ECRIME 101: Introduction to Internet Stalking, or How to Scare the Bajesus out of Teenage Girls. (4817 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.94 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2005-08-30 01:24:10 EDT
The internet has because such a dangerous place for the young and ignorant that law enforcement and parents are now forced to crackdown on their childrens' internet usage to prevent further victimization.
The good news: Teenagers don't listen to their parents.
As some of you may know from reading my posts, or as some of you may have guessed from my particular qualities, I have been known to frequent internet dating sights....frequently.
Hotornot is one of my favorites, mostly because it has been my greatest success in meeting unwitting young ladies. Far two many of these young lasses, however, seem to have no wit at all. They carelessly input all sorts of seemingly ambiguous personal information in their over-sexed profiles, and are practically asking to be stalked and/or victimized.
Ask, and ye shall receive.
(Names have been altered to protect the careless and ignorant. Hmm....what is a good fake name for an oversexed simpleton who is about to meet destiny? Maybe a stripper name......)
So I was perusing Hotornot.com , or, as COMPUTER might say: "ACQUIRING TARGETS," and I came across this profile of this chick, Bambi.
BRAIN: (Heh heh......good choice)
Bambi was cute, shared some common interest with yours truly, and was more or less local (I can't really search any more specifically than by age and State)
"Do you want to meet her?" hotornot asks.
Sure.
A day later, Bambi gets an email saying someone from hotornot wants to meet her, clicks on my profile, and says she would like to meet me.
Yay! We have a doublematch, which for those of you not familiar with dating websites, means we may now email each other through hotornot.
So I email Bambi, noting our common interests, how beautiful she is in her picture and how much I wanna do her, blah blah blah blah, and I close by dropping my email address and IM screename.
Half an hour later, Bambi Ims me.
COMPUTER: TARGET LOCKED
Bambi and I chat for a while, and I find myself completely shocked by how reckless she is being with her personal information, dropping names of people she knows and places she likes to hang out and seems unusually eager to meet me in person.
Now, I generally don't like the whole E-dating thing. I would skip straight from double-match dinner-an-a-movie if I could, but because of the dangers in this world, that is usually more than you can expect from intelligent, single women. Bambi, however, was throwing caution completely to the wind. And I told her as much.
And she was like, "what-evah." Like, totally.
COMPUTER: SEXUAL ATTRACTION: FALLING....FALLING....FLACID-
<flatline sound>
Yeah, by this point, I had made up my mind about the girl. So why not mess with the bitch?
I told Bambi that with what little information she had in her profile, let alone what she has said in the IM, I could probably find out exactly who she was and where she lived.
"Uh-huh"
I took that as a challenge.
nothing but her picture and the 50 or so words between her "keywords" and profile, I went google searching.
ITS GOOGLE TIME, BABY!
Just fifty words. And I only needed
three:
Springfield
Japanese Weapons
Karate
Hanover is a city in North Virginia about fifty miles from me.
I went to the new "Local" section of google, and typed in the following:
Karate loc, Springfield, NV
I came up with ten different dojos, each which conveniently had its own website. I then skimmed the websites to see which offered kendo, bojistu, or any other weapons-training, and I narrowed it down to two. One of them was about forty miles from Springfield, and the other was about 12. So, I searched the closer dojo a bit more thoroughly.
And what did I find?
A "pictures" section.
There was a recent picture of students, complete with a caption that listed each
person's full name in sequence. And sure enough, I found my doublematch.
All it took then was a short query into whitepages.com with her last name to
find her address and telephone number.
One picture, three words, and the power of the internet, and I found
Bambi's full name, address, and telephone number in five minutes flat.
Scary? Bwahahahahahahahahahah.....(sigh).
Naturally, my next course of action was to (YOU GUESSED IT!) drive to her house with a
old school 45 caliber six-shooter filled with blanks.
Oh, btw, this whole time I was still chatting with on AIM. By this point, the conversation had been steered to what was more or less virtual-sex, and I was just starting to get reeeeeally kinky when I pulled up onto her street. I then let her I had finished my search, and then in a very Clue-like fashion, I asked her if she was Bambi Smith with Kim's karate on Acme lane.
She suddenly appeared a little nervous. She stopped replying as frequently and then all the sudden she just signed off out of the blue.
Hmph. That was weird.
And then her doorbell rang.
Apparently not freaked out enough by my discovery to not answer
the door, I found it opening before me to her puzzled face.
"Hi, I'm Jonathan. I'm your doublematch!"
<The music drops>
She was obviously spellbound by my handsome visage, and she just sort of stood there, open-mouthed and wild-eyed.
I scratched an itch on my beard with my gun.
Her eyelids vanished.
"You know, I hate the whole E-dating thing, what with all the IM chatting and bullshitting. You can find out SO much more about a person in one moment of physical contact than you can in hours and hours of internet chatting. Don't you think?"
She didn't disagree.
"I like meeting my double matches this way. I find surprises very romantic. Don't you?"
Still no answer.
"You know, I must say, you are being rather rude. I came all this way to meet you, and you won't talk to me. I asked you a question. You are supposed to answer when somebody asks you a question. Why aren't you asnwering?"
The bitch didn't answer.
"FINE, you don't like small talk. I'll cut to the chase."
