"Clean up on Aisle Five..." (977 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.91 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jenbee<what.if.I.was.just.dreaming?> (View user info) at 2004-11-19 12:18:34 EST
Yesterday, I went to the health food store.
I bought a 15.00$ bottle of Kava Kava juice. It is a blend of kava, chamomile, and some
juice of some plant.
It tastes like mud, rotten chamomile, fermented juice cocktail and I guess kava, though
I am not sure really what the true taste of kava is.
After three shots, I was so sick, I nearly threw up. I decided enough is enough and went
to the store. On the way there, I was clucking my tongue, astonished at the staying power
of the taste. My lips, tongue, and throat were numb. Did I take enough?
I walk into the store, happy. Glowing with anticipation. Soon, I would be feeling the fruits
of my labor. I wandered past the banks of registers and into the deli.
Sudden confusion!!!
I wasn't...high.
I wasn't... feeling sedated.
I was...confused.
I paced in front of the deli case for a few minutes trying to remember where I was. "Whoah.
This place has weird lights...Ohhhh Fuck. Where am I? Stupid kava."
I meandered through the aisles a bit, enjoying the newness of the local grocery store.
"Can I help you?" A friendly face peeks out from a Little Debbie display. She is clad in a
green polo and black pants. Her shirt is embroidered... "Holiday Quality Foods". She is
donning probably five pins. Something about beef. Something about service and smiles or
something.
"Ohhhh, no thanks, I'm fine."
Smiling, she approaches. You know her kind. Perfect family, perfect hair, perfectly helpful
and cheerful Christian.
"Are you sure? Are you looking for something in particular? I could find it for you. Just
go grab it?"
"No. I'm really okay. I'm just-" I point down the aisle and turn on the balls of my feet.
"Oooooo! Could you use some dinner suggestions?" She takes a few hasty steps toward me and grins, "Today we are proud to be serving Boar's-"
"No. Really. I..." I remind myself to stay pleasant. The short pause I took to breathe was
too long. She was talking again.
"Well, over theeeeeere," she points at the freezer section, "we have Swanson's new crock pot classics. My personal favorite is the-"
"Karen? Is that your name? Look. I don't need any help! I'm fine, really."
"..." She is hurt. "Are... are you sure?"
"YES!"
She simply returns to her station, stocking the ho ho's. Psycho.
I walk by her on my way to my destination. She stops me again.
"Are you completely-"
Before she has a chance to finish, I rip a summer sausage off the shelf next to me and yell
like a banshee. I spin the sausage over my head and after getting some momentum going, I
slap her across her face with it.
Her mouth goes slack. Karen's eyes are huge, a look of daze and shock glazing over them. A
bruise is forming on the side of her face already. Her slender hand travel up to what I have already deemed her "cock mark". Her fingers graze the bruised flesh.
I stand, panting, holding my sausage in both hands in front of me. I look at her, expressionless.
The silence is thick on aisle 5 (party snacks). So thick, you could cut it with a...cutting...instrument.
Holding my gaze with an intensity only someone who has just been bitched slapped by a sausage
can, she slowly moves her hand from her face. She holds it evenly, reaching straight out.
The fire in her eyes grows deeper. Her fingers wrap slowly around a large green bottle of
Perrier.
With the speed of a stock girl, she rips the bottle off the shelf and shatters it on the
corner of a lower shelf. The ground hisses and fizzes, glittering with shards of the green glass.
"Oooooh, so you want to do this, bitch? I'll fuck you up..." She wields the jagged glass like she's done this before. She sinks her hips into a fighting stance not unlike something you'd see in Kill Bill. Her velcro fastened Keds crack a few pieces of glass and she moves over them.
Uh-oh.
I fucked with the wrong Christian.
I scramble for something more lethal than ten pounds of meat log. Running to the end of the aisle, I slide to a stop. Someone has been mopping. I pull the mop out of the mobile bucket/wringer outer thingy and unhook the mop portion. I am left with five and a half feet of splintery doom. Plus some metal stuff at the end. That has potential.
I stalk back to my foe. I realize why I picked the mop. I see I have a similar weapon to that of Kilik. (If you play Soul Calibur)
I am going to ruin her shit.
Time slows. I stand before her, my stick resting on the ground-yet still poised.
She acts fast, lurching forward, she slices up my arm and across my upper chest with deft skill. Blood pools at the edges of my wounds.
A simple retaliation is all that is in order here. I raise my stick and strike a blow that lands all the way from her temple to her cheek. Her head whips to the side and a small amount of spittle escapes her mouth.
"Try me, cunt." I grin, evilly. I haven't had a good fight since the fourth grade.
Throwing away logic, we run toward each other, weapons flying.
I tackle her and we fall to the floor. Her back lands on the piles of shattered glass, my hands catching what her back didn't, I slide and struggle for grip on the floor, my bloodied hands painting the ground. I straddle her and quickly pull as much glass out of my hand as possible. She regains her wits and starts swinging, landing a punch on the right side of my face. She's stronger than I thought. I am knocked off of her and slide into the cheese case.
I crawl for my stick, reaching, I am so close. It's only inches from my finger tips. My fingers wrap around the sanded wood. Smiling, I begin to stand.
