Going to India? Some things you should fucking know (9285 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.88 on 77 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2005-12-06 16:15:05 EST
India is one crazy ass country. Crazy like an escaped lunatic who broke out of an insane asylum with a spoon and likes mayonnaise with his macaroni and cheese.
I've been travelling India for the past couple of months and it's been absolutely amazing. I've befriended students, fellow travellers, cab drivers, and monkeys. I've gained an amazing perspective on life and lived experiences that I will cherish with me for the rest of my life. Of course, it's also good to be home again. Travelling in a third world country has its perks in terms of cost, but it also has its feces related disadvantages like people shitting on the street and then eating it. Okay, they didn't eat it, but they did lean in to smell, pull back in repulse, and then stand around and grin.
I stayed at various hostels and cheap ass hotels while travelling India, and one thing I became very fond of was the cockroaches. They are just...lovely. I thought I could relate to them because they are also brown, but they weren't having any of that. One strategy that worked well: smearing peanut butter on the wall that was furthest away from your cot. Two words: cockroach orgy. Most of the hostels I stayed at also didn't have a shower and by shower I mean a nozzle that was fixated at a level above of your head in which warm water sprays down on you. Instead, there was a bucket. Now the bucket shower is tricky because you can only really wash with one hand while pouring water out of the bucket with another. And of course, sex in the shower is interesting WHEN THERE'S NO RUNNING WATER. Another great thing about the washrooms were the lack of toilets which were substituted by "koodi's", loosely translated as "hole in ground." Basically, there was a hole, and you prayed that your aim was right, because if you were taking a shit, and you missed, well...let's just say, buffet night came a little early for the flies.
Another crazy thing about India is the fucking traffic and pollution. Though the roads are 20 feet wide, the road is shared with trucks, cars, bikes, motorcycles, cows, donkeys, goats, and people. Also, they don't have regular taxi's in India. They have these things called "auto-rickshah's" which are basically three wheeled yellow clown cars with no doors. There are also 6 billion of them on the streets, 5 times the population of India. The "law" requires them to only carry four passengers, but often you will see up to 8 school children in one auto. One time, the auto drivers went on strike because the government dictated that they can only carry up to six children at a time. This was sparked by an incident where an auto was making a sharp turn and tipped over, crushing two children inside. Remember, no doors. Also, If you go to India, never ride the bus unless you're a badass like me. There are no stops and no doors. People just jump on and off whenever they feel like it and will step on your face to get a seat. Also, they smell and will offer you candy. DO NOT TAKE THE CANDY.
And then there's the homeless people. Homeless people in India are aggressive and plentiful, mostly due to the booming population, lack of homes and lack of land. Sure, there are plenty of sticks and mudbark available, but even homeless people are lazy. And who needs houses when you can sleep on the comfortable dirt, using the local cat as a pillow. Need to pee? The world is your urinal! Homeless people in India will know in less then a millisecond that you are not actually Indian, just a Canadian born brown guy who is trying to find his roots. Consequently, they will hoard you like screaming girls at a Bon Jovi concert. And I've been to a Bon Jovi concert. So I know what I'm talking about.
Of course, India isn't all bad. One Canadian dollar is about 35 rupees, which goes a long way. I could get drunk off 39 cents, and that's 24 beers.
And oh yeah, the hash. Smoked a lot of hash.
I went to the barbers every week and got a haircut, shampoo wash, razor blade shave, and blow job for 2 dollars (blowjob not included). Steak is sort of expensive because Hindu people worship cows, but a good steak dinner in a fancy restaurant with potato and vegetables will be about 5 dollars or the equivalent of a triple with cheese combo at Wendy's and the after hours bar skank ladder is truly a rung above.
Also, there's a lot of multinationals working in major Indian cities for three to four month assignments who frequent the bars, so that highly increases the bangability factor. And of course, there's the Indian women. The thing with India is, the women are either extremely butt fuck ugly and toothless, or drop dead gorgeous. When you're in the bigger, more metropolitan cities, most of the girls that go out and party are the gorgeous ones. Also, it didn't hurt that I apparently looked like some Bollywood movie star. Finally, my bushy eyebrows come in handy!
And lastly, who can forget the Kakatiya Temple of Palampet aka the biggest and baddest Kamasutra temple in India. The outside of the temple is laden with wood carvings of men and women having sex in various positions. Theres a sign comedically placed on the temple entrance which reads, "Help Wanted. Positions Available." Those crazy Indians! I had the esteemed privilege of staying at one temple for two days when I was travelling with my cousin and have almost learned to will women to orgasm. And by almost learned, I mean clearly do not have the capability or skill to learn or ever achieve. On the other hand, even AJ can get laid at a kamasutra temple. I have been to the full moon parties on Koh Samui in Thailand, but if you want to have some crazy ass fornication sessions, these temples are like if you had sex with Jesus himself and God was tickling your balls during the whole thing. And then you punched Mickey Rooney in the face.
