The New Black is Jesus Christ Who Just So Happens to Be Joe Piscipo. (2334 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by WiLL ZoNE (View user info) at 2006-04-19 22:31:44 EDT
The Greatest Gig of All Time
When dealing with one Mr. Will Zone there are 3 truths which holdfast.
1.) Will Zone lives and breathes the Orange and Blue of the NY Mets.
2.) Will Zone loves to entertain the masses as much as he loves to entertain himself.
3.) Will Zone loves English Muffin Pizzas.
Today's tale sadly does not involve English Muffin Pizzas.
Yesterday at work I get a phone call, I don't know the number (well, more like my cell phone doesn't know the number as who has waste brain and remember phone numbers anymore) so I let it go to voicemail. When the celly beeps and tells me he has a message from a stranger I immediately drop the baby I'm breastfeeding and listen.
"Hi, I hope this is Will Zone, um, I'm calling from SNY [the brand new Sports Net New York Channel which plays all the NY Mets games] and I got your number from Brian and I'd love to work with you for the Mets game tonight."
Instant Mets Boner.
"Give me a call and let me know if you are available..."
I jot down the number, tuck the giant Mets boner under my belt and call my new best friend.
"Hi, this is Will Zone, you just called me."
"Hey Will, what's going on? I got your number from your friend Brian and he said you'd be perfect for a segment we are doing tonight for the Mets vs. Braves game."
Note to the reader: It's Tuesday at 3PM.
Note to self: Buy Brian anything he wants.
"Really? Cool! What's the gig?" Those are the words I thought I was saying aloud but it came out more like an orgasmic squeal from the lipless mouth of an Asian woman with a horrendous stuttering problem.
"Pretty much we'll be going around Shea Stadium and you'll be interviewing Mets fans about the rivalry and why we hate the Braves. We need you at Shea at 4PM, can you do it?"
Reality sets in. I work in the Boogie-Down Bronx which is not 4PM-close to Shea Stadium, and to top it off, I have a really, really important rehearsal that I can't be late for that starts at 7PM. A Conundrum.
Do I say "take this job and shove it" and leave my work and then say "take this rehearsal and suck on it's wee-wee" just to do some fan-spots for the NY Mets. After 15 seconds of silent crying I tell the guy that there is no way I can do it with such short notice. I really can't time wise and business wise.
The guy is saddened. I apologize profusely. We then talk for another 15 minutes about what he does and what this bit is for and how much I love the Mets. I have him laughing.
"Dude, if it was any other day, the answer would be a resounding "yes." I just can't cancel my life with such short notice. I can't believe I'm turning this down. If you were doing the bit for tomorrow's day game, I'd be there. I just can't tonight. Sorry."
We say our "goodbyes" and "too bad's" and we hang up.
I punch the wall of my cubicle.
Everyone in the office is staring at me as I turn around about to tell them of the worlds worst missed opportunity. I excuse myself from the office to make love with a Marlboro. I coulda sworn I heard "Taps" performed by a lonely trumpet blasting through the office PA system.
I smoke a whole sniggy in what feels like one inhale. I bow my head down and begin to pray to my lord and savior, Mr. Joe Piscipo.
"Our father, Joey Piss, and all of his muscles, please grant your loyal servant, me, this one wish. Make this SNY thing happen in some way. Please. I've never asked for anything of you before, so please grant me this wish. I saw your film "Sidekicks" in the theaters for crite-pete! Yes, I was that guy. Hook a brother up. Zone...Out!"
A cool breeze on this otherwise sunny warm day blew by making my nipples tingle and sending street dust into my eyeball. At that precise moment my phone started ringing.
"Hello?" I pick up half expecting it to be Joe Piscipo.
"Hey Will, it's Tony from SNY. Tell you what...I like you. You know your Mets stuff and you were pretty funny on the phone, so I just rescheduled the shoot for tomorrow's day game. Can you make it? Say yes, you're perfect."
"YES!" I verbally ejaculate into the phone.
"Great, we'll meet at Shea tomorrow around 11am and we'll do it up. I'll call you tonight with more details.