"Ha, you stupid slut." The now glass encrusted soles of her Keds come down on my knuckles like the hammer of God... A sickening crack. She grinds her heel into my hand slowly. I squeeze my eyes shut and grind my teeth. She stands above me laughing, glee in her eyes.
I drop my ass to the ground and stretch my legs in front of me. I am now folded in half, and I don't have a lot of leeway. I pull myself forward with my pinned hand and get just enough wiggle room to kick her knee cap with my heel. Her leg buckles in a most unnatural way and she collapses, screaming.
I jump to my feet and resort to street style. I begin to beat her wildly with my stick. Her ribs, face, legs, and arms all get the same attention from my doom stick. I begin to laugh wildly.
"WHAT, BITCH! GET UP! COME ON! FIGHT BACK! AHHHHHHH HA HA HA HA!"
She curls up into a tighter ball and begins to sob.
"...please..."
I hear her sheepish voice just over the steady beat of my heart in my ears. I slow, then stop. I push my hair out of my face, now red and hot.
I blink, drop the stick. I slowly walk toward her, leaning down to listen for breath or sobs. I don't hear anything- I lean closer... Did...did I kill her?
I kneel down and roll her onto her back.
Her eyes snap open like a brain eating zombie as she sits upright.
Shocked, I punch her square on her nose. Blood explodes all over her face as she drops onto the cheap linoleum with a dull thud.
I stand... and walk away. I turn my head once and look at the carnage. I break into a sprint and run out of the store.
I fumble for my keys and drive away.
That bitch got bled all over my favorite Dior bag.
http://www.wbfoods.com/schweigert/schweigert_media/BFSUMSA1.JPG (0 bytes) [application/octet-stream]
User Reviews
Submitted by Jo_of_the_golden_P (user info) at 2004-11-24 01:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh heh heh
kickass
Submitted by Scarlett13 (user info) at 2004-11-23 11:05:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ardubs (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:48:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful imagery!
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-11-23 10:30:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 4 joo
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-11-21 00:01:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's right!!! That's MY girl!
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-20 23:45:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I have never seen survivor.
But I'm glad that it helped paint a picture.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-11-20 00:03:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for soul calibur.
+1 for using the phrase "That bitch got bled"
i think i love you.
so what am i so affraid of?
im affraid that im not sure of.....
a love there is no cure for.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:11:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Here's another plus one for ya.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/52192
Submitted by Socialist_Joe (user info) at 2004-11-19 22:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sleeping
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-19 21:56:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
er...
WTF
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2004-11-19 20:21:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
not entirely horrible
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:01:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay. I am suffering from Friday stupidness today.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-19 19:00:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
*aisle
have another +2 for my bad spelling.
Submitted by engine13 (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:58:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. Girlfight in the party snack isle.
Submitted by TheRocketeer (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:54:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
How old are you?
Since I'll almost definitely forget to check your reply, email me.
mike.elias17.at.gmail.com
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:54:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I was just about to ask "Okay, who was watching Survivor last night?"
have a +2 to keep your score up
Submitted by strider (user info) at 2004-11-19 18:48:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Was bored last night, watching Survivor. They had Kava and one dude was acting much as you described so I had a really good picture in my head while reading this.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:52:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
FATALITY!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2004-11-19 17:02:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Kava tastes like chicken... and Kava.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-11-19 15:20:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was pretty good. And you get bonus points for being friends with a few of my friends.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2004-11-19 14:32:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Daaaaaaaaaamn, that was good.
Not only were there a lot of truly funny little gems in there, but you write action sequences really well too.
All around great job.
FLAWLESS VICTORY!
Submitted by CJRipley (user info) at 2004-11-19 14:29:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-11-19 14:24:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
clever
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story..
everbody keeps calling what she used "html" i thought it was UBB.....
Where's Fetish when you need him
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:37:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:05:51 (#)
Ranking: 2
and then you make out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sorry. Siren is the only lady in my life.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-11-19 13:05:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and then you make out.
Submitted by cleanfornow (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:53:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Her slender hand travel up to what I have already deemed her "cock mark". Her fingers graze the bruised flesh.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
awesome story!
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Kava. I heard it made you feel awesome. Total waste of money.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:51:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I didn't take the 40 seconds necessary to read this but on occasion, I like to grab the cash register microphone, in say a Wal-Mart or Target and bellow, "Clean up, Aisle 5", just for giggles.
Sometimes, I even use "Aisle 6".
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I'm completely amazed. That you paid $15 for a bottle of Kava juice. Why the hell would you do that?
Submitted by FleetEnemaBadas (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:47:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
May i bend you over the register and do you...
in the pooper
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:45:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
KungFuKing AWESOME...
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:38:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
that was a sweet story. i enjoyed it.
I AM fun.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:32:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked..SOOO much ass..
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:30:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't use html!!
::sigh::
I just...attached...
Submitted by IamNotTheWorldTradeCenter (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Is is bad that this turned me on?
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:22:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HTML doesn't work on ths site sweetpea. Good story anyway. Fucking bitches.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-11-19 12:19:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
motherfuck.
Well, there was suppossed to be a pic of a summer sausage. Just pretend.