Musings on Fast Food (3924 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jonukah (View user info) at 2006-04-05 09:28:32 EDT
Like George Foreman, I'm back from retirement one time too many.. This time was prompted by an extremely flattering photoshop I saw just today featuring some statue, another man's spindly limbs, and my "O" face. I suddenly became worried about my image. Not because I was depicted humping a statue in Fruit-of-the-Looms, but because it suddenly dawned upon me: Does anyone even know that face anymore? Are any of the old faces here anymore, or have we all drowned in MSPaint**?
Razor challenged us to come back out of the woodwork, so here I am, with a fresh new rant about fast food:
Conundrum at Wendy's
What the fuck is up with a square patty on a round bun? Does this bother anyone else? If you're going to make a square patty, you should make a square bun. Seriously. It will save on packaging costs. Then start making square cups for fountain drinks. C'mon, it is inevitable. It can't be coincidence that I've seen a giant SpongeBob atop a Wendy's. Stop dickin' around and do it. Maybe then I'll finally stop thinking of you as the crack-baby burger.
Scientific Discovery at Wendy's
I've discovered that there are in fact four phases of matter: Solid, liquid, gas, and Wendy's Frosty. I don't want to know the ingredients, all that I know is that a Frosty is much like a nice pair of fake breasts: You'd think that they're full of dairy, but they're actually mostly fat, silicon, and other lab-created gelatinous material. And, like fake breasts, they're very tasty, but when you really get down to it I'd rather have something natural and healthy.
The Gas Wars aka the New Cold War
You know what I'm talking about. It is all but unavoidable when you are on long road trips. You see the signs with the outrageous prices, you're running on empty, and then it finally happens, and you have no choice: Your friend in the passenger seat lets one loose, and its on. You stop in at a McDonald's or Taco Bell and face off head-to-head. Engorging yourself with beef, beans, and cheese, your only hope is too accumulate so much gas of mass destruction in your body that you keep your neighbors from daring to release theirs. But, as in any arms race, there is no winner, everyone eventually loses, and the Swiss are laughing at you. Except this time it is the Swiss Cheese.
Quick! Don't make any sudden movements!
I know why you give a cashier at McDonald's a $10 bill and two $1s for a combo that costs $6.49: You want the $5 bill back. It takes up less space in your wallet. Yes it makes sense, but please spare the poor beasts. When they immediately hand you back your three $1s and tell you (in a low voice so as not to embarrass you), that you gave them too much, just smile, say "thank you" and take the freakin' extra bills. Yeah, I know you have to carry more weight, but what are you complaining about? You're fat already, eating that shit, and you could use the exercise. Don't take your self-hate out on the poor cashier. They don't know any better.
And enough of the God complex
And while I'm thinking about the cash transactions, don't play God. And don't play dumb, you know what I'm talking about. In mere seconds, you look at the price of the combo, move the decimal over one to the left, round, subtract by half, add to the total, and ABRACADABRA! Like walking on water, you know the exact total. But when you hand over exact change at the exact moment he tells you the total, you are going to shatter his entire belief systems as he stares at you like you just started spurting blood from your wrists and sprouting thorns from your forehead, and prays for the salvation of his soul. Like I said before, just take the damn change and get a little exercise.
The Higher-Ups aren't any better, either
At many McDonald's (I can't speak for most or all because the prices vary), it is cheaper to get three four-piece nuggets than it is to get one ten-piece. At some locations, it is even cheaper to get five four-pieces than it is to get one twenty-piece. Don't think about it, you'll hurt yourself. Just thank God for the dollar menu. Oh, and PLEASE don't try to discuss this with a cashier. You've already confused and frightened them. Math can kill. Math is the devil, remember that. It created catapults, nuclear fission, and other deadly weapons. Just leave them the hell alone.
