The Value of a Dollar (506 hits)
Category: UberMadness! EntryRating: 2 on 1 review (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by youarsoghey (View user info) at 2005-07-16 00:47:39 EDT
This post was an official UberMadness! entry. Click here to view the original matchup.
For reasons beyond ordinary comprehension, or at least any kind of comprehension ordinary, respectable people would not be caught doing, humans have evolved to a state that requires them to be social creatures, and it has become blatantly clear that those who go around muttering, "If I had my way, I would never leave my house," certainly don't stand much of a chance of advancing through life at any greater pace than not-at-all.
Landon Ferrell woke up every morning in his small, country house to the sound of an alarm clock that simulated the "cock-a-doodle-doo" of roosters. An improvement, he thought, over the alarm clock he used to have that simulated decent radio music.
As he stumbled out his perfectly ordinary bed, he slipped into his perfectly ordinary slippers, and proceeded to do perfectly ordinary morning activities before heading off to the train station to go to his perfectly ordinary job. What was odd about all this was that Landon Ferrell felt neither perfect nor ordinary as was evidenced by him constantly muttering, "If I had my way, I would never leave my house."
However, despite all his muttering and complaining, almost every aspect of Landon Ferrell's life appeared to be perfect, ordinary, or some combination of being perfect and ordinary at the same time. In other words, he did what he was supposed to do, and to most people that justified keeping him around despite the fact that he kept gazing maliciously at coworkers while muttering, "If I had my way, I would never leave my house."
Through a string of surprising, yet wholly obvious coincidences, the exact phrase, "If I had my way, I would never leave my house," is considered by the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar to be one of greatest compliments one can bestow upon another human being, especially if it is muttered under one's breath coupled with a contemptuous glare.
As it would happen, Landon Ferrell was employed as a Technical Computer Counter of Computations by the company that makes those little metal paper clips, and on this particular day, the company that makes those little metal paper clips had decided to host a function that celebrated the diversity of their clients. There were middle-managers from all across the globe visiting that company that makes those little metal paper clips.
Now, it is important to note at this point that the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar had a considerable trade in selling "I Survived the Mating Ritual Involving a Cucumber and a Stack of Coconuts While Visiting the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar" t-shirts to tourists. This business had become so impossibly huge that it was written about in Central Myanmar Business Weekly twice. For this business they needed to account for many sales and therefore had stacks upon even larger stacks of unsorted paper filling the huts which, for practical purposes, were made out of archived sales tickets. Since, according to their beliefs, their profits were based entirely on how neat their accounting department kept shop, when they discovered those little metal paper clips, their profits practically quadrupled overnight.
Oddly enough, just as a leading representative from the corporate powerhouse Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar, Ltd., passed Landon Ferrell's office, he heard someone mutter, "If I had my way, I would never leave my house," and, surprised, looked up to see that the man who had said it, Landon Ferrell, was indeed glaring directly at him.
Overcome with joy, the representative from the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar ran to the office of the CEO of the company that makes those little metal paper clips and professed his gratitude for instructing his employees on the customs of the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar.
The CEO subsequently informed his local congressman of the newfound allegiance from the friendly and prosperous peoples of the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar.
The congressman informed another.
That congressman informed an aide to the President.
The aide informed the President.
Within weeks, through a series of coincidences that, to some historians, absolutely without a doubt prove the existence of God, the United States Federal Reserve instructed all U.S. cities to import custom-made city t-shirts, such as "I Love NY" or "L.A. is O.K.," from the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar.
Despite the intended benevolence of this gesture by the U.S. government, the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar was suddenly inundated with t-shirt orders. Not only did they not have the capacity to make as many t-shirts as were ordered or any equipment that didn't have the ability to change the print from reading, "I Survived the Mating Ritual Involving a Cucumber and a Stack of Coconuts While Visiting the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar" to something else, but they also lost complete control of their rapidly increasing amount of sales papers, which was a clear sign, to this primitive form of business structure, that their profits were rapidly decreasing.
Many people say that perhaps if the U.S. hadn't burned all its bridges with its former t-shirt producers by ordering the American ambassador to China to moon a large gathering of surprisingly sensitive sweatshop workers, the following problems would have never occurred.
Since the decision to send all tourist t-shirt demand to the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar had, by all counts, been made rashly, nobody gave the slightest thought to the strange business practice of directly equating orderliness with profit. The Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar had, solely by their own wholly inaccurate count, gone completely bankrupt as people could hardly move about in the mess of papers and everyone was convinced this meant they were ruined.
Without the sales of t-shirts, arguably the backbone of the American economy, the stock markets crashed and plunged the country into a deep depression. The value of the U.S. dollar, which had been at one point nearly, but not quite, as valuable as the paper on which it was printed, plunged drastically on the currency markets.
As the dollar sank, so did the Yen, the Pound, the Euro, and practically all world currencies excluding the Gubar of the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar. However, despite the value others perceived in the Gubar, it was practically worthless because members of the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar refused to be seen near something they perceived to be so invaluable, which to them was still true since nobody had decided to clean up the mess of papers the t-shirt orders had caused.
During these weeks, Landon Ferrell had gone right on muttering, "If I had my way, I would never leave my house," everywhere he went. It was just as well to him that, as the world economy collapsed, he suddenly became unemployed. He no longer had any reason to leave his house because he was now equipped with everything he needed.
Just before the t-shirt disaster, the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar sent him a care package as a gift for being so nice to them. In it was a t-shirt with "I Survived the Mating Ritual Involving a Cucumber and a Stack of Coconuts While Visiting the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar" printed on it, 15,000 cucumbers, 20,000 coconuts, instructions on how to perform a certain mating ritual, and a "Thank you" note that expressed their gratitude. At the very end of the "Thank you" note was printed the former motto of the Grarnfy Clan of Central Myanmar:
"Let our prosperity not be ruined by a series of improbable coincidences."
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Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-10-30 05:40:08 EST (#)
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