchbooks, pocket her extensive music collection. When she brought a "special friend" over, I locked them in a room and read them a book about sharks. Since I was five and couldn't read, this involved lots of fabricated gore and sound effects.
Recently, I found myself rummaging through her things again. It didn't feel invasive anymore; this was her left behind life, and I was merely looking at the bits and pieces.
High up in her closet, wedged in between photography portfolios, were several shoeboxes. Shoeboxes hold important things, as I've learned from years of invading the privacy of others, and so I took them down and set aside an afternoon to explore their contents.
In the boxes, in rough chronological order, were envelopes and envelopes of old photos.
Some of them were familiar, others were more private, but together, they gave me a strange insight into her life.
You don't realize how little you know someone until you sit there and go through the things they never meant anyone to look at. This wasn't a photo album; people tend to edit and emphasize certain aspects of themselves when compiling a formal set of photos. These were raw and unorganized.
I had always focused on our differences.
She was the classic beauty; a mass of curly red hair and alabaster skin. Darker and less striking, it was hard to measure up to her.
She was the epitome of all that was hip. I was dorkier than seemed humanly possible.
But here I was, going through her life, and we didn't seem all that different. Common experience makes all our memories mix and mingle.
There were the milestones, of course.
High school graduation. Proms. College graduation.
But there were also random clippings.
An old boyfriend poised on a couch with his guitar, gazing up and towards his right, looking every inch the teen idol and rebel without a cause.
A close-up on the back of her neck, freshly pierced.
Nostalgia, by definition, is a personal emotion. Yet here I was, looking at things that haven't yet happened to me, or just didn't happen to me, and feeling nostalgia over them. Here I was, almost sad over the fact that my sister, still so young, had passed all of this and couldn't go back.
Once in a while found an empty envelope. I would pick up the darkened negatives and try to discern what was on this roll of film. Each empty envelope reminded me that these photos were just scraps, they didn't form a coherent picture, as much as I might will them to.
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If you got through all that, you rock. If not, I'll take whatever input you have now.
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-21 12:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by GlitchCowman (user info) at 2004-12-21 11:09:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh? Haha, I just thought you might want to know, and since I don't post anymore I don't really have a way to let people know except AJ, and no one likes AJ anyways.
I mean...go AJ?"
no i LIKE it when salt's rubbed into my wounds
please,
do not desist!
do, DO persist!!
(i still haven't actually read this post btw)
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-12-20 18:24:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"I got into Yale!"
oh RUB IT IN
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-27 03:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just popped by to say
hi!
Remember this one? http://www.ubersite.com/m/33058
xo
Submitted by butterball (user info) at 2004-10-20 20:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-10-01 01:03:35 (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh come the fuck on, a "I'm leaving Uber" post by fucking OLAS?
I can understand Apollo and WillZone making one of these, but you, fuck, you're not NEARLY up to par with the better writers on this site to make me sad your leaving.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who is Apollo?
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2004-10-13 22:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry you feel like you have to go, Squirrel. I didn't get to know you that well really, but you seem like a great person who has a lot going for her. You should have no trouble gaining acceptance wherever you may seek it.
Good luck.
Brad
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-10-10 13:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you poopsie, keep in touch! Kai070169.at.hotmail.com. Ubercon Van '05? My wife says you can stay with us heh heh heh!
Submitted by Slypher (user info) at 2004-10-01 01:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh come the fuck on, a "I'm leaving Uber" post by fucking OLAS?
I can understand Apollo and WillZone making one of these, but you, fuck, you're not NEARLY up to par with the better writers on this site to make me sad your leaving.
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-09-25 13:03:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU SQUIRREL?????
AIM?????EMAIL???????UBER????
AHHHHHHHHHHHHH
All the uber ladies are leaving.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2004-09-14 22:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good luck with the application. By now you know that applying Early Action (have they changed it to Early Decision? It used to be non-binding...) increases your chances substantially. The circumstances have changed pretty considerably since I went through the process, so I'm not sure what constitutes a "good" essay anymore. But I can say that the Alice/Chicago one struck me oddly and is probably the least suitable of the three. Be prepared to elaborate charismatically during your alumni interview.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2004-08-27 04:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that cat about to transform into something?
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-27 04:15:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That bloody cats eyes are freeaking me out man.
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2004-08-27 04:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
While ubersite is a nice place to get an audience for my writing, I regret far too much of what I have posted here, particularly personal things. I never should have posted much of what I have.
