Getting Soap In My Dick Hole And Why I'll Never Jerk Off With Herbal Essences Again (8931 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.76 on 81 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Matt Maiorano (View user info) at 2004-12-03 13:28:02 EST
I think we all have our moments of stupidity. Sometimes, though, our moments of stupidity can cross over into the sexual realm, offering moments of hilarity that cannot be conceived of by the average bear.
I've jerked off with just about everything short of bits of glass and sandpaper. Don't bother trying to name other things I probably haven't spanked the Ramburgler with. You're probably right. But that's not the point of this post.
I've grown quite partial to using a bit of shaving cream to smack around my 21st digit whilst I'm in the shower. The good thing about shaving cream is how it stays slippery when wet, offering maximum lubage. It's glorious, I tell you. On top of that, you don't need a hell of a lot to stroke the meat puppet, so it's enjoyable AND economical.
Plus, I don't really use shaving cream for actual shaving. I go through disposable razors like a fiend, though.
But either way, it sure beats the looks I would get from my roommate if I walked out of the room with shampoo, razors, and KY jelly in hand.
Unfortunately, yesterday, I ran out of shaving cream. "Ah well, I suppose my jibberstick will have to go through a day without any loving. I'll live." I thought to meself. But ladies and gents, sometimes habits become routines, and it just isn't so easy. After a few minutes of standing around in the shower, not really doing much of anything, I finally gave in. I had to jiggle my all-beef thermometer.
Let's see.... I had to choose either a bar of soap, my handy dandy Gillette Mach 3, or my bottle of Herbal Essences. While the Mach 3 was looking pretty kinky, I decided that it had to go. And while the bar of soap was looking mighty attractive, I finally gave in to the Herbal Essences when images of some chick in a shower going "YES!! YES!! YES!!" pervaded my every thought.
So Herbal Essences it was. I applied copious amounts to my left hand, readied myself in the corner, and proceeded to lather up Girthy McGirth.
Oh, heavens. I began to understand the commercials more and more. I began to groan. My eight inches of throbbing pink Jesus swelled with pleasure. Faster and faster my hand moved as I thought about Asian schoolgirls, busty blondes, and Jasmine from Aladdin. My face turned skyward as I thanked the Lord for His gift to men.
And that's when my urethra began to burn with the fire of 1000 suns.
It was horrid. My images of MickGinny's redheads faded into images of seared penis flesh. My eyes went wide with pain, and water pelted my eyeballs. I began to rub my eyes furiously, forgetting that my hands were covered with Satan's fire.
The reaction was immediate. I began to wail like a schoolgirl.
"OH GOD!! MAKE IT STOP!!" I screeched.
I began to rub the soap into my eyes more as I tried to wipe them with my towel. But the fire in my fallopian fiddler was moving further and further down inside. The commercials lied to me. They promised me a pleasurable experience.
All I felt was death.
Apparently, my floor-mates heard my delirious screams and called 911. Legend has it that before they found me curled in a little ball, passed out on the shower floor, I cried out one last time, damning the company that made Herbal Essences:
User Reviews
Submitted by angryrob (user info) at 2006-03-07 13:40:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
oh shit..im laughing so hard im tearing up and everyones looking at me like WTF??? ohh thanks.. also the 8" part gave me a good chuckle too..
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:18:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My eight inches of throbbing pink Jesus swelled with pleasure.
---
I don't get this reference. But otherwise an hilarious post.
Submitted by HighVoltage900 (user info) at 2005-11-23 16:05:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Did you find out what caused it to burn? You know besides that skank in Dallas?
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2004-12-06 20:37:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-04 03:15:46 (#)
Ranking: 2
I use shampoo all the time. I must have a super strong dick hole.
------------
Do you use head and shoulders? that works, and doesn't burn neither.
my pubes are flake free!
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2004-12-06 16:25:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahhaha
I liked the various names you gave your pants snake
creative
GO BEARS WOO!!
Submitted by Degreeless_Capibara (user info) at 2004-12-05 20:37:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a feeling you did this just because you were thinking "it'd make a great uberpost."
Submitted by lovetohate (user info) at 2004-12-05 17:22:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That's awesome as hell
Submitted by BoogieFevuh (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:39:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We've all been there. Some shampoos do the trick, while the rest leave you scarred for life.
