The Rob Factor. We all have one. (764 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.2 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jenbee<doctor.jen.makes.housecalls.> (View user info) at 2004-12-02 00:25:05 EST
[press play now]
Scientists have been exploring the mysteries of this hideous nuisance for centuries; perhaps even before time began. The Rob Factor, as it was coined by Doctor William J. Hoffman in 1962, comes in varying degrees and forms; the lesser form something we can all identify with. It's that one friend that keeps hanging around no matter how mean and spiteful you are to him, even ganging up on this foe in groups of six or seven will not show him the point- He will be deterred by no means.
Another example of the behavior of the low level Rob Factor may also be displayed while trying to do or read something online, though you are rerouted and sidetracked when someone inflicted with this horrible malfunction of the Idiougetimus gland IMs you constantly, spouting bullshit about how he/she thinks they may be depressed/suicidal/schtizophrenic/in a really good band/a good writer/unique/special/in need of professional assitance/about to die/having bad feelings about someone/in the throes of despair over parents or a sibling/smart/ has a friend who (insert totally insane, completely impossible stunt here)/or/ is "really really bored". Ignoring these IMs will not stop this person. Doctors recommend making small talk and being as boring as possible until they find better, more suitable victim to bother. Do not block them. They will simply resort to e-mailing you multiple times and filling your inbox with crap like chain letters that are something along the lines of: "YOU'VE JUST BEEN HIT BY THE WINTER-EEN-MAS SNOWBALL! THROW IT TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW! FORWARD THIS TO THREE HUNDRED PEOPLE AND YOU WILL GET A STRIPPER FOR CHRISTMAS! OR CHANUKAH! OR KWANZAA! OR WHATEVER!" followed by some cheesy poem by a nine year old special ed student simply known as "danny".
More serious forms of this malfunction could result in total meltdown if not treated with care. In the most severe cases you could end up with an acquaintance who follows you to parties only to spend the whole time sitting in the corner getting drunk, complaining loudly about how "lame" the party is and how they "fucking hate" everyone there. Verbal vomit such as this is often followed by something that resembles a toddler throwing a fit and the inflicted party retiring to a car to pout and mope for the rest of the evening. In some rare cases the person will return to the party 45 to 70 minutes later looking for drugs or more alcohol. If they find any, you'll be damned if you find them to have manners and smoke with the rotation. This person will usually camp on a pipe/water bong for several hits, each time claiming he/she "didn't get any", though you can clearly see the large clouds of smoke escaping their lungs in between short coughing fits.
The appearance of one of these individuals is very imprecise and could range from a schoolgirl in a cheerleading uniform, to a lonely emo kid with spiked hair and beat up converse. Most times avoiding Hot Topic stores, food courts, skate parks, punk rock shows, youth groups, and schools can virtually eradicate your chances of picking one of these characters up; or at the very least, prevent you from gaining any new ones. Personally, I prefer to not leave the house unless absolutely necessary.
Though their mannerisms may seem quite boorish, their heart seems to be made of sugar plums and fairy dust and mostly things that are good. It is for this reason alone that it is so hard for most decent, empathetic human beings to simply "kick them to the curb", as some would say. Once you are victimized by a Rob Factor sufferer, you are at high risk to become a host...to their social life. They are a parasite helplessly clinging to everything you say and do. You get multiple phones calls daily, always reminiscent of the call just ten minutes ago... "Whatch'a doin'? Oh, I'm playing some music I wrote. It's about the pain and suffering I felt in my soul last night when my little brother took the last taco and I totally called dibs on it. He took the rest of the 'guac, too. Little shit. Anyway, I'm thinking of calling it "Well Seasoned Misery (Why My Heart is so Black and I Will Never Love Again You Fucking Whore)". what do you think? Do you want to 'hang? I could play it for you". Other conversations may be something along the lines of: "Hey, I saw you at the mall today, I kept calling your name and waving and you just ignored me :( Was what really you or was I hallucinating? Sometimes I hallucinate. One time I went in my bathroom and there was blood all over the place and a little girl wrapped up in a towel crying. My mom didn't believe me when I told her. Do you believe me? Bro? You there? BRO?!?!?!"
