Larger Than Life (746 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.42 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jenbee<imissemoboy.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2004-11-03 14:07:42 EST
I pass it everyday on the way to work. That stretch of the interstate lying in wait. It haunts me.
At night on the way to meet some friends in the city- I see it again, illuminated in floodlights, swarmed with moths and gnats and clouds of other flying insects. I do my best to avert my eyes when I pass it, change the radio station, start digging in my purse for something, convince myself that my cell phone may be ringing.
Soon after it happened it became an inside joke between my friends, family, and myself. I know they mean well when they do their impressions. The surprised look, the knowing smile. I think I may have laughed the first few (hundred) times. Now it's just getting old. As dilapidated and peeling and sun bleached and graffitied as it's origin.
It's been there so long, people recognize me on the streets. "HEY!! You're the Ooopsie Girl! HAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!". I just duck into the nearest shop and pretend I didn't hear them.
I can't believe I let him talk me into it. June of 1998. My best friend, Matt, got a job at an advertising firm here in the northern area of the state. His first campaign needed something, a face, a smile, something to connect you with ad. You know, to let you know you're not alone... someone "normal", but still photogenic. He turned to me.
His lament, it was pathetic, but his eyes were just so adorable when he pleaded..."But, Tiff, I NEED you to help me out! If this goes well, they'll finally respect me! I need to start pulling my own weight at the firm- bringing in some money, some more jobs!"
My response was still the same deadpan "Fuck you, Matt. No.", regardless of the pleading blue of his eyes.
Soon, after weeks of begging and pleading and picking up the bill for dinner, I gave in. I started feeling guilty. My reasoning was, It's not that big of a deal, and I could bring in some extra cash- that could never hurt. Why not help a friend?
He never really told me what the ad was for. In hindsight, I should have been more suspicious of his aversion to talk about that aspect of the job. He always just said "Hey, it's a free three hundred bucks, just go let them take your picture, it's that easy!"
And, it was. I woke up bright and early the following Saturday and drove into the city. I went to the fourth floor of the building that stood on 1754 State Ave. and waited in the reception area. Make up was easy, just the basics, really. Nothing dramatic, just a little eye liner, some brownish eye shadow. Getting my hair done was comparable to going to a salon and paying eighty bucks to have your hair "professionally blow dried". A big let down. Just a slight curl under, framing my face. Wardrobe was a similar experience. Khakis pulled up high on my waist and a tucked in polo shirt. A leather belt strung through the holed and fastened. The outfit was finished off with a pair of white Keds. Hell-llo soccer mom.
I went out into the studio. It was just a small room, all white, with three men standing behind a camera. They positioned me, snapped a few photos and then sent me home.
Six months passed and I forgot about the whole thing. At the rare moments that I did have the time to remember, I quickly wrote it off; they must have found someone else, lost the photos, the ad campaign went under, etc.
December 1998.
Late for work, speeding down the interstate. Just as I flick on my blinker and begin to move into the left lane, something catches my eye. My eye catches my eye. My big, twenty foot wide eye catches my eye, to be more than exact. I swerve back into the right lane and pull over. I stare through my cracked windshield in a state of wordless surprise. There I am, larger than life, right hand pressed to my smiling mouth, a knowing look in my also smiling eyes. I look like I'm on the brink of a wink to make even Betty Boop jealous. Up above my head in purple and yellow is a cloud-like lettering of the word "Oopsies!". Below my hand in a blank corner of the billboard is the tag line "We're keeping her secret, let us keep yours!".
I am aghast. I am the poster girl for a (then) unpopular brand of adult diapers! I glare at me smiling at me. My life is over.
Christmas rolls around and everyone has seen the billboard by then. I get wrapped gifts from friends who thinks they are being clever; a package of Oopsies. Or, even more clever, a package from "the competitors!"...a package of Depends.
It's been years now. The jokes are a little more sparse, peppered in between conversations at the pub we all visit. I heard a rumor they are going to take it down soon, replacing it with an ad for a new tire shop opening up downtown. I could only pray.
User Reviews
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2004-11-05 21:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story!
Submitted by Shizae (user info) at 2004-11-05 21:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Monarch (user info) at 2004-11-05 20:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Come on, Jen. I'm still waiting for you to post the picture to this one.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-05 17:31:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-05 11:18:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-05 10:43:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
you look like someone i know.
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Is your name really Tim? I knew a boy named Tim when I was in middle school. Maybe it's you!!!
GASP!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-05 10:52:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought maybe this was another Shlongy tribute post...but only this time, about my penis.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-05 10:43:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you look like someone i know.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-04 10:41:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:34:20 (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahah!!!
You're still hot.
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Siren, you are a babe among babes. Let's do lunch sometime.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2004-11-04 03:57:19 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2004-11-03 22:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Stick around.
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2004-11-03 20:55:40 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't even read it.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-03 20:07:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF?!?!
NO PICTURE?!
CHEAP BITCH
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-03 19:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahah!!!
You're still hot.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-11-03 18:22:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AwesomeJohnson (user info) at 2004-11-03 15:12:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for trying to post something funny on political day
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-03 14:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That was funny
Submitted by StonedSilly (user info) at 2004-11-03 14:09:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Show.. Please.. Boobies?