Overall, I hope you learned at least a tiny fraction of the vast sum of knowledge I have gained about this zany country. I now leave you with a picture of me and my blatant disregard for Indian federal law.
User Reviews
Submitted by thaumaturge (user info) at 2008-09-22 15:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-07-17 18:22:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
almost back on the mva...
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2008-07-02 17:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What happens if you take the candy?
I lived in Malaysia for two years when I was a kid. I kept a pet cockroach in a little cage.
Submitted by loan_officer (user info) at 2008-03-30 13:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-02-22 20:59:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
such a great post.
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-11-28 02:58:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
besides the cockroaches, this kinda makes me want to visit. not live there, but visit. why the hell not?
Submitted by nyxmar (user info) at 2006-10-08 15:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-07 11:13:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Are the cabbies American?
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-24 06:50:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-01-24 22:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved this.
I was only thinking today as i ate my lunch 'i want something to read online - uber used to be good for that' and then this came up this evening.
Write more dude.
Please.
Submitted by Bornloser (user info) at 2006-01-24 21:00:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good good
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-01-24 20:12:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
There are also 6 billion of them on the streets, 5 times the population of India
""
I love these lines that CBG comes up with.
Pure genius!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-01-16 17:24:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi,
This video is not exactly appropriate but it contains Arabic chants and I enjoy that type of music. Dunno why, just like the sounds of it. I figured maybe you could direct me somewhere to find similar stuff:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=3749026128784839151&q=sniper
Montreal's multicultural radio used to play arabic stuff on and on and I really liked it. Now it's just Greek stuff. :-/
Thanks in advance
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2005-12-15 02:11:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by boomslang (user info) at 2005-12-08 15:02:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Captain_Cool (user info) at 2005-12-07 19:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2005-12-07 16:53:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not sure if it was the stale urine or awesomeness, but one thing's certain - it reeks =)
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2005-12-07 13:14:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cockroaches... yuck
Submitted by ThatOneGirl (user info) at 2005-12-07 12:50:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The Fodor's guides have nothing on you.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2005-12-07 11:13:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Are the cabbies American?
Submitted by JackalFett (user info) at 2005-12-07 09:45:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet. Travel is so fun.
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2005-12-07 09:43:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool stuff. +2 for bushy eyebrows. I gel mine up on occasion.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-07 09:36:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know you don't exactly like me, but your Canadian opinion is required: http://www.ubersite.com/m/80122
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2005-12-07 09:08:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2005-12-07 08:55:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
CBG- WUD UP FOO!
Always a pleasure.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2005-12-07 06:42:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2005-12-07 06:12:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I thought I could relate to them because they are also brown, but they weren't having any of that."
Heh heh heh
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2005-12-07 05:36:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So you walked over to an Indian kid and said "Take a picture of me while I piss?"
Who paid who for that?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2005-12-07 05:16:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good for you.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2005-12-07 05:03:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm fucking jealous. Well I will be until I hit Africa in May.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2005-12-07 01:24:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You again.
Welcome back, dude.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2005-12-07 01:17:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:15:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:19:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap its CBG
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I'm glad you're back, man.
Submitted by crazyaardvark (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:59:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
More useful than Lonely Planet
Submitted by ellsmall (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:29:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Too bad the thugees stopped strangling random travellers, but I'm glad you enjoyed your passage thru India, whitebread.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:28:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah.
teh rock.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:27:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
you should have gone to a ship breaking yard as there are several in India
i went to the Alang yard in the state/province of Gujarat(sp?)
to watch a huge ship get rammed into the shore(@ low tide) from 10 miles out is
something i will never forget( you can feel it hit the 'beach')
and then to see a thousand dudes swarm over the sucker with everything from Cro-Magnon
tools to 'heat wrenches' and then start tearing it apart was a high point in all my
travels
the air/water pollution was only surpassed by the shit comming out of the smelters
i think i took about 100 pictures (1994)
i also remember smelling India....before we even landed
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2005-12-06 23:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you had me at mayo and mac&cheese,
now to go read the rest.
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2005-12-06 20:56:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dibidijua..
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:49:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Need to pee? The world is your urinal!
