If staring at boobies is wrong, I don't wanna be right (4879 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.38 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2006-04-12 20:19:28 EDT
I was coming home from a friend's 21st birthday party the other night. A little tipsy, I had ducked out early because I needed to wake up by 7 the next day, and seeing how the subways only ran until 1:30, I didn't want to miss my ride home.
I got into the completely empty subway car and collapsed into one of the seats, still relishing the great time I had at the party that evening. My head kind of hurt, and though I wasn't drunk in all senses of the word, I was hoping I wouldn't have a hangover in the morning because I needed to help my friend move the next day.
I closed my eyes and tried to sleep but it was of no use. I tossed and turned for a bit in the seat but the sandman just wouldn't visit so I straightened up, opened my eyes......
........and saw the most gorgeous pair of breasts I had ever seen.
All these alarms started going off in my brain. My senses were aflame. I stared in glorious
wonder.
They were a thing of beauty, I tell you. Double D's pouring out of a spaghetti string top with just the right amount of freckles peppered over the top of the cleavage. It reminded me of some metaphor I can't think of right now. I nearly creamed my pants right then and there.
Now, like many of you bumbling idiots out there, I didn't realize I was staring so hard and so long until the drool started dripping from my open mouth onto my shirt. I shook out of my mini trance and shot a quick glance at her face, hoping she hadn't seen me lusting over her hooters. Miraculously she hadn't.
Unfortunately, her boyfriend had.
"Hey, what the fuck you looking at?"
Thus is the danger of boobies my friend. You become so transfixed on one solitary point that you completely block off anything that's happening around you; this unfortunately included large Italian men.
I looked at him for the first time. Eeep. He was a fairly large man. He had one of those collar shirts with eight buttons open so he could reveal his thick black chest hair and gold chain. He was once hairy mother fucker. In fact, his facial hair didn't even stop at his Adam's apple. It just connected all the way down to the hair on his chest, like some hairy....path or something. I'm lacking on the metaphors.
"What?" I said as I wiped the remaining drool off my face with the sleeve of my shirt.
"I said what the FUCK you looking at my girlfriend for?"
"I was uh....just...you know...reading her shirt."
I squinted and pretend to read what it said. I was beginning to feel really drunk at this point.
"Ggggeeese? No wait....Guess. Right. Guess. See? I was just reading."
Something tells me he wasn't convinced seeing how he got up, grabbed me by the shirt, and pushed me up against the subway pole.
"Hey, watch it buddy this is a new shirt!" I said. I tried to say it all manly like, but it sounded more like a mouse squealing in terror.
"How about I fuck up your face and your shirt? Would you like that?"
He was "all up in my grill" as the kids say. His breath stunk.
"Well no...oh it was a rhetorical question," I said.
I thought about what to do. This man wanted to punch me in the face. Was I going to back down? No. Because I was a man damnit! I had too much pride for that. It was time to man-up.
So, I did what any self-respecting man would do if faced with a similar situation:
I faked a seizure.
In a matter of seconds, I become a mess of flailing limbs, bucking torsos, and rolling eyes. I felt the guy let go of me and so I continued to seize into my seat, gyrating like my life depended on it.
"Oh my GOD Bruno what did you do to him?!" I heard the girl say.
"Nothing!! I...I was just trying to scare him!"
I seized for a good ten seconds more before I finally stopped, ending my mini production sprawled across the seat. "What a great idea," I thought to myself. "Thanks alcohol."
"Thank God he stopped! Go see if he's okay Bruno," she said angrily.
I waited two seconds and felt Bruno's stinky breath as he leaned over me.
"Dude....you all right?"
Die Bruno.
KA-BLAP.
Spastic arm to the face.
"OWW MY NOSE!" I heard him scream.
I decided then to wake up, frantically looking around like a small child who lost his mother.
"Wha...wha happened?" I said, pretending I had no idea what happened.
The girl came and sat beside me. I could see the worry in her eyes. It was quite obvious she wanted me.
"You started convulsing or something. We didn't know what to do."
"Really? That's never happened before."
I pointed to Bruno who was holding his nose with some tissue. "What happened to him?"
"You punched him in the face by accident," she said.
"Yes....accident.....anyways, this is my stop! Sorry about the nose!"
I stumbled out of the subway and stood there as the doors closed. I could see Bruno staring at me, holding the tissue to his bleeding nose. The train started moving, and I began run along side, shaking uncontrollably like I was some retard trying to dance and laughing and pointing like a hyena.
Bruno=instant angry face.
So remember gentleman: if you are ever in a situation where the boyfriend of a girl whose luscious hooters you were staring at wants to sew your ass to your face, just do what I did:
1)stop
2)drop
3)and seize
I should also mention that as I walked home from the subway station, I tripped and fell in some mud, ruining my new shirt. What a bitch that karma is.
User Reviews
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2008-11-09 02:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wit_Critic (user info) at 2008-08-04 02:15:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, I love the retard dance at the end. Always good to see that pissed-off reaction.
Especially from the other side of a moving train...