As for the feared day you are found and tortured by the likes of a person such as this, a few tips have been compiled by the Society to Stop Idiougetimus Malfunction Sufferers From Living.
1. Never talk to a person of this nature for more than five minutes at a time, as they will develop misbegotten and very deep bonds with you quickly-Much like a person on a large dosage of MDMA (ecstasy). Do not leave any room for a potential "inside joke" or a "hey, do you remember when we..." situation.
2. Always keep pepper spray on hand in case of a meltdown. Warning signs of a potential meltdown could be any of the following: Weepy phone calls at three a.m. asking you why you hate them, random outbursts of anger displayed through punching walls or destroying something just to "see what it looks like inside" (includes small animals and children), an unusually cheerful mood (they are planning something), or the silent treatment.
3. Do not play dead. They will try to save your life by either giving you CPR, or they will call 911 immediately, while sobbing about how they don't want to lose their "best friend ever".
4. Try to keep yourself very drunk and heavily drugged through the duration of this encounter. It may last weeks, you have to be a trooper.
5. The last resort: pawn them off on someone else. A casual friend would work best, but even a coworker or bartender will do if you are in a stitch. This may be a dirty trick, but now you can rest easy knowing that your problem is now someone else's.
[end]
lonely.jpg (5 kB) [image/x-jg]
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-02-28 16:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
so, this is the end of you, eh?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-01-12 20:34:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hi!
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-09 11:21:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I struggled through to read this, it was very funny. Keep up the good work, but always stick little white spaces between paragraphs!
I know people think were just being mean when we say our eyes hurt, but my eyes are feeling sleepy now...
Laters,
Paul.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-02 13:23:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-12-02 10:55:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
And yes, I make house calls to Lauderdale.
=========================================
Awesome! Don't forget your bikini
This does mean we're gonna play doctor right? RIGHT?
Oh, and I know my last post sucked, check out my latest....much better.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/53224
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2004-12-02 12:23:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm 30 and still use "My mom doesn't think you are a good influence on me."
Shut up, I'm not that pathetic.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-02 11:23:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
-2 for it not really being a word:
Idiougetimus?
dictionary.com doesn't know it
im me: timdwpi
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-12-02 11:14:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ahh ha ha that's more like it!
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-02 11:07:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a +2 for containing a word i didn't know.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2004-12-02 09:19:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hard to get through, and once i did, i wished i didn't.
sorry jen
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-02 09:15:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
That first paragraph was unreadable, going along nicely with the rest of this post, I imagine.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2004-12-02 09:15:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha!
the absolute worst. I remember I used the excuse "my girlfriend doesn't like me hanging out with you" before. Made me seem like a whipped bitch, but saved my sanity. This guy used to "drop by" my apartment EVERY DAY, and UNANNOUNCED.
On a side note, do you make house calls to the Lauderdale?
Submitted by Jungle_Jimanee (user info) at 2004-12-02 09:11:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to be plagued by people like this for years untill I discovered how to get rid of them.
The act of boredom, poverty and angst is the most effective tool.
Setting them up with a partner is one of the best, though be carefull that you don't become the confidant. Once they ignore you infavor of their new love, you can accuse them of disloyalty.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2004-12-02 09:01:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Forget about the fucking terrorists. We need to blow up wherever these people live.
I'm guessing Canada.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2004-12-02 08:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahahahahahaha! I know a few people like this actually. I especially liked the bit about the loser pouting and crying in the car at a party (my best friend and I use that phrase all the time to describe pussies who don't get their way - "What, are you going to go pout and cry in the car now?").
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-12-02 00:39:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm thinking of making a new one, with 60% more white space between paragraphs. hmm.
Submitted by kai070169 (user info) at 2004-12-02 00:38:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHaT ARE YOU A DOCTOR OF?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2004-12-02 00:35:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm giving you a +1 because I liked the first paragraph (?) if you could call it that.
I couldn't read the rest, my eyes began to hurt. Seriously, I'm not being mean, thus the +1. My eyes really did start to hurt. Too many letters all jumbled together.
ARRRGH.
Submitted by JenBee (user info) at 2004-12-02 00:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Again.
What the fuck. I downloaded it. I attached.
I'm not using pictures anymore. No sir.