Automatic Speaker/Headphone Output
Don't you hate it when you put your headphones on and turn up the volume for some porn on Windows Media Player and realize after you've shot your load that the headphones were actually unplugged and moans of ecstacy were blasting out of your speakers? Why are you looking at me like that? What do you mean, "what does that have to do with fastfood?" This isn't...OH SHIT! This isn't supposed to be here! ::DELETE DELETE::
**That comment was merely a pun, an abstract metaphor commenting on current trends, and absolutely does not represent in any form ANY bitterness or resentment that I was not bumped, but bitch-slapped off the #1 MSM spot. Really. It didn't bother me in the slightest. Excuse me, but I've got something in my eye. (Sniff) Don't look at me, DON'T LOOK AT ME! NO, STOP! COME BACK! LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME, I NEED YOUR LOVE!
(Sniff)
Ha! I know you missed me.
And just for old times sake...
A delicious narcissistic camwhore
User Reviews
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-22 18:59:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your sweater-vest thing is giving me a dirty look.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-07-22 15:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I weep for the loss of your hat.
:(
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2008-07-22 15:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR SEINFELD
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-07-22 14:59:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. A gay cowboy. Who would've thunk?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2008-04-14 15:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tool.
Submitted by Kashew (user info) at 2007-04-22 03:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still hot.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-08-06 13:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah, after photoshopping your O face, I didn't expect you to look so normal... Oh, and, sorry about taking your spot. I actually just meant to get on the MVM, I didn't ever expect to get the first spot.
Submitted by ChaosTheorySD (user info) at 2006-04-09 22:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For the record, I think "If I come now" is a better post than that other one.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-09 21:34:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another returns to the fold... welcome home brother Jonukah
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-04-08 06:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sucks you got bumped from the top slot. by pixel-art no less.
youre just gonna have to write another winning post. can lightning strike twice?
(whats with the hat?)
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-07 11:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-04-06 20:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got a purty mouth, boy.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-04-06 08:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fast food is eeeevil!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-06 05:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-06 02:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are a really good looking fellow.
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-06 02:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Actually, no, this is something Larry the Cable guy would have rejected as being "too dumb for his audience"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ugh.
Larry the Cable Guy.
Ugh.
I was disgusted that he actually has a movie.
Not another boring ass stand up movie.
But an actual movie.
WHO DECIDES THESE THINGS!?!?!?
I do not wish to be in a theatre full of white trash backwards ass hillbillies.
That is all.
Oh yeah, nice rant.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-05 22:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. Look at you all hot and clean shaven!!
<ejaculates>
Submitted by Lucylou (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:17:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Certainly delicious...
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-04-05 19:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:21:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
i was quite entertained.
i'd just like to inform everyone that jonuka is absolutely ripped.
that is all.
-tim
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Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:15:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
You should've put up the grey sweater picture.
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+2 for the two GHEYEST serious reviews I've seen in a long time.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-05 17:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt SURE this was gonna have been written by Jay
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2006-04-05 17:35:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I know why you give a cashier at McDonald's a $10 bill and two $1s for a combo that costs $6.49: You want the $5 bill back. It takes up less space in your wallet. Yes it makes sense, but please spare the poor beasts. When they immediately hand you back your three $1s and tell you (in a low voice so as not to embarrass you), that you gave them too much, just smile, say "thank you" and take the freakin' extra bills. Yeah, I know you have to carry more weight, but what are you complaining about? You're fat already, eating that shit, and you could use the exercise. Don't take your self-hate out on the poor cashier. They don't know any better."
I've never done that, but considering I have 41 dollars in 1's sitting right in front of me, I should start. Also, BRING BACK THE BEARD!
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-04-05 15:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Y HALO THAR BROKEBACK
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-05 15:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:29:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
MOOBS!
I remember.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-05 15:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That picture totally made me think of Brokeback Mountain.
Anyway, +2 because the square hamburgers at Wendy's have always freaked me out too. I don't even eat hamburgers or beef but it doesn't matter. I never have and never will eat anything from Wendy's because of the square hamburgers.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:43:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S NOT JON!
WHERE'S THE BEARD?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Mmmmm... Jam....
