What do YOU do when you're bored at work and the Office Supplies Olympics (5509 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.59 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2005-02-21 22:42:18 EST
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such ubersite posts as "If I Cum Now, Will it Be to Soon" and "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules.".....
I'm not really Troy McClure (no shit). I was just para-phrasing Simpsons for comedic effect. Anyway, it has been a while. Somebody needs to fill me in on recent gossip: Hookups, breakups, honorable mentions of fellow uberers' achievements, deaths and dismemberments, impending deaths and dismemberments....
Speaking of members, I unwittingly clicked on a post on the most-heated recently and came across some ungodly pictures of male genitalia.
People of Uber, I emplore you:
NEVER DO THAT AGAIN! Pictures of topless men and women, fine. Pictures of asses of men and women, fine. But penises? Why, God, why? I do believe I have explicitly stated in a previous post why nude women and rated R and nude men are rated X.. In fact, it was entitled, "Why nude women are rated R and nude men are rated X". http://www.ubersite.com/m/18059. Man, that was over a year ago. And now I am rambling. Rambling because I'm bored, which conveniently brings me to the subject of this post.
We have all, of course, heard of boredatwork. If you haven't, shame on you for contradicting me. I do frequent ubersite and boredatwork when in fact I am bored at work. But my shirking is not limited only to the wonders of the internet. I have other methods of self-indulgence at work. The foremost of which is the Office Supply Olympics.
Oh, you heard right. The Office Supplies Olympics. And it all started...
With the staple-remover.
Or staple removers, I should say. I started out with one, but I couldn't find it. I opened the drawer in which I stored it halfway, didn't see it, and like any logical male would do, I then assumed it was stolen. So, I ordered a new one during our office supply replenishment orders, in which we write needed items on a list that is circulated around the office. That list is then forwarded to the office bitch to order from Viking Office Products. I then call up Viking Office Products, because I am, in fact, that bitch. Hence the "clerk" aspect of "accounting clerk."
Of course, after receipt of said shiny-new staple remover, I happened to open my little drawer ALL of the way and then, of course, I had two staple removers.
Really exciting story so far, ain't it?
About a week later I was trying to log on to ubersite, only to find that such web-surfing had been blocked by my employer. An accident, to be sure, as my boss could only achieve such a technically dubious task....(or should that be dubiously technical?) on the computer by trying to do something else. Alas, the consequences were still the same:
THWARTED! Thwarted from my daily shirking. In my frustration, I slammed my fist down upon my desk, and inadvertently hit my staple remover and launched it three feet into the air. Surprised and pleased with the unprecedented event, I gleefully grabbed my older staple remover and launched pounded it as well, this time getting a height of four feet..
The rest, as we say, is history.
He have the staple-remover high jump. We have the staple-remover long jump. How do you excel in either? It's all in the wrist. We have staple-remover free-style gymnastics featuring triple back flips.
There are many events that don't involve staple-removers as well. There is the yet to be named seeing how high I can fling a rubber band without hitting the ceiling, or rebounding off the ceiling or wall to ring-around a pencil propped up in the adhesive tape dispenser....sort of like an off-the-wall office-supply version of horse-shoes....except with rubber bands. Same rules.
One of my favorite, and probably one of the simplest games, is probably the "Let's see how many pages this hole-punch can punch," which is usually followed by the less fun: "How the fuck do I un-jam a fifty-page tax return out of the hole-puncher without destroying it." There is a similar game involving the paper-shredder, but with more devastating results.
Oh! That reminds me of my most brilliantly conceived Office-Supplies Olympic game, "Speed Shedding." The paper-shredders we have are on casters. We also have a couple really old pin-fed printers. Put the two together, and you have a office gambling frenzy. Just string the pin-fed paper across the room and into the shredders. Turn them on, and watch them shred their way to the finish line. (It does work, but I've only tried it with one shredder on a smaller scale.
That's about it for the Office-Supplies Olympic games, but there is one other diversion in which is indulge in almost daily.
3D Space Cadet Pinball. I'm sure you've seen it. It is usually between Minesweeper and Solitaire in the regularly bundled Windows game.
I know more about 3D pinball than I do about Final Fantasy 6, and that says a whole fuck of a lot. Well....maybe not more than Final Fantasy 6, but certainly more than Final Fantasy 9.
I know the proper names of all of the table components from the Center Post to the Hazard Target Bank. I know the objectives of every mission from Alien Menace to the Cosmic Plague. I execute precise timing upon launch to light up the first three deployment lights to acquire the 75,000 point Skill Shot. I know that hitting the medal targets is the most high-risk maneuver for center-draining. I know that a soft, poorly aimed shot into the launch ramp can also result in the ball rolling back and center-draining, BUT I NEVER MISS THE FUCKING LAUNCH RAMP!
I can Reflex shot to the launch ramp EVERY fucking time I want. I know that if you want to hit the second mission light, the best way to do it is to launch the ball into the first wormhole and hold the left flipper up as it shoots back out in order to ricochet the ball off the left and right rebounds and back to the mission target.
I know that three shots into the hyperspace ramp gives you the life-saving Center Post, a forth will get you an available extra ball, and a fifth shot with activate the gravity well. The other way to earn an extra ball is to drop all three medal targets three times in a row. You want to know my high score? Eh? You want to know my high score?
YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCKING KNOW MY HIGH SCORE!
So, what have we learned today children? We learned that office supplies can be fun, and I am a fucking guru in 3D pinball. But what yours truly wants to know is how you spend YOUR boredom at work (besides at ubersite, obviously)
And if you would like to drop a little bit of uber-gossip with your reply, it would be greatly appreciated. And I also solemnly vow to never show my penis on ubersite.