__________________________________________________________________________________
THIS made me laugh. Thanks for the virtual tour of the land of out-sourcing.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:26:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cool times
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2005-12-06 19:05:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:05:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
Posts like this make me want to pack a bag and go see the world.
-------------------------
Seconded. Let's go trekking
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:58:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
we've been sending a lot of jobs over lately - how are they doing?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:53:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
By the way, have you read House of M? If so, were you dissappointed with the ending at all?
PS if you haven't read it, you should.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:47:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I saw this movie about India back in fourth grade, maybe fifth.
I learned one thing from it...
That I NEVER WANT TO GO THERE! Ever.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:19:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Some asshole down the list just "lectured Shlongy" on my +1, which I thought was damn nice of me.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2005-12-06 18:15:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:19:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap its CBG
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I'm glad you're back, man.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:56:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you, come again.
Submitted by Deidra (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:53:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:39:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I smell my own shit. Who would have known I had that in common with the people of India?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:34:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't you have to get a truckload of vaccines just to visit? Doesn't seem worthwhile to me.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:27:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG I HATE APPLESE!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Required_Reading (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:16:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My father traveled to india in 1969 when he was 21 and a full fledged flower child, to meet (mainly) the Maharaji Mahkesh Yogi (spelling) and discover the meaning of life. I have this fucking awesome photo of him in the Lotus Position in front of the Taj Mahal, and if I can get my new scanner working anytime soon I will post a copy of it. Damned technology and my ineptness towards it!
Great post. I plan on moving to Cordoba Province, Argentina next year (if all goes as according to plan) so I really dig postings like these.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i don't even care what this says. you're cb fucking g
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:14:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:23:30 (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool. Get any Indian pussy?
=======
Whats with the +1 tool?
Submitted by lordofthedance (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:11:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
I'm going to Cambodia, Laos, Vietnam and China in a few days for a five week back packing session. I've been alot of places but never India.
Awesome.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:05:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Posts like this make me want to pack a bag and go see the world.
Submitted by RamJetMax (user info) at 2005-12-06 17:00:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
kick ass.
glad you are back.
miss your Z?
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:58:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good shit. (not the stuff in the street, but the post)
Good to see you made it back.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:55:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It seems I have given the wrong impression about India. It is an amazing place with beautiful scenery, gorgeous hotels and the brightest minds in the world, but I wanted to really experience the other side of the country to see what its like to live in the poorest of conditions. You really begin to understand how lucky you are to live where you do.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:51:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a shitty, shitty place.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:43:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
cockroaches
feces
remind me never to go there
Submitted by mush (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:40:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
in a 10 second period i watched a lady take a bright orange shit on a train platform (you read that right folks: ON A TRAIN PLATFORM) only to be interrupted by Nubby McNoHands poking me in the back with his nubbs begging for money. I tried telling Mr. McNoHands that begging is pointless unless you can take the money, and you need hands to take money, but he was having none of it... just kept staring at me waving his nubbs around.
India is the worst place I have ever been to.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool.
I'd love to see Asia.
Submitted by PokeyPecker (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:37:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Would you like please cherry slurrpee?
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The thing with India is, the women are either extremely butt fuck ugly and toothless, or drop dead gorgeous.
_______
same with middle eastern women.
nevertheless, great to see ya cbg
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:34:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Koodis are not just third world standards, even Kuwait has them. Granted, they are in a climate controled building and have nice tile for you to shit all over, but they have them.
Woe be unto anyone who eats to much curried rice and lamb, for you shall experiance what it is like to have shit all over your legs.
Its like trying to take a dump the size of Niagra falls into a thimble.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:30:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
IT IS GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK!
did you write this because of me? i like to think so:
"Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2005-12-06 09:10:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
so on a scale from 1 to dead, where the fuck have you been?
we need you now more than ever. "
my buddy went to india once. he said it was the worst place imaginable. also talked about pooping on streets.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:28:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it's ok, that was just the steroids talking.
Submitted by sg11588 (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:28:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking awesome.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:28:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like fun.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:27:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you tricked me you faggot, I already rated this!@!! this is nnot possible... a nger rage is filling up insid emy lungs.............fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Submitted by CHR15 (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:23:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
And oh yeah, the hash. Smoked a lot of hash.
======================
Is it as good as I am imagining?
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:23:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Cool. Get any Indian pussy?
Submitted by NotSteve (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You still don't know how to fuck?
Welcome home.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:22:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I bet they hated you because you're Ontarian, did they?
I would have :-)
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:21:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
...read the post? Crazy Greek mofo.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:19:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
holy crap its CBG
you fakkin guy, where you been
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2005-12-06 16:16:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
title reference: http://www.ubersite.com/m/51349