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Here, here. I am also guilty of that.
Come back every now and then, won't you? Good luck at Uberschool
I'd call essay #1 - Spinning Wheel (its my favorite Blood, Sweat, and Tears song)
Essay three was the next best. I have no title suggestion for that, sorry.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-08-27 03:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Being a recent veteran of the college application process myself, I can sympathize with all that you're currently going through. It has been my experience that it's best to write something that doesn't focus on yourself, but allows the reader a certain insight into you. In other words, write about yourself without writing about yourself.
For that reason, I liked the third one. The first one was also very well done, and has a lot of potential, but I would discourage the use of the parentheses () in your essay. If you want to make a comment on something, work it into your writing...use commas, rewrite sentences, etc.
Writing about life experiences, especially things that have changed your perspective on things, is also a great topic to write about...shows how you've grown and matured as a person and shows that you're open to new ideas...
If you have any more questions, email me:
espo.at.dartmouth.edu
Espo
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2004-08-27 01:01:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
they arent essays.
Submitted by dakingisdead (user info) at 2004-08-27 00:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would probably go with the Alice and Photograph stories.
The first is still good though and there is no reason why it shouldn't be picked either.
I guess you need to decide which you personally have more afinity with.
The only problem I see here is the second story when you get to the Blue line you sort of do not round it out as much as the other two. So that makes it look like you have not spent the effort to finish it.
So having said that maybe stories 1 & 3.
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2004-08-26 22:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wie dieses Sie anordnen kann Sie sein kann keines Nr. soviel anordnen, das Sie nicht ich Sie denken können sind das beste möglicherweise oder, Sie saugen jede Weise Sie sind, also kühl ich ich denke, daß i einmal einen Welpen hatte, aber ich ihn tötete, also Sie ihn kennen müssen wasnt meine Idee, auf Deutsch zu schreiben, also ein Sandwich sich bilden Sie und die Krusten esse und mir den Rest ja ja ja ja gebe
Submitted by nowaycj (user info) at 2004-08-26 18:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Title the first story "Living On A Prayer".
Interject brief notions about prayer throughout story. Such as after the 2 paragraphs,
"Prayer won't make you thin."
After "And it is lonely work." Add "Prayer won't give you a life or companionship."
At the end, change the last line to "Our familiar repetitions are the only prayer we need."
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Remove and title the second story the last line, "Alice, if only you had lived in Chicago!"
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Title the third story "Nostalgia, by definition, is a personal emotion."
Remove the sentence from the line, and change it to "Here I was, looking at things that haven't yet happened to me, or just didn't happen to me, and feeling nostalgia over them."
Change "Once in a while found an empty envelope" to "Once in a while I would find an empty envelope".
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That's just my opinions though, so you can take them or leave them :)
Nice stories and good luck with whatever you have going on.
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OH!
Could any of you who follow my posts please hit me up with a fast email at ohlookasquirrel.at.yahoo.com?
Submitted by ohlookasquirrel (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks y'all.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2004-08-26 17:27:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good luck.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first one.
Submitted by Laura B at 2004-08-26 16:50:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The first one is very, very beautiful. Use it. You don't know me.
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha I got in trouble when I told Uber I shagged a stripper then my gf read this. I expect you ad the same problem ..... fuck it. Dont tell about your personal life on Uber
Submitted by RideJohnnyRide (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:36:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I remember loving the first when I read it, the 3rd is also great.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:21:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the first one. I think it truly says something deeply important.
Maybe this will make you laugh...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/41201
Good luck with your essays, I know you will do great.
Submitted by CornerNoob at 2004-08-26 16:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Its very hard to pick which to go with. If I only knew what the school is looking for, I might spot it here in these three essays.
Submitted by 91teggyRS (user info) at 2004-08-26 16:17:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i saw go with the third one... i remember reading that post i liked it
Submitted by youarsoghey (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first one is much more clever, I think.
Submitted by Spookster (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn! It' so hard to choose.
Definitely the first one though.
It'll be sad to see you go. (Even if you have no idea who I am)
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the one with the nudie puctures...
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?!? IM NOT READING ALL OF THAT
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:41:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll look at a squirrel and go "oh" on your behalf.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There can be no sex post fridays without you...
seriously, good luck in all that you do.
love always
Munkey
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:40:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good riddance ! Just joking... Good luck wherever you are little lady
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-08-26 15:34:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll take care of the kids whil you're gone. I might lose one but I promise I'll lose the one who's most annoying.