Unless I am really, really, really drunk.
User Reviews
Submitted by zxcvvcxz (user info) at 2006-02-09 06:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I also enjoy staple removers. I like to pretend they are hungry little animals and paper is their helpless prey.
I was, however, more interested in the pinball bit. It's an excellent game. Scores of under 20 million are unacceptable.
Submitted by goose (user info) at 2005-05-17 14:39:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2005-02-23 19:54:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What's new? I had a post with a positive rating: http://www.ubersite.com/m/60340
Who am I? You don't know me... I'm still a noob I guess... 12537... It's good to have you posting again.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-02-23 00:25:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Long live Phil Hartman. Oh shit.
Submitted by Tigre (user info) at 2005-02-22 22:44:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to have you back
Submitted by yermom (user info) at 2005-02-22 18:11:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am a master of doing nothing at work, please see the short list.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/48548
Submitted by Lechuga (user info) at 2005-02-22 16:34:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I got a score of over 8,000,000 in that game. If your score is higher, I bow to you. If not, I AM AWESOME.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2005-02-22 13:15:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
not bad
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-02-22 11:21:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What about chair races? we have them in our server room.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:50:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a wicked crush on Jonukah.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2005-02-22 09:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You really do need to read over your post, some sentences make less sense than my computer.
Submitted by BigCore (user info) at 2005-02-22 07:42:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good to see new material.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2005-02-22 07:18:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So did you get Uber access back at your workplace?
Or are you lazing lazily on your chaise longue..
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2005-02-22 07:09:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
hey! that weird label at the top says "pinball table something"
dammit, 160+ hours of my life wasted.
Submitted by mxc_jwebber (user info) at 2005-02-22 04:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I myself have never been able to manage more than 15 million, but my Reflex shot and extra ball gaining abilities are unrivaled.
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2005-02-22 02:50:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2005-02-22 01:02:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We should do shots again sometime..... except without me falling all over the place, puking all over myself, and disappearing for four hours.
Submitted by TheGreenLantern (user info) at 2005-02-22 00:21:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Jonukah... you still rule...
You missed out the most famous of office olympic sports though... the 100 meters of office olympics... the pencil tip balancing act...
I managed 7 seconds but I'm telekinetic.
Greeny
Submitted by intellismartness (user info) at 2005-02-22 00:17:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was beyond +2 worthy, random original and with a video game reference (even if said video game was one I've slowly gotten worse at as I play it more and more).
If this is what you come back with it's good to see you again.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:57:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Tell me that my hot ninja body isn't what you'd want in a hot ninja sex situation.
Submitted by WhoLetYouIn (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:43:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by chipolatte (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:35:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
That's not 3D space cadet pinball, that's like Excalibur pinball. I wasted hours of my life playing that game on my old iMac. If you get all twelve dots in the middle lit up, you then have 15 seconds to shoot it in the entrance ramp and get the holy grail. I think i may have done that, ONCE. i just about pissed myself.
Submitted by boneface (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:34:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I used to sleep in the back of a rock bin. Whichever bin was high in front and low in back is where I would nap. If I was lucky I got playground gravel, if not, quartz or granite.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I love the little quips they have on that electronic board like "jesus is lord of kicking ass" and "god rocks harder than you".
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:22:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to live in Springboro, so I know all about that damnable place.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:15:10 (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid Rock Church??? The one off of I-75 in Ohio?
I'm confused.
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http://www.ubersite.com/m/47562 the one right by Trader's World, they built this huge statue of jesus and it's hilarious. I snuck on the grounds and took pictures.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:17:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you plan that? Because it was clever.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:15:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid Rock Church??? The one off of I-75 in Ohio?
I'm confused.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:11:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:05:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
GLALL, how the fuck do you always get to posts first? Are you boredathome? Shouldn't you be breaking into the Solid Rock Church, or jerking off all over that hideous buried Jesus statue?
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I always finished first on any sort of test in high school, and I already went by that catastrophe once last week I don't need to see it now for another four hundred years.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And rmax. Try it, it's fun for just jerking around.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2005-02-21 23:05:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
GLALL, how the fuck do you always get to posts first? Are you boredathome? Shouldn't you be breaking into the Solid Rock Church, or jerking off all over that hideous buried Jesus statue?
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:58:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:47:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and opening up a can of sardines and just walking down the hallway shouting "I SHOT FRANK SINATRA". Good stuff.
_______________________________
BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHa!!
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:56:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Gossip? Eh, who knows.
I made MVA... finally.
Submitted by jonukah (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:55:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cheat codes?
Gmax and bmax I think, but it gets really boring when using cheats real fast
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:52:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There was an Ubercon in Australia. Well, Ainkara, IDDQD and I went out drinking.
~Fin~
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:51:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back, good sir.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:51:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is as marginal as most everything else you've written.
Then again, I've never found your wit to be especially rapier-like.
Submitted by Kazzerax (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:49:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I hit on the hot doorwoman. Hot door woman+being a male+
elevator with couch and emergency stop button=hot door woman
sex...or I masturbate in the bathroom.
Submitted by Tastycat (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:49:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for 3D Space Cadet Pinball
I'm at 29M+.. can you beat that?
Do you know the cheat codes?
Oh man...
Submitted by lojope (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:47:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
neat
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-02-21 22:47:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that's the most retarded thing i've ever heard. Ever heard of sleeping in the bathroom or making 20 trips to the break room for water? That's where it's at, man. Oh, and opening up a can of sardines and just walking down the hallway shouting "I SHOT FRANK SINATRA". Good stuff.