Going to India? Some things you should fucking know (9279 hits)
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Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2005-12-06 16:11:40 EST
India is one crazy ass country. Crazy like an escaped lunatic who broke out of an insane asylum with a spoon and likes mayonnaise with his macaroni and cheese.
I've been travelling India for the past couple of months and it's been absolutely amazing. I've befriended students, fellow travellers, cab drivers, and monkeys. I've gained an amazing perspective on life and lived experiences that I will cherish with me for the rest of my life. Of course, it's also good to be home again. Travelling in a third world country has its perks in terms of cost, but it also has its feces related disadvantages like people shitting on the street and then eating it. Okay, they didn't eat it, but they did lean in to smell, pull back in repulse, and then stand around and grin.
I stayed at various hostels and cheap ass hotels while travelling India, and one thing I became very fond of was the cockroaches. They are just...lovely. I thought I could relate to them because they are also brown, but they weren't having any of that. One strategy that worked well: smearing peanut butter on the wall that was furthest away from your cot. Two words: cockroach orgy. Most of the hostels I stayed at also didn't have a shower and by shower I mean a nozzle that was fixated at a level above of your head in which warm water sprays down on you. Instead, there was a bucket. Now the bucket shower is tricky because you can only really wash with one hand while pouring water out of the bucket with another. And of course, sex in the shower is interesting WHEN THERE'S NO RUNNING WATER. Another great thing about the washrooms were the lack of toilets which were substituted by "koodi's", loosely translated as "hole in ground." Basically, there was a hole, and you prayed that your aim was right, because if you were taking a shit, and you missed, well...let's just say, buffet night came a little early for the flies.
Another crazy thing about India is the fucking traffic and pollution. Though the roads are 20 feet wide, the road is shared with trucks, cars, bikes, motorcycles, cows, donkeys, goats, and people. Also, they don't have regular taxi's in India. They have these things called "auto-rickshah's" which are basically three wheeled yellow clown cars with no doors. There are also 6 billion of them on the streets, 5 times the population of India. The "law" requires them to only carry four passengers, but often you will see up to 8 school children in one auto. One time, the auto drivers went on strike because the government dictated that they can only carry up to six children at a time. This was sparked by an incident where an auto was making a sharp turn and tipped over, crushing two children inside. Remember, no doors. Also, If you go to India, never ride the bus unless you're a badass like me. There are no stops and no doors. People just jump on and off whenever they feel like it and will step on your face to get a seat. Also, they smell and will offer you candy. DO NOT TAKE THE CANDY.
And then there's the homeless people. Homeless people in India are aggressive and plentiful, mostly due to the booming population, lack of homes and lack of land. Sure, there are plenty of sticks and mudbark available, but even homeless people are lazy. And who needs houses when you can sleep on the comfortable dirt, using the local cat as a pillow. Need to pee? The world is your urinal! Homeless people in India will know in less then a millisecond that you are not actually Indian, just a Canadian born brown guy who is trying to find his roots. Consequently, they will hoard you like screaming girls at a Bon Jovi concert. And I've been to a Bon Jovi concert. So I know what I'm talking about.
Of course, India isn't all bad. One Canadian dollar is about 35 rupees, which goes a long way. I could get drunk off 39 cents, and that's 24 beers.
And oh yeah, the hash. Smoked a lot of hash.
I went to the barbers every week and got a haircut, shampoo wash, razor blade shave, and blow job for 2 dollars (blowjob not included). Steak is sort of expensive because Hindu people worship cows, but a good steak dinner in a fancy restaurant with potato and vegetables will be about 5 dollars or the equivalent of a triple with cheese combo at Wendy's and the after hours bar skank ladder is truly a rung above.
Also, there's a lot of multinationals working in major Indian cities for three to four month assignments who frequent the bars, so that highly increases the bangability factor. And of course, there's the Indian women. The thing with India is, the women are either extremely butt fuck ugly and toothless, or drop dead gorgeous. When you're in the bigger, more metropolitan cities, most of the girls that go out and party are the gorgeous ones. Also, it didn't hurt that I apparently looked like some Bollywood movie star. Finally, my bushy eyebrows come in handy!
And lastly, who can forget the Kakatiya Temple of Palampet aka the biggest and baddest Kamasutra temple in India. The outside of the temple is laden with wood carvings of men and women having sex in various positions. Theres a sign comedically placed on the temple entrance which reads, "Help Wanted. Positions Available." Those crazy Indians! I had the esteemed privilege of staying at one temple for two days when I was travelling with my cousin and have almost learned to will women to orgasm. And by almost learned, I mean clearly do not have the capability or skill to learn or ever achieve. On the other hand, even AJ can get laid at a kamasutra temple. I have been to the full moon parties on Koh Samui in Thailand, but if you want to have some crazy ass fornication sessions, these temples are like if you had sex with Jesus himself and God was tickling your balls during the whole thing. And then you punched Mickey Rooney in the face.
Overall, I hope you learned at least a tiny fraction of the vast sum of knowledge I have gained about this zany country. I now leave you with a picture of me and my blatant disregard for Indian federal law.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-02-18 05:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
how come this has 1000 more hits than the repost?
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-24 06:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:26:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see that picture grace this site. You on the other hand, I could give two fucks whether you're back for good or only here for a day. I'm big-time now buddy, I have fourteen brothels to run throughout the midwest.
Ahhhh, but seriously, I love the holidays and your tightly puckered chocolate factory as your backside sways in the Canadian wind of freedom. Want to come to Ohio next week for a con at mi casa? I've got like, well, maybe......it might be just me but still....
.....I just might come to Canada. I know I say it everytime we talk but godammit it's time...or not I don't know.....(sob) I'M A MESS WITHOUT YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:12:33 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
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