--Click—
You know that scene when Charlie opened the Wonka bar and his face lit up when he saw the golden ticket? I surpassed that moment. You know that "oh my god" thought that goes through your head the moment you are about to enter, or be entered, for the first time losing your virginity? That was nothing. You know that feeling you had when you took all that Ecstasy at that rave you went to with your cousin in Hot-Lanta and you ended up making out with her for hours just because it felt so good? I felt better. Remember that feeling of awkwardness you felt at every subsequent family reunion whenever you talked to aforementioned cousin? Well, turn that awkwardness into gay (happy) glee and times it by a billion-million-zillion-ten and maybe you're scratching the surface of my happiness.
Well, fast-forward to right now. I'm home, after a long day of shooting fan spots at Shea Stadium for SNY. If you have the channel, check out Mets Weekly which airs this Saturday (4/22) on SNY (check your local listings) at 12:30PM. It also airs in a ridiculous number of repeat broadcasts through out the week. I'll be the husky guy in Billy Wagner #13 Home Jersey with a black blazer over it (because wearing a blazer with anything makes you a hell of a lot classier) interviewing fans all over Shea Stadium about the Braves and why WE hate them.
It wasn't a perfect day, the Mets lost 2-1, my face is lobster red with sun burn and we sat in traffic for 2+ hours heading back to the NYC office to do some VO's.
The details of the shoot might or might not make it to ubersite. (a collective "Oh Bummer" rings across the intraweb.) We'll see what makes it on TV, and I might be way too busy next week making appearances on all the Morning and Evening talk shows to celebrate my awesomeness and new-celebrity.
Fart.
Oh Uber, Thanks Jesus Piscipo!
Will
User Reviews
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-09-13 10:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You say posting like it's an active thing for me.
Nice to see you still think about me, sweetie.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-05-02 05:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so, like, when you say 'local favorite' do you mean just at your mother's house, or do you include all your immediate family?
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-04-28 08:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this saturday, 12:30PM, SNY
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-04-21 14:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
not this saturday, next saturday.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:58:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
we always look good at the beginning of the year....
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:49:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I told you ALL that Andruw Jones was the truth: http://www.ubersite.com/m/86820#1940742
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:39:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The mets look good on paper, but love to blow it down the stretch.
go redsox!
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-20 12:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure the Mets are chewin'it up right now but it won't last. Why? Cause they're the Mets. Which is why Mets fans get a stiffy every time their team wins a few games in a row - they've learned they have to honk when and while they can. But I got nothing against the Mets, I wish them well.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-20 11:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The "Mets" are baseball, right? Right?
Um... I'm happy for you.
English muffin pizzas rule!
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-04-20 09:28:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-04-20 09:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dave Wright had 4 errors. What.the.Fuck.
I went to high school with him. The 10 year reunion is already going to suck.
"Hey what do you do?"
"Oh, I found a curing process for cancer."
"Oh yeah? Not bad. Dave over there plays third base for the Mets and gets more ass than a public toilet seat. Cool guy, huh?"
***Mumbles***"Fuck Dave."
Submitted by WillZone (user info) at 2006-04-20 08:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-19 23:39:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
brewers beat the mets at home. BOO YA!!
and i thought the guy's name was brian. or was it tony? WHAT THE FUCK MAN??? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A 5 A.M.!!!!! WHAT ELSE HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME?!?!?!? "
My buddy Brian told Tony (the contact) about me.
The Brew Crew looks decent this year.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-20 00:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:41:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
that is very cool.
i kept imaging what i would feel like if it was me and manchester united football club.
nice one mate.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-04-20 00:09:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your life is getting good.
I find this acceptable.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-19 23:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brewers beat the mets at home. BOO YA!!
and i thought the guy's name was brian. or was it tony? WHAT THE FUCK MAN??? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A 5 A.M.!!!!! WHAT ELSE HAVEN'T YOU TOLD ME?!?!?!?
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-19 23:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm torn. On the one hand, as a rabid rabid sports fan I think you're awesome.
On the other hand, it's the Mets.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:50:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll watch. not because i want to see you, just because i love the mets.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is very cool.
i kept imaging what i would feel like if it was me and liverpool football club.
nice one mate.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1) Fuck the Mets...Fuck the entire National League, for that matter
2) By "entertaining yourself", I assume you mean "beating your meat raw, until you turn blue and pass out, or pass gas.
3) Yeah. We know about your love of pizzas and muffins. We've seen your picture, Louie.
I think that about wraps it up from down here on the field, Jim. Back to you in the booth.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2006-04-19 22:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SHUT UP JEW