Pantine- yes!
Pert Plus- no!
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2004-12-05 14:05:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your poor dick...
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-12-05 13:57:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:34:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
Shampoo doesn't work either.
________________
Not true.
Submitted by Bizdorph (user info) at 2004-12-05 13:55:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a southpaw?
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2004-12-05 13:42:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Everyone's got the t-shirt.
Submitted by klebe (user info) at 2004-12-05 07:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:55:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
ITS MINE AND I CAN WASH IT AS FAST AS I WANT TO!
-------------
Hee Hee
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2004-12-05 01:50:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For many reasons, including empathy.
-Davros
Submitted by AlkalineSolo (user info) at 2004-12-04 23:38:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sadly, I have been the victim of a similar affair.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2004-12-04 23:12:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll take PMS, cramps, and childbirth over this kind of thing anyday.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2004-12-04 22:07:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I will give you the secret formula for my amazing jerk off juice. You will never have problems again!
1 part tabasco
2 parts Old Spice
1 part vodka
Mmm... warm.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-04 19:26:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:55:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
ITS MINE AND I CAN WASH IT AS FAST AS I WANT TO!
-----------------------------------
hahaha Lee, I will never forget that guy. He was priceless!
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2004-12-04 18:55:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ITS MINE AND I CAN WASH IT AS FAST AS I WANT TO!
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2004-12-04 10:10:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is hilarious.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2004-12-04 03:15:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I use shampoo all the time. I must have a super strong dick hole.
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2004-12-04 03:09:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Ramburgler? Good god y'all.
Submitted by FreshPrince (user info) at 2004-12-04 02:57:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:20:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
8 inches...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Huh? What's so funny about that, I thought that was about normal for an average white male...
I dunno, that's about me so I always thought it was nothing special... Maybe it is?
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2004-12-04 02:45:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Siren (user info) at 2004-12-04 02:23:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
... and, I'm spent.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 23:15:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:26:48 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:56:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:52:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
nothing like whackin it in the shower.
on a side note, this was a little shorter than what i was expecting
----------------------------
hahaha he wants to here more about how you whack it!
==================================================
Actually, munkeypants, I think the joke was about how little time it takes for maiorano to spank his monkey.
----------------------------------------
oh... heh. duh!
come on, I made a funny!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2004-12-03 23:12:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
on a side note, this was a little shorter than what i was expecting.
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Not that I would know, but do you hear that line often?
Submitted by CoachMagirk27 (user info) at 2004-12-03 22:49:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brother, Ive been there
herbal essences too
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-12-03 22:43:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Another +2 for Freakmagnet admitting he has a small penis.
http://www.jackinworld.com/howto/ht2.html#fist
Submitted by Slovin (user info) at 2004-12-03 22:33:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 before I read the rest because shaving cream had never occurred to me before.
Submitted by Freakmagnet (user info) at 2004-12-03 22:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My eight inches----Bullshit.
+2 Because I <3 shaving cream. The gel rocks my cock.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:26:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:56:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:52:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
nothing like whackin it in the shower.
on a side note, this was a little shorter than what i was expecting
----------------------------
hahaha he wants to here more about how you whack it!
==================================================
Actually, munkeypants, I think the joke was about how little time it takes for maiorano to spank his monkey.
Submitted by Timmah (user info) at 2004-12-03 20:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2004-12-03 19:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I sure hope you have a wife or live with a broad because if YOU'RE using that fruity shit for shampoo, you have larger problems than your penis hurtin'.
You're a homo, too!
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2004-12-03 18:57:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude!
http://www.ubersite.com/m/36762
Submitted by BalloonKnot (user info) at 2004-12-03 18:34:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sine we're talking about dickholes, I'd like to take this moment to point out that Dorothy aka Lojope has tasted more dickholes than Richard Simmons.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2004-12-03 17:50:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for using your left hand
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2004-12-03 17:11:16 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:56:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:52:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
nothing like whackin it in the shower.
on a side note, this was a little shorter than what i was expecting
----------------------------
hahaha he wants to here more about how you whack it!
----------------------------
HAHAHA! She can't spell Hear!
Submitted by Da_Blonde_Cajun (user info) at 2004-12-03 17:07:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It was all I thought it would be, and more. Lovin' the many ways to describe your manhood.
