If Stupidity Was Fatal, We'd Be Dead: Work Shenanigans At Its Finest (3827 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.63 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sideburns (View user info) at 2006-09-14 23:48:19 EDT
Okay, I probably just made a really stupid decision earlier this week. Not only did I secure myself with a job that would support myself and my family for the rest of my career, but the benefits were like none other. I walked away from BMW because it just "wasn't for me". I dont see myself inspecting and building cars for the rest of my life. I walked out on the best paying job I've ever had to go back to school to pursue what I really want to do. Nevermind what it is. I'm not telling you homos.
Nevertheless, during my few months there, I did manage to embarass myself on more than one occassion, as well as have a good time with the overpaid workaholics.
My FIRST day on the job, nonetheless, I managed to turn my boss red in the face.
While training on the assembly line, an associate was demonstrating to me how to do a process that involved some sort of highly flammable and toxic chemical.
"Before you use it, you MUST put on gloves. If this stuff touches your skin, it could lead to difficulties such as testicular cancer."
I didn't question him. This guy had been working here since the plant opened, so he had to know what he was talking about.
He didn't know what he was talking about.
Well, he did. But he didn't give off ONE SCENT of sarcasm when he made that straight faced comment. Turns out the stuff might make my hands itch if I touch it. Or maybe if I took a bath in it, it might give me a bad rash, but that's it.
During the break, the boss had a chat with me to see how I was liking things.
"I've never worked in a manufacturing plant before, but I think I could get used to this."
"Good! Oh, did Dwayne tel you about wearing the gloves while handling.."
"Yeah, he did."
"Great."
"Yeah! Tell me about it! I don't want my balls falling off!"
<pause for laughter>
Still no laughter.
Sweat dropped from my forehead. Shutup, Justin. Seriously.
"Justin, that's VERY inappropriate."
Okay, bitch. Chill. I told a joke that wasn't funny. I do it all the time. No need to get bent out of shape. I didn't smack my 7 year old brother when he told me:
"What did the cheese say to the mouse?"
"I don't know, what?"
"Meet me at the trap, it's goin' down."
He obviously deserved to be punched in the face after a stupid joke, but I let it go. Not because he's 7, but because I'm cool like that. And he's my brother. And would tell my dad. Whom would promptly send me to my room even though I'm married and have my own house.
After this fallout with my new boss, I developed a bad case of hemorrhoids. Thank God. I never thought I'd be happy to get hemorrhoids, but it was my ticket out of that section of the plant. Next stop? Final inspections. Yup. Stand around all day inspecting the final beamers.
Tom, the head associate of that area, decided to take me under his wing. He was 72 years old and so old-school in his train of thought that he wouldn't know 'racial tolerance' if it crawled up his ass, stayed for 9 months, and gave birth to twin racial tolerances. Probably the most senile man I've ever met.
Being 2006 and working in a VERY diverse environment, you'd think he'd brush aside his hatred of nig... I mean nig... I mean nig... I mean nig... I mean nig... I mean... other races.
"If you run your hand over the car like this, you can feel for any dents... that or you can just look.", Tom said as he explained the inspection process to me. "Ha!"
He looked at me.
"What? Oh, right. That was a joke. Good one, Tom."
"Listen to me, I'm the brains of this place. I know what I'm doing and I'm never wrong. Well, one time I thought I was wrong. As it turns out, I was just mistaken."
Apparently another joke.
"You have to watch out for these right-hand drive vehicles. Being in the US, we're so used to driving on the left hand side. One time, I jumped in a car and drove for a mile before I realized I was on the wrong side."
"How can you do that? Your body would be so disproportioned because of operating the vehicle from the passenger seat that it would be near impossible not to notice....Oh wait.... I get it."
"This right here is the main computer. You record everything in this. One time, she went down on me for FIFTEEN MINUTES and I couldn't get 'er back up."
I laughed. "Good one, Tom."
"Huh?"
The boss came over to check on our progress. The boss was black. Wouldn't matter in any other situation but this one.
"How are things going, Tom? Showing the new guy the ropes?"
"Yessir, it's coming along quite nicely", Tom said.
"Great, keep up the good work", the boss said as he walked off.
"He's a good guy," Tom said referring to the boss. "Real smart, real intelligent. Too bad he's a dumb nigger."
So after I changed my pants, picked my jaw up off the floor, and smacked my mama.. I raised my eyebrows because I thought I misunderstood him. Nah, I didn't. I heard him right. He just called an intelligent man a dumb nigger.
Okay, brush it off. Move on.
Tom showed me more along the way. For example, if a car had already been through our section, it was called a repeater. The inspectors would yell out 'REPEATER!' to the other inspectors so that nobody would waste their time inspecting a car that had already been passed. God forbid we stop standing around with our hands in our pockets.
Tom, on the other hand, would shorten the word from 'Repeater' to 'peter'. I would try my best to stifle my giggles everytime he yelled 'PETER!' at the top of his lungs. The other employees caught onto my laughing and I explained to them why I found it so funny.
"You see, peter can sometime be used as a slang term for penis."
It's not funny when I explain it, but they caught on and starting laughing every time Tom went on his 'peter' rampage. But it got worse.
"This one's been through the wax booth already, which means we might not have to inspect it", Tom said as he read the inspection sheet. "Yep! It's a peter! HEY EVERYBODY! WE'VE GOT A WAXY PETER DOWN HERE. DON'T TOUCH IT."
Don't plan on it, Mr. lemon party.
"Hey! The next one's a peter too!! OH YES! I LOVE THIS JOB! TWO PETERS AT THE SAME TIME! OH YES!"
By this point, everyone busted out in laughter as Tom danced around.
Dumb nigger.
-Sideburns
User Reviews
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-10-01 15:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2007-01-30 23:52:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/21098
didn't even see those ratings till today
don't worry about it man, ratings on here aren't something I ever worry about :)
Submitted by Sepsis (user info) at 2006-12-04 22:55:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Walker (user info) at 2006-12-03 16:48:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
*Thumbs up*
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-12-03 16:25:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean nig... i mean niggers.
Submitted by _God (user info) at 2006-12-03 16:19:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can't never have enough peters!
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-11-05 21:51:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
woo
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-10-30 18:22:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2006-10-30 17:06:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was great. I think this was also the first time I've ever heard testicular cancer refered to as a "difficulty".
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-10-30 16:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kbs050 (user info) at 2006-10-02 18:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny.
Submitted by WiKi (user info) at 2006-09-18 18:09:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because we're friends
and because I laughed
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2006-09-17 23:17:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know where that plant is.
No wonder my BMW was such a piece of shit.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-09-16 17:29:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Sideburns +2.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-09-16 17:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WELL FUCK DARKO
I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-09-15 19:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeh, BMW is a good company to work, Germans take good care of you.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guinea pig head offset.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
look, you started out as a pale imitation of me then went swiftly downhill from there you formulaic turd burglar.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I kind of liked it
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-09-15 00:00:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i know.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This sucked.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
upon re-reading of this, i'm finding misspellings galore. fuck me.
Submitted by Sideburns (user info) at 2006-09-14 23:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I did manage to embarass myself on more than one AKASHIN************