How to pick up chicks at the library (5561 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.85 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by comicbookguy (View user info) at 2006-11-28 23:12:45 EST
Tired of never meeting women? Tired of going to bars and clubs but struggling to catch the attention of that young nubile girl in the middle of a giant sausage fest? Tired of never getting laid?
If you answered no to all of those questions, then fuck you. But, if you answered yes to even one of them, take my hand (not if you have masturbation calluses) and come with me on this journey.
My name is Hugh.
But you can call me Mr. Jassdick.
I'm a dating instructor and I have been picking up chicks for years, and with my five part instructional video series, you will too. The key to picking up chicks is to understand that chicks are everywhere. They are not just in clubs or bars, or back alleys behind dumpsters. They are in your everyday places, and that is why my set includes:
1)How to pick up chicks at bus stops http://www.ubersite.com/m/50706
2)How to pick up chicks at grocery stores http://www.ubersite.com/m/58423
3)How to pick up chicks at the gym http://www.ubersite.com/m/70041
4)How to pick up chicks at the doctor's office
5)How to pick up chicks in various other potentially socially awkward situations that cannot be categorized in the above four videos
After you have watched these videos, you will be a lean, mean sex machine like I am. You will be picking up chicks in no time, and I don't mean lifting fat women. If you're into that, buy my other video series on how to build muscle through the lifting of fat women. I'm talking about bench pressing fat women, curling fat women, and doing push ups with fat women sitting on your back.
After you have seen these videos, you will be able to walk up to a women in any of these situations, get her number, get a date, and get laid, eventually leading to a healthy long-term relationship. Or, conversely, a lot of casual monkey sex with you eventual dumping her because she wants commitment. You dog you! Either way, if your penis enters one of her orifices, I know I have done my job and that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling inside that reminds me why I got into the business in the first place.
Now some people ask me, "why Hugh? Why do you make these lovely videos for losers like me and only charge 5 equal payments of $49.95? Truly you are the greatest philanthropist who ever lived."
And I say yes, yes I am. I know that it's tough for shallow men out there. You're ugly as sin, yet you don't want to put in the effort to build a long term relationship with someone of equal or lesser value. I understand: and that's why I do what I do. Picking up chicks is important; it's as important as the nitrogen we breathe. Remember that.
Today's episode: The library
Notice I no longer say "libarry' or "tommorry"
Yes, my needle dick friends. Today's episode will teach you how to pick up chicks at the library. The beauty of the library is that you can spend the whole day there and no one will be the wiser; therefore, your time frame for picking up chicks is substantial. Substantial like Wendy's triple mushroom melt. Do what tastes right...and pussy tastes really right. Once you have employed my techniques, you will get as much pussy as me, Hugh Jassdick, and you all know I need more pussy like I need another genital wart on my ballsack.
Step 1: Learn to Read
I know you've been in the library. You're the guy jacking off to transvestite porn on a free dial up connection while the ten year old beside you plays minesweeper. Or maybe you're the guy who gets high by smelling the pages of National Geographic magazine. Damn those are some pointy African nipples! But seriously, you will need to learn how to read full sentences and learn the difference between a verb and a noun.
Example: your life of watching day time television has you dreaming of a sexual game show fantasy whereby you are being pork roasted by Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek. In this case, pork roasted is the verb; Alex Trebek is the noun....or vice versa, I really don't know.
Remember, there are plenty of resources out there that can help you; adult illiteracy is a rampant problem in North America. So is erectile dysfunction. My video will help solve both these dilemmas.
Step 2: Realize you're a dumbass
You see my Pokemon card collecting friend, you are a rare species, much like the dodo bird or the straight back up dancer. You can't get laid, yet you are really fucking stupid. See even nerds have an upside. Although they are socially inept and terrible with the opposite sex, their insane brain capacity will power them through their astro-physics/computer science degree with a minor in medieval history and renaissance jousting. As a result, they will make millions of dollars, obtain a trophy wife and live a life of superficiality you dare not dream of.
You will live a life of Cheetos and semen encrusted jogging pants and in grown back hair. That's why I'm here to help you. The first step is admitting you are a dumbass.
Step 3: Picking the right library
In order to maximize chick picking up potential, you must choose the right library. College on campus libraries are full of hot sexy co-eds just looking for the right nerd to pray on for a simple tradeoff of cleavage showing for homework completion. Unfortunately, we have established that you have the brain power of Paris Hilton with down syndrome. Therefore, this is not the right venue for you....I on the other hand am having sex with two co-eds as I write this.