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-05 13:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let's see...
Popular user + high rating on post = -2 from alter.
Submitted by captaincrunch00 (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:54:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bunch of stuff Seinfeld would have said.
Actually, no, this is something Larry the Cable guy would have rejected as being "too dumb for his audience"
Plus another annoying camwhore.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:32:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
When those eyes met mine I felt really violated and dirty.
Is this rape?
_____________
I actually HEARD a voice say "How YOU doin'?"
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I bet he has a bag of snuff porn tied suspended over a five starred pentagram."
oops, i meant
"I bet he has a bag of snuff porn suspended over a pentagram."
five starred is wrong, and five pointed is redundant. i guess iwas just too carried away with my awesome jokes.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:25:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if i was walking down the road and ran into jon, here, i wouldn't think, "there goes a cool guy," i'd think, "jesus, what a douchebag"
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I wouldn't be thinking anything. I would be asking if I could feel his pecks.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:24:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Welcome back.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the female reaction to this post is startling.
if i was walking down the road and ran into jon, here, i wouldn't think, "there goes a cool guy," i'd think, "jesus, what a douchebag"
and i'd probably be making jokes all th way home
like...
now we know what happened to the young indiana jones
fits him like a glove describes that sweater, along with the half naked boy in his basement
meet Jonukah, the only gay hermaphrodyte.
I bet he has a bag of snuff porn tied suspended over a five starred pentagram
i bet he drinks diet water
who let the dogs out? we'll never know. that guy ate him.
no offense.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:16:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice musings. Don't know/care who you are.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-05 11:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:39:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is His body with Nicole3's face.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58407
He has an awesome build. Mmmm mmmmmmm good.
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that picture... it... it... IS F*&@ING HOT!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:54:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey there, cowboy.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see you're looking as dapper as always.
=)
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God those eyes just dissolved all my clothes...
how do you DO that?
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:39:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is His body with Nicole3's face.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/58407
He has an awesome build. Mmmm mmmmmmm good.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:39:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOOOO
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:27:02 (#)
Ranking: 0
if he's absolutely ripped i'd like to see him absolutely naked. fair nuff?
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sex please!........
I MEANT YES DAMMIT....YES.......errr...........
nevermind
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what?
When I eat McDonalds . . . well, okay, not WHEN I eat McDonalds . . . more like a couple hours AFTER I eat McDonalds . . . my farts smell JUST LIKE the actual McDonalds food I just a couple hours before. It's weird, man. I tell ya. Nothing else does that. Well, maybe brocolli sometimes. But mostly it's just McDonalds.
I LOVE WENDY'S FROSTEES,WOO!!
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU.ARE.SO.HOT.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if he's absolutely ripped i'd like to see him absolutely naked. fair nuff?
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Ha! I know you missed me.
And just for old times sake...
A delicious narcissistic camwhore"
Jesus, you know I just sit around here waiting for you to paste your mug up on my computer screen.
Here's a +2 because I know you put it up there just for me.
Camwhore isn't the right word. You're way beyond that. :)
Nice to see you posting though.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i was quite entertained.
i'd just like to inform everyone that jonuka is absolutely ripped.
that is all.
-tim
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should've put up the grey sweater picture.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Just because you're a returning member of the Uber Hall of Fame (Motto: "Inducting Internet Geeks With Too Much Time on Their Hands and Limited Social Skills Since 2001") I won't automatically give you a +2...even if this fast food rant was pretty much right on.
Because that's the kind of guy Shlongy is.
BUT WELCOME BACK JUST THE SAME!
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mmmmm...brokeback hat
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-05 10:01:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm edible plastic. i think the fourth phase of matter is plasma though. wendy's could conceivably be an unknown fifth.
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cowboy hats like that scare me.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:49:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:48:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:44:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wowza. Where have you been?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd fuck you.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://tinyurl.com/pttpw
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When those eyes met mine I felt really violated and dirty.
Is this rape?
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE HAT
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-05 09:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MOOBS!