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2006-11-29 10:51:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have to say, you make my days at work make me wanna staple my jugular a little less
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:31:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EdaphonE (user info) at 2006-11-28 10:44:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2006-11-28 02:50:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
noted. This should come in handy on those late night subway tips I have to take all the time. Gotta love that smelly PATH train.
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this story could never get old
Submitted by Emus (user info) at 2006-10-11 15:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by paint_it_black (user info) at 2006-08-18 01:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-07-24 06:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-07-08 18:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still good. WHERE ARE YOU COMICBOOKGUY? Get off the Wizards boards you fat fuck.
Submitted by Bob_Dole (user info) at 2006-06-12 05:46:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. I'm pretty sure i would sell a part of my soul to have seen that.
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-05-04 21:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
favorites list
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-04 21:12:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-05-01 11:24:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:41:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm glad i didn't read this the first time you posted it, because it fucking sucks.
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I love how this review was timed perfectly so that it's author didn't have a shitty post on the top of his record.
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HAHAHAHAHA, you nailed it. how i rate directly depends on the quality of my most recent post. brilliant detective work. you better inform ETS so he can expose me.
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-05-01 11:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:41:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm glad i didn't read this the first time you posted it, because it fucking sucks.
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I love how this review was timed perfectly so that it's author didn't have a shitty post on the top of his record.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i'm glad i didn't read this the first time you posted it, because it fucking sucks.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because the Lakers are going to beat the Suns
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it made me laugh. then again, im in english class.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
would have been better had there been some graphic accompaniment, but oh well.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-13 15:00:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jack11058 (user info) at 2006-04-13 13:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gali ma, gali ma, gali ma-shuk-ti-de.
GALI MA!
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-13 11:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We prayed to Siva to help us find the funny again. It was Siva who made you fall from sky. So you will go to Pankot Palace... and find Funny... and bring back to us.
Bring back to us.
Bring back to us.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-04-13 10:52:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was thinking about reposting all my stuff again, going backwards and ending everything with my first post, like the meaning of life. This +2 is for friendship :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))fag.
Submitted by Jimmo (user info) at 2006-04-13 10:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good I'll mention it to me Karate Sensei. However, here in England, thugs set fire to people in seizures...
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-04-13 10:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Soooo this is the first time you've posted in months and you have 600 hits on a repost and an obvious following that still follows you.
Start writing again, Uzi.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-13 09:48:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
still funny
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-04-13 09:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thanks for saving me the time of going through your stuff for a good read
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-13 08:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hehe. Who names their kid Bruno?
Submitted by nightshade (user info) at 2006-04-13 08:50:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
pure genius
Submitted by zakalwe (user info) at 2006-04-13 08:38:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have time to read this just now, but YES
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2006-04-13 08:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is good.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-13 08:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack
hes back hes back hes back hes back hes back
*does a little dance*
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-04-13 08:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Old post...New post...Who gives a fuck?
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-04-13 07:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-04-13 07:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had to check the user info to make sure it was you.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-13 06:40:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-13 06:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-13 06:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-04-13 06:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, I did what any self-respecting man would do if faced with a similar situation:
I faked a seizure.
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One of the survival tricks
Submitted by Donitsu2002 (user info) at 2006-04-13 02:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:22:52 (#)
Ranking: -2
You know better than to post old stuff.
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That's the pot calling the kettle black..
+2 to balance out this imbecile's hypocrisy
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-12 22:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'd rather have an update.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-12 22:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It reminded me of some metaphor I can't think of right now.
__________________________
There's a metaphor for the perfect tits?
Submitted by EntityErased (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You talk about boobles and don't add a pic, you get a -2Dcup.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You know better than to post old stuff.
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:10:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:10:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The reason I brought that up was this quote, by the way. Might make sense to mention that...
KA-BLAP.
Spastic arm to the face.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:08:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know it's a repost, but it was, sadly, the funniest thing I've read hear in awhile.
My friends and I play a game called "...To The Face!" in which some object (i.e. steel wool, textbooks, handfulls of salt, squeezed sandwiches) are shoved, thrown, rubbed in, or punched into an opposing player's face. You would then shout out "(object name) to the FACE!"
Best pulled off during the assembly where the guest speaker talks about suicide or depression.
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-04-12 21:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WHY DO I ALWAYS FALL FOR REPOSTS WHY I FUCKING CRY
DAMN YOU FOR THE TRICKERY
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I liked it better the first time I read it.
A good repost, but it warranted no more than a 0 from me.
How's India treating ya?
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A valid inquiry this man brings up:
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:41:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
You.
You were real good. Where'd you go?
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You.
You were real good. Where'd you go?
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I started reading this thinking "Wow, this is really familiar." Once I got to the part about you faking a seisure, I understood why. Meh, doesn't bother me. An old CBG post is better than reading a lot of the shit that's posted around here now.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I faked a seizure.
GOLD!
Submitted by disco_brad (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:32:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
re-posting old threads?
Submitted by Deconstruction (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
stop drop and seize
excellent
been a while hasn't it commie?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:24:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad you felt like it.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2006-04-12 20:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
felt like it