I pointed the gun at her face
I only keep two types of doublematches: THE QUICK AND THE DEAD! WHICH ARE YOU?!
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!
COMPUTER: TARGET ELIMINATED
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
<sigh>
What actually happened was as soon as I narrowed it down to those two dojos, I told her how my search was going and asked how I was doing so far, to which she replied, "Oh, Smith's Karate! That's it!
Argh. That sorta took out the fun of it all, and I gave up at that point. I didn't get around to the rest but damn, that would have been great, wouldn't it? Ahem.....back to character for my sign off.....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So completes ECRIME 101: Introduction to Internet Stalking. For the next course, ECRIME 201: Intermediate Internet Stalking, the following materials are required:
-Text: Jesus, Silicon and Jonukah: "Covering your Tracks," 5th edition, 2005
-One Old Ford POS
-One Craftsman shovel*
-One forty-pound bag of lime
-One Roll of Duct Tape
-One 50-foot length of rope
-One tea cozy
-One burlap sack
-Two No. 2 pencils
It doesn't HAVE to be a Craftsman, but if it is, it doesn't matter how many times you return it to Sears, bloody and dented; they'll keep replacing it with a new one.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moral of the story: Be careful with your personal information online. I'm chagrined that this is actually necessary to say. What kind of idiot would put up pictures of themselves on a website and tell....all sorts....of..personal.........a-hem
<cough>
Moving along.
http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=NYGRRSO&key=PEG
User Reviews
Submitted by evesapple (user info) at 2006-05-01 08:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah, it looks like you'd be a 4.5 or something.
according to that site anyway. you're definately higher than 4.5
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-09 21:52:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude, I just signed up at eHarmony, I spook myself whenever a new "match" appears on the screen... great date? nice person? internet stalker? bloody psychonaut? I'm getting rid of the account at the end of the month, just a lil too creepy for my tastes.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-11-26 08:09:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2005-09-05 09:04:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy Jonukah post, Batman!
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-09-03 09:49:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You need to send out an email when you post so I know to go read the damn thing.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-08-30 15:29:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"As some of you may know from reading my posts"
You post? When?
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh huh
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can stalk me all you want
But only if you promise to put out
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2005-08-30 11:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a scale of 1-10, you're in my pants.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2005-08-30 09:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-08-30 09:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh baby.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2005-08-30 09:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2005-08-30 09:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 NES gun
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2005-08-30 09:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Nice pic.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2005-08-30 09:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-One forty-pound bag of lime
--------------
Smart boy.....
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-08-30 08:39:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i have a ford POS.
Submitted by iradney (user info) at 2005-08-30 08:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2005-08-30 06:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweetness.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-08-30 06:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NES Lightgun is vurry cool. That said, if someone wants to find out about you on-line then they will. The internet only provides a facade of anonymity, in reality we are all lit up like beacons.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2005-08-30 05:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SuperComputer:*beep* "This post has qualified for a +2."
*click click*
*FLASH!* !+2! *FLASH!*
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2005-08-30 04:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She probably has that "rape fetish" thing. SHE WANTED YOU TO RAPE HER, DUDE! And you didn't! That makes you gayer than Bengay. And Ben is pretty goddamn gay.
That said, I need to try out some of that "internet stalking" business.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-08-30 04:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great!
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-08-30 03:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think that rating's been altered. The graph looks way too skewed to the left to end up with a 7.3
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-08-30 03:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"What kind of idiot would put up pictures of themselves on a website and tell....all sorts....of..personal.........a-hem"
^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
Mostly young girls from very small towns with nothing to do, or to look forward to, after
watching the 'real world' as advertised on TV.
Also other kids who have been marginalized by their parents, or other kids in their school,
and have yet to have their innocence or naivety ripped off by others.
A 0, because I probably was incorrect in sencing a mean sprit in this post.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2005-08-30 03:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice, a bit j-dateish, but still pretty cool. is it jsut me, or does it look like that graph is flipping us off?
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-08-30 02:25:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, and +2 for the return of COMPUTER
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2005-08-30 02:24:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It doesn't HAVE to be a Craftsman, but if it is, it doesn't matter how many times you return it to Sears, bloody and dented; they'll keep replacing it with a new one."
ive never brought back bloody tools. greasy, glue-covered, oil soaked, rusted, painted and even a monkey wrench bent completely in half (long story)... but bloody, would they actually take it? i mean, you've gotta have rules for that stuff...
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-08-30 02:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See you in Valhalla.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2005-08-30 02:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a higher rating than you do.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2005-08-30 02:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
" ITS GOOGLE TIME, BABY! "
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-08-30 02:11:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, the ghey menz here are going to have your hotornot rating up to 9.2 by Wednesday.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2005-08-30 02:02:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was great.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2005-08-30 01:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2005-08-30 01:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that it is always bad. It's never, 'Hey, what's that smell...Oh, cinnamon buns, awesome!'" ~ Demetri Martin
Except in this case, where I distinctly smell B@W.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2005-08-30 01:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Honey Dipped Jesus!
I first instinct was to ask "Are they realllllly THAT stupid?!"
Then I slapped myself upside the head and uttered "Well Duh!"
Maybe you should have scared her because she obviously doesn't "get it."
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2005-08-30 01:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can laugh again.