Submitted by Wuzi (user info) at 2004-12-03 17:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Da_Blonde_Cajun (user info) at 2004-12-03 17:00:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, dude, I had to +2 it for the title alone. Now to read it.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2004-12-03 16:59:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2004-12-03 16:48:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love a good masturbation story.
Submitted by L-Gizzle (user info) at 2004-12-03 16:10:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a friend who used hand sanitizer to jerk her boyfriend off. He did not have a good experience.
Submitted by Shay (user info) at 2004-12-03 15:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Always use lotion.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2004-12-03 15:53:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done Mr.Masturbater. Seems like you
should be the one staying after school for
some proper masterbation techniques.
Submitted by espo (user info) at 2004-12-03 15:38:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well done.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2004-12-03 15:16:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2004-12-03 15:09:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you managed to get a whole story out of this,
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:56:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:52:44 (#)
Ranking: 1
nothing like whackin it in the shower.
on a side note, this was a little shorter than what i was expecting
----------------------------
hahaha he wants to here more about how you whack it!
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:55:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The best part about this post is the fact that you use herbal essences.
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Any conditioner will do. But not shampoo, I'm not sure why though.
http://www.mellowe.com/bogusz/images/video/killerrabbit%5B1%5D.mpeg
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:52:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nothing like whackin it in the shower.
on a side note, this was a little shorter than what i was expecting.
Submitted by funkchomper (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:51:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been there, right down to the same brand of shampoo. I felt your pain, bro.
Submitted by SAECULUM.AUREUM (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:45:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry...but this needs a good -0- to calm down everyone's hormones.
Submitted by xenon (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:42:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You shoulda known, man. I learned not to use soap or shampoo when I was like 13 or something.
Submitted by Chinaski (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
nobody wants to hear about your Stickly McBicycleStand, Mr. Smallcockulous jr. esq. III.
Submitted by Zandy1123 (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:39:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
been there - not with E.E., but with similar soapy things...that shit HURTS!!!
Submitted by whataefag (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:29:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
at least you didn't use irish spring, like ... a friend of mine did.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:28:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+5 for the post as a whole.
-1 for the ungodly number of ways to say penis. NO man needs more than 3.
-1 for giving a description, no matter how minor. I don't want to know anything about your junk.
-1, because we don't have +3
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:11:40 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm aroused.
---------------------------
gah. Jared getting aroused by Matt makes ME aroused.
I can't be around the two of you! Ever!
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:25:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha. Shoulda gone with the razor.
Submitted by girlintheworld (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:20:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
8 inches...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:11:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm aroused.
Submitted by sockboy (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:10:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
hahaha, it still can't beat(no pun intended) the time i jerked off w/orajel and had a numb dick for 3 days
but if you want something good that doesn't burn, try pantene hair conditioner(works great)
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2004-12-03 14:06:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried aftershave once, far a bet. A few hours of searing, burning pain, but an eternity of awe and respect from my drinking buddies.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:53:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahahaha
Submitted by Crudite (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:46:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What haven't people got stuck in there?
Didn't CBG get Vap-o-rub in his?
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:37:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm I love my husband's shaving cream, it tingles my.....
er....
Look over there!
*runs*
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:36:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And that's when my urethra began to burn with the fire of 1000 suns.
HAHAHAHA
+2'S for
1) that line
2) the title
3) the 500 awesome metaphors for your man junk
4) admitting that you use herbal essences
Submitted by Zod (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:36:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You fool! You NEVER use shampoo or soap of any kind! What are you, a child? You must know these things in order to survive in life.
Now Herbal Essences Conditioner....You'll being oohing and ahhing in no time. Then the old German sex lady will come in and slap your ass right as you finish. Trust me, it works.
Submitted by MrWillard (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:36:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I peed myself
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:36:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:35:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminds me of the time I found out I was allergic to spermicide.
<shudders>
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:35:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Feijuada (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shampoo doesn't work either.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So worng... but i don't want to be right!
Submitted by MrPresident (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My first night in the White House I found an old cigar under the Oval Office desk. It was the strangest tasting cigar I have ever smoked.
Submitted by bargled (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
empathy +2
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2004-12-03 13:29:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA!
Stick to masturbating with ben-gay.