A second choice is the library inside a rich guy's house, but there aren't any chicks there...just an old withering man with old withering man balls...and although that gets you off, please put aside your geriatric fantasies and let's focus on the pussy at hand.
So...if not college library or rich old man library, then where? Where I say?
Of course the answer is YOUR LOCAL PUBLIC LIBRARY
Your local public library is home to America's most blatant drain on society: old people. More specifically, old minority men who want to read their local country newspaper but are too cheap to dish out a ruble, rupee or yen at a convenience store. Thus, your competition pool is extremely shallow. And because old people can't see very well, no one will care that you have spent all day at the library when you make your rounds looking for chicks.
Step 3: Picking your bitch
Now you may ask, well if there are old men at the local public library, then surely there will be old women as well...although wretched, won't that be too easy of a target? And you are absolutely correct. However, your goal is not sagging tits and flappy vaginas. Nor is your goal to attempt to pick up the local librarian who is often homely, unkempt, and lesbian. Your goal is clear: the highest hotness to highest potential of pickupability is none other than YOUR LOCAL LIBRARY VOLUNTEER.
This is the young girl who goes to a community college because her parents can't afford to pay for an actual education. The community college has poor funding from local municipalities and thus cannot afford a fully furnished or fully lit library...thus this bright young girl with all the potential in the world must satisfy her intellectual curiosity at her local library, stacking books, sorting magazines and wheeling carts...and you're gonna fuck her.
Step 4: Implementation
All right pimp. You just learned to read good. You've put aside any pre-conceived notions of yourself having any intelligence. You are at your local library. You've spotted your local library volunteer. You are a blank slate and I am Pablo Picasso.
It's time to pimp your ride...and by ride I mean your penis.
Come to the library wearing jeans, a plain white t-shirt and French beret while holding a notebook with a pen in your ear. Remember, you want to be as unassuming as possible...although they are mostly blind, you do not want to draw the attention of old people or your local homely librarian.
Slowly shadow your target 007 style until she has entered the section of the library which will maximize your picking up potential...third floor, back corner: the poetry section.
As she is stacking away books and admiring the work of Yeats and Frost, accidentally bump into her and cause some books to fall. She will embarrassingly blame herself and get on her knees to pick up the fallen paperbacks. Admire her for a few seconds in that position and positively visualize the future. You dog you!
After initial admiration, also apologize and help her with the fallen books...after putting away a few of them, make sure that you both go for the last fallen book at the same time so your hands touch...MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A WARM LOOK IN YOUR EYES WHEN YOUR EYES MEET DUE TO THE HAND TOUCH.
She will look at you and smile...you will say "I've admired you from afar...I've also noticed your interest in poetry. I too am a poet and have a well developed understanding of the Dewey Decimal system." Because you are wearing a beret, she will have no choice but to believe you.
She will be impressed with your confident and forward nature and will naturally ask what kind of poetry you write. You will tell her that you write spontaneously, and only the perfect moment can capture the perfect amount of words at just the perfect time.
And as you look in deeply into her eyes, she will realize that this very perfect moment is nigh: it is time to put the icing on the motherfucking cake.
Continue to stare into her eyes and say:
Pitter patter goes my young beating heart
In your beautiful face I would like to fart
Perform a Dutch oven of heavenly smell
Make sweet love to you and a monkey as well
A sensual night where wonders never cease
A sharing of passion and sexual disease
Take your innocence, your hymen I tear
I'm really really sorry for cumming in your hair
Seriously, I know it's a bitch to get out, even for Head and Shoulders. My bad.
She'll be like putty in your hands gentlemen. Putty in your motherfucking hands.
User Reviews
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2009-10-06 19:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yep
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2008-09-04 10:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You dog you!
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-11-15 07:07:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This kicked ass.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2007-11-15 06:15:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To one of my favorite posters of all time, though he may be dead, and a method that really works.
Submitted by Slash (user info) at 2007-02-16 16:27:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for Raps. You don't even know how stoked I am that they are gonna make play-offs, let alone win the Atlantic which surely will happen. And CB4 is gonna go wild this Sunday.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-02-15 01:00:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maltese is alluding, of course, to the rampant shit he posts all over this place. You need to come back to dilute the water barrell full of ass juice that is the front page on a consistent basis.
Submitted by PommyTom (user info) at 2006-12-03 19:06:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You make bludging at work rewarding and justified.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2006-11-30 01:09:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Please... STAY =(
We need you more than ever now.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-11-29 21:24:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-29 12:10:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss this guy.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-11-29 18:13:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Bringin Funny Back, go 'head be gone wit it". I think I liked this one less than the others, but still, good to see a CBG post.
-Vote Coleslaw Murphy in 2008.
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2006-11-29 16:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, it was nice to read this after all those "welcome to yadda yadda land" posts. Loved it!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-29 12:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss this guy.
Submitted by morontian (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:46:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:09:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Push it real good
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-11-29 11:02:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-11-29 10:52:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dear Mr Jassdick,
This correspondence is a prelude to the letter that will follow from my laywer. I followed your instructions to a tee and while I was succesful at picking up the library assistant your instructions made no mention of how to discern whether said assistant was actually female or not. This omission on your part has caused me considerable emotional distress and suffering because it was not until I was in the process of bedding the assistant that I found that she was really a he working on becoming a she. In short I am writing to notify you that my laywer will be contacting you to, hopefully, work out an agreement to compensate me for the pain and damaged caused by your omission. I hope that we can work together to come to an amicable solution.
Sincerely, ugly nerd type guy
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2006-11-29 10:48:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-11-29 08:39:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
a solid meh. Worth reading.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2006-11-29 08:35:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This site now sucks just a little bit less today.
Submitted by EdaphonE (user info) at 2006-11-29 08:33:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-11-29 08:09:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh hell yes.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-11-29 07:41:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
He's still got it
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-11-29 07:35:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-11-29 07:00:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I read all your posts in one day at work. I was asked not to come back the next day.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2006-11-29 06:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Although I'm a lurker / noob, I have read all your stuff (stalker styles) So I can honestly say, welcome back dude!
And I have to admit, I don't know the difference between a verb and a noun.
On a side note: it's a lot harder to type on a laptop than it is on a normal computer thingy magiggy.
And will someone please tell me why Will didn't confront Elizabeth about kissing Jack. Why? WHY WHY WHY!!!!!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-11-29 06:50:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm so glad you're back, Gupta, it's been so hard carrying the comedic weight of the uber world on my shoulders alone
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2006-11-29 03:39:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could you do one about work please?
There is this lady, sorry I mean bitch/ho, who I fancy but I really am socially inept and ugly and need assistance. I have read your back catalogue but sadly all the previous editions are about place I don't go too, due to restraining orders or some misunderstandings about public nudity.
Yours in anticipation,
DrogoRoch
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2006-11-29 03:08:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-11-29 02:40:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You dog you
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-11-29 01:45:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-11-29 00:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you've been as gone as me.
and are much more back.
Submitted by PhillipTheGreat (user info) at 2006-11-29 00:24:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Notice I no longer say "libarry' or "tommorry"
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-29 00:03:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:48:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:46:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
nfk. I swear, if you don't come back, I'm going to write another post. God help us all.
-------------------
Holy fuck. Well now you basically HAVE to. *smiles*
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks Duckster.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:48:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:46:14 (#)
Ranking: 0
nfk. I swear, if you don't come back, I'm going to write another post. God help us all.
-------------------
Holy fuck. Well now you basically HAVE to. *smiles*
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nfk. I swear, if you don't come back, I'm going to write another post. God help us all.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd just like to say thankyou for coming back. This place has been lacking without your humour.
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:39:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Sure why not, I'd like to start writing here again
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:35:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
will you do a series for women? As in women wanting to pick up men, not other women..
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:30:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i haven't read this yet, but i hope it has the goods
picking up chicks in the library is my lifelong dream
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:25:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:18:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:18:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:15:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:14:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
COMICBOOKGUY IS BACK!
YEAH!
WOOT!
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:15:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ANOTHER FUCKING kickass post by the awesomeness that is our Indian friend CBG.
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:14:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
COMICBOOKGUY IS BACK!
YEAH!
WOOT!
Submitted by jfreakman (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:13:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
nooooooooo!
Submitted by comicbookguy (user info) at 2006-11-28 23:13:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
step 3 is step 4, step 4 is step 5